Change is gonna come.....

I NEED CHANGE. 

Something different needs to happen!

I'm tired of my blog name. 

I need to change that!

aaaaaaand... 

I need to find a job! QUICK!

Maybe it's just me, and I'm weird like that....

 ...but I really really REALLY miss my friend, Mr. Red. I've been thinking a lot about him and he somehow gets brought up in conversations I have with friends (not by my doing).  32 more days!!!! I CANNOT FRIGGIN WAIT!!!!!  4.5 months has been WAAAAAAY TOOOOOOOOOOO LOOOOOONG!!!!  I'm dying.  Ok, maybe I sound weird at this point...but I was talking to my sister yesterday about him.  The thing I love the most about Mr. Red is that he's so intelligent.  He craves learning and knowledge.  Until I met him, I never realized how attractive that is!  My sister and I were talking about how knowledgeable he is about the Bible.  He just knows it like the back of his hand and that always trips me out!  He once taught a lesson about the House of Israel and it was AMAAAAAAAAZING!! The history and intricate back story of it all was phenomenal!! 

I love the conversations we have because they're not superficial topics, he enjoys deep conversations. He makes me contemplate deeper concepts and different ideas.  Thinking out of the box seems to be the norm with him. I like it.  

I just miss my friend. 

32 more daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays!!!

Today's Relief Society Activity!

We had a 'Workshops' activity for our ward's Relief Society sisters. The workshops were: *Baking Bread with Mama McK, *How to Change a Flat Tire, & *The BLESSINGS of Visiting Teaching.  

I think the activity turned out REALLY well!! I had a BLAST with the sisters from my ward!! I TRULY LOVE this calling of mine!! It's so fun getting to know the women at church. I'm so grateful for my Relief Society presidency! I can't wait to see all of them tomorrow! ♥

"This I Believe" essay.

Assignment: Write a statement of personal belief or conviction in a certain ideal, principle, or thing. Offer supporting reasons and/or experiences that illustrate why you hold this belief. What makes you believe in this thing or idea? How has this belief enriched your life?

 Your paper, like the examples we’ve listened to on NPR, should be a combination of philosophical reflection and examples or experiences that illustrate why you hold this belief. 

Length: 300-400 words

Embrace Your Own Differences.

I was born to a Hawaiian mother and a Tongan father. Growing up in a suburb full of Mexicans and Filipinos, I felt like I stood out like a sore thumb. No one looked like me.  I had long coarse hair that needed to be braided every single day because it was too wild to let loose.  I was taller than all the girls in my classes and even most of the boys. My round nose didn’t have much of a bridge, so it wasn’t quite able to hold up my thick, heavy glasses.  They always slipped down. All the girls I knew had cute, familiar names. I cringed whenever we had a substitute teacher in school. There I was with my strange and complicated name that no one could pronounce-Ehulani L_____. I never felt like I fit in, I was just TOO different. 

This went on until my very last semester of high school, when I was a 17-year-old senior.  I had a teacher who insisted on calling me, “Ehulani” instead of my preferred nickname of, “Lani”.  It didn’t sound so bad when she said it.  It actually did sound beautiful like the Hawaiian meaning of which it’s derived, “red mist of heaven”.  I started to introduce myself by my full name, and even enjoyed it too.  I delighted in the compliments that stemmed from those who heard the meaning of my name.  For once, there was actually something magnificent from being different!  Of course it took time for people to pronounce my name correctly, but once they did, I was unforgettable.  I loved that!

My long coarse hair that I once detested became my prize possession.  I accidentally discovered the wonders of hair gel and how it could bless my life.  It transformed my hair into pretty ringlets that were just right! Female friends would touch my hair in envy.  I finally had a reason to love my gel-tamed wild hair. 

I thought I’d forever be the ‘ugly duckling’ that stood out like a sore thumb.  It took an outsider’s perspective and a funny little accident to turn my negatives into beautiful positives.  In the last 13 years of life, I have learned to view the proverbial cup as being half-full.  There is beauty in everything and everyone. Sometimes we just need to dig deeper to see the beauty, but it’s there. It’s always there. 

[This was probably my most favorite English assignment this semester! I love my little essay.  I never thought I'd endure that awkward & embarrassing time in life, and finally be comfortable in my own skin.  I feel like a better person because of my past.]

Seriously some of the BEST days EVER!!!

I think I've struck gold!! SERIOUSLY!! I've been having the BEST days lately!!!  I couldn't feel MORE blessed right now!! I LOVE it and I'm GRATEFUL!!

Friday: I got to hang out with my niece all day. It was so much fun!! We did some shopping and ran some errands.  Had lunch at our favorite spot and had a lil mini-Twilight Zone marathon.  (I think she was disappointed when it had NOTHING to do with vampires & werewolves)  We also watched "The Last Song" and had a junk food fest! FUN!!! I love moments like that.  Especially since she's growing up so quickly.  She's such a FUN girl to be around.  I've been blessed with the BEST niece!!

Saturday: Made about 4 dozen Cinnamon rolls, for the men at church for Father's Day, with Mama McK.  I  LOVE being in the kitchen with her! I will miss her more than I can ever express, once they go home from their mission this coming Monday.  I had dinner with my family and cousins who are in town from American Samoa.  It was just like ol' times.  

BBQ Ribeye steaks + Jack Johnson tunes = AWESOME family dinners!

Sunday: I look forward to church. I LOVE ANY opportunity I get to see my friends!! I love them all dearly! I'm BLESSED with the best!!  Seriously, I get so giddy on Saturday night because I get to spend quality time with my dearest friends.  They're practically like family!!  Had dinner that night with JUST my family and that was a beautiful blessing.  We had stuffed Salmon from Costco--OH I LOVE THOSE!!! And I made Mango cobbler for dessert.  FOOD COMA!!  It was cool just hangin' out with my family.  I love them. 

Monday: 

BEST. BEACH. DAY. EVERRRRRR.!!!!!!!! A few minutes after I woke up, Captain text me to see what I was doing for the day. I had a whole 'to-do list' of emails I needed to send and homework I needed to work on.  I told him that and he said, 'homework's overrated, come to the beach with me'.  HELL YEAH!!  When a HOT Fireman friend says 'go to the beach'--YOU GO!!! We spent the day at the beach, laying out & talking. It was SO relaxing!! I was SO nervous because I've never been to the beach with a guy before. Of course I've gone with a guy, who I happened to be dating or in a relationship with....this was different. Man, I was nervous because he works out and it DEFINITELY shows! So I wasn't sure what to wear and for the first time ever, I did my hair and make up just to go to the beach--SO WEIRD! But so worth it! Anyways, it was R.E.L.A.X.I.N.G.!!! He's a very easy guy to talk with.  It was comfortable and extremely enjoyable!!  Plus, I scored an AWESOME TAN!! OH YEAH BABY!!!  

Later that night, we went to a friend's home to have a BBQ farewell for the McK's and another family who is moving from the ward (congregation).  SO MUCH FUN!!  Everyone should have a zip line--HILLAAARRIIIOUUUUSSSS!!!!!!!  It was a fun time together with the ward family! 

Tuesday: CC went to the temple yesterday for the first time. She's preparing to go on her mission to Denver, Spanish speaking.  It was such a beautiful blessing to be there in the temple, with loved ones. I had a goal of going to the temple with Mama McK before her mission ended. I'm SO GRATEFUL that I had that wonderful opportunity last night.  I forgot how much I missed the temple and all those marvelous sisters that I had to blessing of serving with on Saturday afternoons.  It was a longing like I haven't felt for a while. I miss each of those sisters, they were like gems in a crown.  As we were leaving, I happened to see one of them who was also attending the temple last night. Oh it was divine to have that chance meeting. I was afraid she wasn't going to recognize me since my hair was A LOT shorter.  SHE DID!! It made me so happy! It was like old times.  SO BLESSED!!

Wednesday: My friend Joy drew this picture of me today! LOVE IT!!  Especially since the hair TOTALLY looks like me!!! Makes me crack up and smile!! 

THEN! I got a package in the mail!! Hermanita sent me earrings from New Mexico.  The white ones are mine and the other are for CC.  She actually sent me another one as well.  They have hummingbirds on them with dangly beads! I'll take a picture of them later.  I LOVE em!!! The most PERFECT gift for me are earrings!! I LOOOOOOOVE earrings!! I could wear them 24/7! Plus I love the stories behind jewelry!  I asked Mr. Red to pick me up some earrings while he's out on deployment in the South Pacific.  I CAN'T WAIT!!!  He'll be home in about 5.5 weeks!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CANNOT WAIT!!!  Oh I've missed my dear friend!!! And then about 2 weeks after that, SimiSimSim comes home from Fiji!!! Oh I've missed that kid so much!!!  

I FEEL SO AWESOMELY BLESSED...I mean, AWESOMELY SPOILED!!!

One of the MANY blessings of Institute...

This was the first night of our BYU-Idaho Pathway Program in our lil humble Chula Vista Institute. My heart swells when I think back to all the blessings that have come because of Pathway.  The couple on the right are Elder & Sister McK (affectionately known as "Papa & Mama McK" to me.)  I wouldn't have survived this last year without them. I have the deepest love for them as though they were my own parents.  We've really come along with with our lil Pathway group.  Although there are only 8 left from this picture, I'm still so grateful for all of my classmates, for the McK's and this heaven sent program.  

EXCITED!!!! Seriously EXCITED!!!

Today, I realized that it's about a month and a half til Mr. Red comes home.  Oh man, that made my day a million times better!! I got as giddy as a lil kid on Christmas morning!!  I'm STILL as giddy as a lil kid!!!  I've missed him so much.  I've truly missed my friend. I miss our conversations and just the beauty of all of our talks. I've missed texting him my random & important questions.  He's just one of those friends that "gets me" and I don't have to explain anything or feel judged. I couldn't have asked for such a great friend....and a handsome one at that. Oh *sigh*....he is SO pretty!!

I was thinking about our first encounter tonight.  Wow, a year has flown by....   Man, I miss Mr. Red because I feel like I'm losing more and more friends at church (missions or moving).  It also seems like he's been a lot of my conversations this week....as in, others bring him up.  

*HUUUUUGE SIIIIIIGH*

I CHOOSE happiness!

I like to think of myself as a happy person!

I've worked on my sarcasm a lot this year, because I started to sound cynical and negative. I didn't like the way I sounded or felt. I started to see things for their negativity.  As I've reined back on my sarcasm, negativity & cynicism, I started to hear it in others. It made me think if that's how I sounded!?  I didn't like it.  I DON'T like it.  There is NOTHING attractive about being negative or sarcastic!    Talking with a friend last night, he confirmed that men are NOT attracted to negativity.  I think that's true on a human level. No one wants to be around that.  So then, why are so many people negative?    I think it's so much easier for people to see the bad, the ugly and the downside to life and situations. {"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."} Being happy and positive takes practice. Sometimes,  A LOT of practice.  Sometimes, one has to even 'fake it til you make it'. But in the end, it's worth it. It's a very attractive quality to have--to friends, coworkers, family, potential dates...to everyone.

“Optimism is a happiness magnet. If you stay positive, good things and good people will be drawn to you”

Consumption....and relaxation!

Oh man, I feel like I've been on the go for the last month. I feel like I've been busy--but not stressed busy, just extremely preoccupied.  I love it.  But I never realized how grateful I would be for some down time.  I cancelled my vocal class for today because I needed to do some catch up work with school and get that a lil more hunkered down and organized.  I was talking to Mama McK yesterday and she said that I could have Relief Society run my life, if I allow it. I think that's how people can get overwhelmed. I don't want to get to that point. I've pretty much done all the 'grunt' work in getting it to where I want it and where it is running smoothly.  Now I get to sit back a bit and enjoy the ride for, just a bit.  I don't want church to turn into 'work', I've had that happen with other callings. 

So now I get to focus back on school right now and get my grades back up where they should be.  I get to enjoy my niece & nephew out of school, and look forward to my missionary nephew's return home in less than 2 months!! LESS THAN 2 MONTHS!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!?!?! I can't wait!! 

I got to hang out at the beach last night with a friend from church.  It was great getting to know more about her and her life.  It was cool just gettin' to chill at the beach and relax, because both of us needed it.  If anything this calling has brought, it has been the blessing of getting to know the sisters in my ward. It has been a very tremendous and beautiful blessing. It makes me love them even more.  I'm grateful that my memory has been sharpened because I need it with all that I have to retain and remember in the very moment.  I feel so blessed. 

Many blessings have come in the short month that I've had this calling. I love all the blessings.  I recognize Heavenly Father's hand in all the blessings I have received thus far.  

I have Institute class tonight.  I LOVE Institute.  I heard this quote last August and decided to take Pres. Monson up on his promise:  

“If you are a single college student, I ask you to make participation in institute a priority. Married students and other young adults are also welcome and encouraged to attend. Think of it. Friends will be made, the Spirit will be felt, and faith will be strengthened. I promise you that as you participate in institute and study the scriptures diligently, your power to avoid temptation and to receive direction of the Holy Ghost in all you do will be increased. Divine favor will attend those who humbly seek it. That is a promise which I leave with you” 

It's true!! It really works!! I've become friends with more people and strengthened old friendships. I've felt the Spirit and had a greater desire to study the scriptures.  It has helped.  I have a greater love and appreciation for the Scriptures and what it can do for my life.  I understand more than what I knew from last August.  This prophetic promise is true,  I've felt it. I've seen it. I know it.

Charity Never Faileth!

Can I just say, that I truly LOVE serving as a Relief Society president! It has seriously been such an AWESOME blessing!! I've tremendously ENJOYED this opportunity to love and serve the sisters in my ward.  I truly needed this calling.  I haven't been feeling like myself in the last several months. I've started to feel like I had a black heart, one that didn't like to serve or even the thought of it.  I think it had to do with the some private family matters that I've been dealing with the last 2 years.  It made me bitter and hard hearted....I didn't feel like myself.  I even started to feel annoyed if I was asked to play the piano at church.  I didn't grow up that way.  I was raised by my father's amazing example of service.  I didn't learn about service through words, it was by pure example.  My father taught me that "LDS" not only stood for "Latter-day Saint" but "LET'S DO SOMETHING" or "LET'S DO SERVICE".   I'm so grateful for this opportunity to serve. My biggest worry when I was extended this calling was, "How am I going to love ALL the sisters?".  Then I remembered something I learned on my mission, "Serve them until you love them and then you'll love to serve them." I LOVE getting to know the sisters.  They are such wonderful and beautiful sisters, inside and out!  

I always thought my mission would be my most favorite calling.  Then I was called to serve as an ordinance worker at the San Diego LDS temple, and soon that became my favorite calling.  I didn't think anything would top those two....but now I'm starting to think otherwise.♥

Empathy & Faith.

This week, I've had the opportunity to reflect on such wise counsel;

"that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. "

A couple weeks ago, when I was set apart as my ward's Relief Society president, I've remembered certain words that have stuck with me.  In the blessing, it was pronounced that I would be able to share my knowledge, experience and wisdom with the sisters that I serve. I've debated sharing that on my blog, but it might give some basis for the rest of this post.  

Since Saturday, this week has been pretty crummy.  Montana dumped me.  It hurt. No one likes to be rejected.  I wasn't expecting it and he basically ripped me a new one for ditching him.   I've been trying to think of how I could get out of that relationship because in a year's time I want to be at BYU-Hawaii.   He's not LDS and I want to get married in the temple, when & if marriage happens.  I was reading my Patriarchal blessing on Tuesday and there was something that stood out that I had never really paid attention to before.  I prayed about it.  I've been praying a lot more lately.  I need it.  I've been trying fervently to trust in the Lord because I need it for myself, for my life, for my family and for church.  

Getting my heart stomped on was rough.  No one likes that.  It took a lot to trust in the Lord and know that my deeper desires of a higher education and a celestial marriage meant more than the temporary heartache I was currently experiencing.  I had to suck it up, KNOW that Heavenly Father knew best for my life and be okay with all of it.  

Once I started to realize that, I started to think of my setting apart.  In my 30 years of life, I think I've done a lot in my life to be able to have knowledge, experience and wisdom to share with the sisters I'm blessed to serve.  It made me think of this quote I love and I once heard from Ardeth G. Kapp:

"I am glad He allows us to struggle, to cry and to feel pain, else how can we comfort others in their tribulation.  I am glad to know about hurt and healing, else how would we know of a healer, the great Physician, who invites us to come unto Him and be healed.  I am glad to know about fear and faith, else how would we recognize the light of faith after the dark night of fear.  I'm glad to know about offenses and forgiveness, else how could we ever begin to appreciate the Atonement.  I'm glad to know about discouragement and encouragement, else how could we reach out, take another's hand in empathy, understanding and love.  I'm glad to know about the grace of God and His infinite love for each of us. It is with faith in God's Eternal plan that our spiritual dimension is expanded, enlarged and magnified, and we begin to understand things that were beyond our reach previously."

Thinking in this manner has helped tremendously. The sting doesn't hurt as much and the glass is still half full :) 

WEAKend Wedding.

I went to Montana's sister's wedding on Saturday. I wore my pretty pretty birthday dress, from last year and looked pretty spectacular! (You know how you look so pretty that you can feel it? That's how I felt.)  I showed up right when she was walking down the aisle, so I waited til the ceremony was over, to walk "in" (it was outside, overlooking the ocean--GORGEOUS!!) When I did walk in, they were in the middle of family photos, so I took a seat off to the side and struck up a conversation with the groom's best man's mom, Yolanda.  She was so kind and nice to me, a total stranger.  I told her that I was there with Montana and knew NO ONE.  She pointed out some key people that I would need to know, and we talked about other little things.  Seriously, I thought she was truly heaven sent!  

When Montana was finished with photos, he came over and he took me around to meet some of his family members--mostly extended family. I wanted to meet his immediate family first, which was his dad & his wife, his mom and sister (but she was obviously very preoccupied-so that was okay).  I basically had to ask him to introduce me to them, and even after we walked up to them, I still had to introduce myself to them.  SO LAME, right?!?!  I mean, this is the guy that was so excited for me to meet them, just weeks and days before....and now he was acting SOOOOOOOOOO WEIRD.  Days before the wedding, I told him that if he didn't feel comfortable with me meeting them so soon, then I didn't have to attend the wedding.  He insisted that it'd all be fine, but I'd be spending a majority of the time by myself until he could break away from wedding party. I completely understood that. 

We got some appetizers and walked around talking to his family & friends.  Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but he'd always stand a lil bit away from me and he hardly touched me.  He was called back to family photos and I rejoined my ol' friend Yolanda.  After his photos, he came over and we were all talking.  Then he told me that he was going off to go talk to some of his uncles & cousins.  

Me:"Um, ok, I guess I'll just sit and talk with Yolanda." 

Montana:"Are you sure?" 

Me:"Yeah, I'll be fine."

And off he went....... 

About ten minutes later, when I looked back to where he was at, he was talking to his dad & step-mom.  I didn't know if I should walk over and join them, but in the back of my mind I wondered why he didn't include me.  Oh well, Yolanda and her friends were pretty entertaining (the only upside to alcohol).  Montana came over just as we were to walk into the reception and said we'd be sitting with his dad & step-mom.  However, once we entered, his uncle pointed out which tables every one was to sit at. "FAMILY TABLE OVER HERE!  WEDDING PARTY HERE!! AND EVERYONE ELSE, HAVE A SEAT WHERE YOU WANT".  With that said, Montana took off to his 'wedding party' table and his dad & step-mom left to their table.....and I looked around and quickly found out that there weren't any open seats. I even asked Yolanda if she the chair next to her was available, it wasn't.  I felt a lil embarrassed, so I pretended to have a phone call, and immediately called my best friend, Bugs. 

Fifteen minutes into the phone call, I noticed the whole wedding party was outside taking more photos and were about to be introduced into the hall.  I was sitting outside, off to the side....I could see the wedding party, so I figured some of them could see me too.   I was pouring my heart out to my best friend, I felt so stupid being there.  I didn't feel like Montana really wanted me there after all.  At least he wasn't acting like it.  He was distant--physically, emotionally and mentally.  He had a cup of wine and as bad as this may be, I was trying to push another cup on him--he needed to relax or something?!  I wanted to just leave, but I felt that would be rude because I just met about all of his family members.  Bugs supported whatever I chose to do, but she knew that I would feel better about sucking it up, walking back inside and saying goodbye.  About 30 minutes into the phone call, I texted Montana, "I think I'm gonna take off."  No response (I texted him 10 minutes before the wedding started and he replied, so I knew that he had his phone on him.)  I continued talking to Bugs because I didn't know what to do.  At one point, I even walked to my car because I was SO tempted to leave, but I knew that was poor form.  I ended up talking to Bugs for more than an hour.  He never responded, he never came out to look for me--NOTHING.  

I felt terrible just leaving, so I walked back in, found him eating his dinner sitting with his uncle and a flower girl, rubbed his shoulder and said I had to take off.  He got up, gave me a weird hug and then offered to walk me to my car. I declined it because I just wanted to get away from him. I could feel the water works starting and didn't want him to see me crying.  I just couldn't stand to look at him.  I felt crushed and so insignificant.  He said, "Good-bye" to me and then patted both of my arms...and that was it.  It took EVERYTHING in me to smile, hold my head up high and walk out with the very little bit of dignity I had left. I felt terribly small and so unimportant.  I have never felt that before.  I wanted the earth to just open up and swallow me whole, because I just wanted to disappear.  I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and my heart crumble inside of my chest.  I had never felt that before.  I never want to feel that again.  Ever.  
I didn't hear from him til yesterday; 
6/5/11 @ 3:01pm: "I hope u had fun last night I am glad u came sweetie"
6/6/11 @ 12:38pm: "Did I do something wrong?"

Then we started texting tonight.......
Me: I think you and I need to talk. 
Him: Why what's up? Why are u no longer talking to me?
Me: Since Saturday, I've been trying to figure out why I came to the wedding.  
Him: Really? Are u serious?
Me: I'm not blowing up-I needed a couple days to think it over. I left feeling small & insignificant.  Did you not enjoy me being there?
Him: I luved u being there....I wanted to show u off... and I was crfuising too I wanted to show u off to everyone... [I have no idea what "crfuising" is suppose to be?!]
Me: You didn't seem comfortable with me there.
Him: Why?... I kept looking for u and could not find u... I figured u ditched me...
Me: I was on the phone for an hour crying to my best friend during the reception, got in my car to leave but sucked it up to come back and say goodbye.
Me: I sent you a text a half hour after sitting outside.  There was no where to sit in the reception.  You seemed distant and stiff. 
Him: That day was not about u... I think that is what u had an issue with... I need to think.... my phone was silent and I never got that text...
Me: Wow.  I completely understood that that day wasn't about me.  Wow, way to kick me down again. 
Him: Well get the picture! I wanted to show u off and u ditched me! People were asking about u and u did not want to be with me and as much as I tried u did not want to be with me...so yea... now I find out u think it was my fault. 
Me: I spent more time with Yolanda than I spent with you.  Way to make me feel like you really wanted to be with me. 
Him: I tried! U wanted to be with her!
Me: Well it's my fault, like usual.   
Him: Yea it is ur fault! Good job!


After his last text, I just felt small all over again.  Tears flooded my eyes and I started to cry.  I felt like that same woman on Saturday, feeling rejected and unimportant.  No one deserves to feel like this.  It's probably the worst way to allow someone to make you feel.  I'm speechless. I don't deserve to feel like this.  I would never have treated someone I invited to a party, like the way he treated me.  I wasn't expecting a royal treatment, but I would have made sure that the person I invited was comfortable and had someone they could at least talk to.  
I hate this feeling.  I never want to feel small and insignificant again.  

Thanks to Dan's Dad.

A couple months ago, I was having dinner at Hermanita's house along with CC and some other friends.  It was a bunch of us girls with our friend, Dan.  I wonder what possessed Dan to have dinner with us because he doesn't eat meat, he's Caucasian (we were eating some hardcore Mexican food) and was the only guy there. It was a lil funny but we enjoyed his company and he brought interesting insights to our conversations.

He shared with us something his Dad taught him growing up;

"Women need two things--they need to feel special and they need to feel secure"

[emotionally, financially, physically, etc.]

Since then, I've had that on my mind constantly. I never realized the validity of that statement until I thought back on the relationships I've had.  I've thought about how true that is, for me, at least.  Today it's been on my mind a lot.  I'm pretty sure it's going to be on my mind a lot more through the weekend. Sigh!