Blogging in 2018.

I can't believe I haven't posted in SO long...at least since October.  I used to LOVE blogging but with the ease of Instagram, I think that's become my new blog.
I used to blog SO much here that there were more posts here than in my own [handwritten] journal.  Anyways, I think it's a slight goal of mine to blog more.  I mean, it won't be as much as my Instagram since that's always easy to do.
So much has happened in the last 5 months since my last blog post...

WORK:  I moved to another office for about 6 weeks, and then into my own office mid-December.

I LOOOOOOOOOVE having my own office. I love having a door I can close.  I love not having my stuff moved around (happened quite a bit during those 6 weeks). It's so nice and quiet and I can listen to my headphones without looking rude. LOVE IT

CHURCH:  I don't attend as often as I should (aka every single Sunday).  I don't enjoy sitting alone during Sacrament meeting and I sure as heck don't want to be pestered with questions about my personal life from those individuals of which I don't even know their first name.   I try to just go to Relief Society, the 3rd hour class.  It helps that I have a calling in the presidency or else I'd probably not attend as often as I should.  To be honest, I only like to go to sing the hymns or play the piano. 

LIFE:
I like to make lent goals.  This year, I've decided to go with this:

Some days are easier than others but man... April 1st can't come soon enough. I miss drinking orange juice!

A friend from work asked what my monthly goals were.  I didn't have any and she was keen on making sure I, along with 2 other friends, made monthly goals.  Man....didn't think these 4 goals would be THAT difficult to achieve! 

Other than that, this has been my morning 5-6x a week:

I seriously LOVE LOVE LOVE working out at the gym before work!  It's the best way for me to start my mornings. I LOVE having this morning routine! It makes all the difference in my work day! Plus, I love keeping track of my progress w/ Fitbit.  Levi and I started working out last May but after August, it wasn't a huge priority since my goal in life then was just to make it through the day.  Since mid January, I've been going almost every morning (even Saturdays!).  I don't know why I enjoy it so much.  I guess because I want to see how my body develops.  Also, I like seeing the same people at the gym in the mornings.  It's just fun.  I like to do an hour of cardio (elliptical & treadmill) and then I work whatever muscle group needs attention (read: doesn't hurt as much).

And that seems to be about it for 2018 so far. :)

Officially Mrs. B!

Yesterday, I finally changed my last name over to my married name. I was anticipating a long, dreadful process. Plus, sometimes, I have a hard time with change.  These two factors added up to taking 8.5 months to make this change. 

I started off with the local Social Security office, which was fast & easy. In and out in less than 10 minutes! Then I tried the DMV, FOUR TIMES!!! Oh man...never again am I going to the DMV without an appointment!!  After the SS offfice, I drove by and saw a long line out the door.  I decided to go by Target to get some allergy medicine and kill some time.  When I went back after Target, the line was ever longer.  I decided to go by Michael's & Joann's to check out their sales on scrapbooking items.  After that, I went back by the DMV and the line was gone! I walked in, got my number (G166) and sat for 30 minutes (they were barely on G120). I finally turned to the lady next to me and she said that she had been waiting for 2.5 hours! TWO AND A HALF HOURS!!! HECK NO!! I decided I'd go grab lunch and run home for a quick bit.  When I made it back to the DMV, they were on G169!! Oh man, I was so mad, frustrated and bummed!!! I knew I should have gone to the DMV the next day (today) as I had originally planned!  
Luckily, Levi said that it was a momentous occasion and we needed to celebrate.  His happiness made me happy that I finally made this change! Off we went to The Cheesecake Factory! It was our first time there and we were lucky to have gift cards to use! Even better!! :) It was a fun dinner!  It's always so nice to try something new w/ him! We love our adventures, big & small!

This morning, I was able to finish up the name change process. I got up early to get over to the DMV.  It only took an hour and a half.  Then headed over to finish off the rest of the name change stuff.  It's kinda trippy.  I'm not gonna lie, after I walked out of the SS office yesterday and saw it on paper, it hit me pretty hard.  I was excited, happy, sad, nervous, ecstatic, etc.  I was feeling all kinds of emotions.  Sharing the same last name as my husband, makes me feel more united with him.  Part of me feels like I'm leaving my family and an old life.  It's a lil tough to not share the same last name as my parents now, but that's what comes with growing up & moving forward in life.  I'll tell you one thing, man, I need to practice my new signature.  Now I'm officially a Mrs.! I mean, I have been since August, but now I'm really Mrs. B!  I have a wallet full of cards that can prove it too! Trippy!! But exciting, oh so exciting!! 

BIRTHDAY!

Dude . . . today's my birthday! 

I love today.  I love the love that abundantly showers me from all across the world, from such sweet, thoughtful loved ones.  I like counting my blessings on this special day of mine.

*I'm thankful for my dear sweet love of my life.  Being married to him feels like my birthday and Christmas combined, every day.  He makes my life so much more thrilling, funnier, fuller and special in each and every way.  I will never know how I got so lucky to find someone who loves me so much, patiently understands my quirky tendencies, and celebrates my talents & skills.

*I'm glad to have the relationship that I do with my nephews & niece.  They are such a bright spot in my life.  I have had the beautiful blessing of having a first row seat to their lives.  They are such tenderhearted and funny spirits.   I love them with all of my heart and I'm blessed to feel their love in return.

*Even though I don't see my parents everyday anymore, I'm grateful for all that they've done for me.  They can be the most selfless individuals in my time of need.  There are many things that they have taught me.  I can only hope that they've always tried their best to be my parents.  I know that I've tried my best to be a good daughter to them.  This is what life is about; learning to be our best self.

*I always wanted a sister growing up, I didn't know that I would find one in my sister-in-law, turned ex-sister-in-law, now sister.  She has taught me so very much.  She is a very good parent to her 4 kids because of the way she listens and observes their individual needs and talents.  She has a good heart and has always been the best cheerleader anyone would want in their corner.

*I'm grateful for my friends.  They accept me for me and love me so much.  Heaven knows I'm not perfect, but I always try my very best to be a very good friend.  I'm so lucky that I'll get to celebrate my birthday with a few of my closest oldest friends, this weekend. So excited!!  But seriously, I love them all.  They bring so much laughter to my life.  I love my friends who share their cultures with me and most especially the unity we always have over good food.  I'm grateful to always have a friend I can call up and say, "Hey, wanna go grab some tacos?" and sure enough, either one of us will show up late, but it's the fact that they showed up.  Love my friends!

*I love my home that I have with my husband.  It's cute and quaint and special because I feel like it's a safe haven of peace, love and laughter.  I'm sure it's because of who I share it with. :)

*I love all the blessings that I've received from my Heavenly Father.  I'm thankful for the talents that I have and the opportunity to cultivate new ones and share all of them.  Sometimes, I like to step back and think, "Dude, I just did that with my two hands!"  I love the pure knowledge and testimony that I have that He lives, as does His Son, Jesus Christ.  I'm not the best Mormon, heaven knows I have my downfalls, but I try my best to do good and be good.

*I love my life.  It's comfortable and happy and oh so funny.  Today, I love it 34,000x even more!  Happy birthday ME! :)

Monday: On My Mind.

Work has been pretty busy...VERY busy.  Unfortunately, my team at work has shrunk. A week ago, there were 7 of us.  Today, there were only 5...but there's work enough for 20.  To say we're 'swamped' would be an understatement!  I feel like all I do, Monday - Friday is wake up, WOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRK, drive in traffic & veg until bedtime.  I'm just drained and the fun has evaporated since the workload has been enormous lately.  I'm grateful for Tina & Chuy because man, we've been slammed the last few days and sometimes I just wanna scratch my eyes out...........but then we joke around and shoot rubber bands and then all is well (until the phone rings)

Other things on my mind....
Sometimes I wonder why certain siblings read my blog.  Honestly, I'd rather they didn't.  I don't want to be a part of their lives, and I sure as hell don't want them to be a part of mine... so there's really no need to read about my life.  We're just way too different and have nothing remotely in common with each others' lives.  The last time I had a conversation with one of my brothers, all he did was rain on my parade for my upcoming wedding.  It's like that was his whole agenda that day; to make me feel guilty for not inviting everyone that HE thought should be invited.  I'm just done.  I don't need that negative, egocentric attitude in my life anymore, ever again.  Goodbye Wayne. 

Other than that....  I am loving life!  Yeah work gets rough and challenging sometimes, but I couldn't be more grateful to have this great job and work with such great friends.  I love my husband with all of my heart.  He makes everyday a million times better!  I love the peace and calm that my home offers me.  It's quiet and relaxing.  He makes our home a safe haven from the crazy, tumultuous world.  I love it.  I can't wait til we get all of our wedding photos back so we can start hanging them on the walls.  I love them!  I'm stoked for my upcoming birthday.  I think I'm even more stoked for Labor Day and the 3 day weekend I get to sleep in.  Oh blessed be, I cannot wait!!!

Life.....

I feel like time has been flying by so quickly. I feel bad because there's so much I want to blog about but by the time I get home from work, I just want to veg and chill and cuddle with the Hubs. Sometimes it still hits me that, dude, I'm married… I have a husband… I'm a wife! Although, a lot of the time, while at work, I don't feel married because I still have to go by my maiden name until I take care of everything that needs to happen with the name change. 

But right now it's 10:53 PM, I have to make some lunches for tomorrow, finish washing the dishes, and think about someday unpacking… Especially since we've been home for a week now.

Oh yeah, and it was my nephew's birthday yesterday… Still need toblog about that.

So until I find a little more time (aka: motivation) to blog I will end with a photo.

Square Life: February/March

Life, via Instagram...

Finally tried the greatness which is Smashburger.  Oh man, seriously dig that place! And those fries are too good!

Enjoyed Sunday Brunch at Bali Hai restaurant today.  What a perfectly gorgeous day!  Fantastic views and SCRUMPTIOUS food!! I was so stuffed, I didn't eat anything for the rest of the day.  Did I mention it was DELISH!??!

I think I'm part Otter.  Poor Levi, I think I need to have a barrier sometimes.

Birch Aquarium - Beautiful fishes and aquatic life! 

I definitely need to frame this post card.  I love it so much!

Spent an evening with Hermanita eating Carne Asada Fries @ Lolita's in Bonita.  Probably the BEST Mexican food EVER! Their Chimichangas are AMAAAAZING!

I got this fortune on my one month mark! I had to chuckle to myself! 

I'm grateful for all the jobs I had up until this one, to teach me the things that I use daily.  

Nicolosi's in El Cajon... it was good the first time, but it sure as hell can't beat Filippi's! 

I felt like I was about 6 years old, using this at work.  

Did a lil shoppin' at Sprout's...couldn't help but chuckle at this sign. 

Had the opportunity to attend a baptism at my old ward.  How I wish I could turn back time because I miss ALL of my dear friends from CVYSA. 

One life...make it a happy one.

I came across this postcard a couple weeks ago in North Park.  It was a super cute shop, and I just had to have this gem after reading it.  I feel like it's the best way to describe my life....right now.  I'm at a very happy place in life right now and I know it's just going to get better. 

Come what may and love it!

Life & Death.

This past week, I've been thinking a lot about my ol' stake president and Runia, who passed away the week before.  He was a guy from my mission in New Jersey. I didn't know him all too well, but he was always so nice and cheerful about the Gospel.  Such a great spirit!  I couldn't believe that one of my fellow missionaries had died, so soon! He was married with four young children.  A life gone too soon.
Earlier this week, I also found out that my choir friends' baby girl unexpectedly passed away from SIDS. I just couldn't believe it, yet another death.  I was feeling sad and heavyhearted.  It helps me realize that life is a lot more precious than we think, that those we love can be gone in an instant--no matter the age.  
While my heart was grieved with such sadness, I felt like the clouds started to part when I received word that a dear friend gave birth to a long awaited baby girl.  I could feel the tears well up in my eyes because just over a year ago, she lost her first baby daughter the day after she was born.  I was (and still am) very ecstatic for her and her lil family.  What a joy & a blessing!
Life comes and goes....  but I'm grateful for the Plan of Salvation, to know that there's more {much, much more!} after this life.  What a blessing and comfort in times of loss.  So grateful...so, so grateful.

Atelophobia.

Today, I read a friend’s blog and learned about Atelophobia. 

Atelophobia: the fear of not being good enough or imperfection. 

At the end of her blog entry, she said, “But I can’t be the only one who feels this way about things?”  I thought about leaving a comment, but in actuality, this has been a thought of mine for the last few weeks.
I am/was a people pleaser…it comes and goes.  I grew up with my Mom always being comparing me to my brothers, friends, family, & neighbors.  Countless times I heard the line, “I already had my two boys, it was him (my Dad) that wanted a girl.”  So I already knew I wasn’t good enough.  It’s taken a HUGE toll on my self confidence.  I try to hide it and I try to do my very best to never believe the trash that’s kicked my way. I try to “fake it til I make it”, but that’s not always a solution.  These days, I consider the source and kick that trash to the curb. I am a VERY good daughter, and the best my parents will EVER have! {even though I‘m the only one}
I use to worry if I was a good enough Mormon. I’d compare my “have not’s” with others’ “have’s”, in the way of callings, talents, and accomplishments. I was hard on myself, I needed to give a 1000% in ALL things.  Dude, that was too much.  I laid on that “Mormon guilt” real thick, too thick, on myself.  I know how much service my family gave to the church, so I felt like I too had to go down that same path.   People can get burnt out real fast and that’s what it became for me.  At one point I had 5 callings.  Too much!!!  Church became more work, than worship.   I’ve come to terms with it.  All I have to do is be good enough for myself and my God.  I don’t have to go to ALL the ward activities.  I don’t pass out pass-along cards every day.  If I don’t want to go to church and spend it outside on a gorgeous day, or with loved ones…then I don’t go.  Do I feel guilty about it?  Nope, not in the least bit.  Do I care what others think about what I do or don’t do in the way of church?  Nah.  Do I like diet Coke? You bet your ass I do!  Do I support friends in callings and tasks at church? Absolutely.  
Speaking of friends…thankfully, I have never felt like a failure when it came to friendships.  I truly love my friends, and I’m pretty certain that they love me back.  I have always tried to be a true and loyal friend.   I will always try to be the best friend possible, to all my friends. 
Although, lately, I’ve worried if I’m good enough for my sweetheart Levi.  I can never adequately describe how much happiness he has brought to my life, heart and soul.  He spoils me to no end with his unconditional love,  undivided attention, endless patience, immeasurable wisdom and unceasing sense of humor.  I couldn’t have been luckier and more blessed to find this man.  I always hope that I reciprocate all the happiness he brings me.  {Thankfully, he reassures me that I do…and you know what, I believe him.  I know I make him happy!}  BUT, I can’t always worry about this concern and any other concerns, it takes away from my happiness and joy.  Every minute of worry is 60 seconds of happiness I throw away. 

As much as I want to worry about not being “good enough”, it’s JUST. NOT. WORTH. IT.!!! 
Whose standard of “good enough” or “perfection” am I comparing myself to anyways?   I am not going to sell myself short anymore, in assuming my good isn’t good enough! Damnit, my good is not only good enough, it‘s GREAT! 
In the end, I just need to be perfectly ME: Random, late, loyal, loving, sarcastic, happy, wise, impatient, talented, witty, kind ME!  

Peace.

This week, I've been trying to invite more PEACE into my life.
Sometimes, I think we allow ourselves to get caught up with so much distraction, disruption and disillusionment from what LIFE has to offer.

There is beauty in the world; bask in it. 

There is anger in the world; refrain from it.

There is joy in the world; partake in it.

There is bitterness in the world; depart from it

There is forgiveness in the world; share it.

The upside to having Meniere's Disease is knowing that I have to avoid stress.  That is one thing I am truly grateful for, with this syndrome.   [Of course that means I can't get too excited about my upcoming Disney parks trip {because I'm uber ecstatic!}.]  However,  it just means that I can't get worked up about every little thing that comes my way.  A wise friend once told me that I need to be "less invested" & to "let it go" sometimes.  He was 100% right!  I forget that sometime, but I'm so grateful when I remember!!

I just want to have a more peaceful life.  I don't want bad relationships--both family and friends.  I want to wish more people well, in their lives.  I want to forgive faster and love more.   I can't judge others and wish them harm, then expect Heavenly Father to forgive me for my own trespasses.  I can only live the best life possible and hope that others are doing the same.  

Jesus said love everyone.

Treat them kindly, too.

When your heart is filled with love,

Others will love you.

-Childrens Songbook, LDS

Something I need you to understand....

Today I had a terrible Meniere's episode.  My head just started to spinning and I couldn't do to anything divert it.   Most times I feel like I can stop it or at least counteract it.  However, today at work, my head just wouldn't stop spinning, and it felt like the whole room was spinning.  It often feels like an earthquake, so I'll look to see someone's reaction {or lack of} and then I know that it wasn't an earthquake but just my Meniere's, again. 

Today, my head just wouldn't quit spinning, so I tried to walk 5 feet to my sister's desk and the room still felt like a Twirl-a-World ride.  Unfortunately, the catch-22 to having these Meniere's/Vertigo episodes, is that they're so stressful and make me very anxious---which stress makes Meniere's even worse.  Oh I hate that part of this disease!  I told my sister to just take me outside, so at least I could escape to a different environment and breathe some fresh air. My heart was racing, my hands were shaking and I could feel a cool sweat start on my temples. I'm thankful I was with my sister.  She's been through these episodes before, with me, so I am incredibly grateful for her patient and calm presence.  My nephews and several close friends have also been extremely understanding.  They know that when I slip my arm into theirs, that my head's in a tailspin and I desperately need them for balance or from collapsing.  Unfortunately, my parents still haven't been able to truly understand that this isn't just an earache. There's nothing painful about it.  

When I initially spoke with my audiologist, he said that this was a condition that normally falls upon older people or those who had some sort of head trauma--both of which, I am not.  I don't know how I lucked out, but I've had it for the past 4 years. Sadly, there's also no cure for this disease {I really don't like that word--it makes it sound contagious}.  Meniere's Disease is like a combination of Vertigo and Tinnitus.  However, my Tinnitus consists of a "roaring"/"whooshing" noise, as if I have a stethoscope in my left ear. Sometimes the noise gets so terribly loud, that the only way I can help the noise subside is by pushing into the side of my neck. It looks like I'm taking my pulse, but it's the only way I can stop this constant roaring noise. Other detrimental factors to this condition is stress {good and bad stress, I didn't know there was such a thing as "good stress"}, sodium, alcohol and nicotine.  Luckily, it's only the first two that I really have to worry about.  

I just wish more of my friends could understand why I suddenly get so dizzy and a cold sweat immediately begins.  Or how nauseous I get when I watch a fast moving or spiraling scene of a movie.  You know that feeling you've been bending down low, then stand up too quickly, and you're light headed?  I get that ALL the time but for long periods of time. I can usually brace myself, but if I'm not careful I collapse to the floor.  Sometimes after a dizzy spell, it wipes me out and I'm left feeling very weak.  

I worry that my Meniere's could get worse.  I use to work at the temple with a woman who also had it, and she had to have her license suspended for a bit because her Meniere's got so out of control, but then it went away for several years. 

I've learned quite a bit from having Meniere's Disease.  I've learned to avoid and handle stress better.  That's been the biggest blessing, most of all.  When I think of all the things I could endure in this world, I think I'd much rather have Meniere's Disease.  When it's at its worse, I like to think that perhaps Heavenly Father knew that this would be the best trial for my life and knew that I would be able to endure it.  That gives me hope for the future.

The Vase.

I remember hearing a story about a vase, sometime ago.  It was a very beautiful and ornate Chinese vase.  I don't remember all the details of the story, because the whole time I wondered, "How many times could you break the vase and repair it, til it's irreparable?"


Today I'm thinking a lot about that vase and wondering the same thing.  


How many times can something be broken and mended til it just isn't what it was before?  Til it's unrecognizable and unusable?  If the vase was an animate object, would there be a point in time when it doesn't want to be repaired because it already knows it's going to break, yet again?  


Sometimes, I think people can only be hurt so many times til they start believing that all they're good for is to be broken.  How sad for those people who try to do good, but they're told that they're "good for nothing", "has no future" and "everything is wrong with [them]".   If only the people who say such hurtful things could see the damage that they do.  Sure there aren't bruises or scars, but man, it can really hit the core of someone.  


I hope that I never make anyone feel like they're worthless, hopeless and lower than dirt.  It hurts.  Especially when it comes from those closest to you....like family.  Like parents.  

Becoming.

*Sometimes, life gets hard: I forget that.

*Heavenly Father knows me & loves me: I forget that, too. 

*Do angels exist: Yes, they are in the form of my family & friends.

*Being humbled: is something that came soon after my last post.

*When the going gets tough, the tough gets going: This needs to be me.

*Will life get easier: No, but I'll become stronger.

.

Head above water....barely.

Sometimes, I feel like I barely have my head above water.  I feel like as soon as I get a breath in, I'm submerged once again.  I know that's LIFE and we all have our own struggles.  I get it.  I know there's no reason to "b*tch and complain" because people have their own problems to worry about.  But man, it's during those times when I feel the most alone.  Life would be just a little bit easier if we all had SOMEONE to lean on.  Just someone to carry the load, someone to understand your struggles in life...someone who will still care for YOU. 

I. HATE. BEING. SINGLE. 

I can't help but wonder what life would have been like had I gone ahead and married my Ex.  Would I have been happy having SOMEONE, than now having NO ONE?  I honestly think I'm going to die single.  You know, I can't help but wonder if this is some sick cruel joke, or "trial" that God thought I could grow from.  If I hear one more, "Gosh, you're great, I just don't understand why you're still single?!" I am going to punch that person in the face.
I feel like I just can't win.  Clearly, something's gonna have to give.  Do I want to marry in the temple for all eternity? Yes, I do.  The possibility of that happening with an LDS man, slim to none.  So what's it gonna be?  Something's gotta give, because clearly, holding out for an eternal marriage isn't ever gonna happen.  I cannot stand living alone anymore.  I'm done. 
My patriarchal blessing says that it'll happen at the "appropriate time".  WHEN THE EFF IS THAT?!?! Because at the times when I thought it was "appropriate",  when all my ducks were in a row, it never happened.  Is "appropriate time" after death when I can be sealed to someone?  I just can't stand being alone anymore.  Does God not know how I feel?  Does He not care that I'm barely holding on by a string? Am I asking too much to just be thrown a bone? Something in the glimmer of hope that I won't die alone?  AM I ASKING TOO DAMN MUCH?!!  
Right now, I'm tired of going to church.  I'm tired of seeing families all around, hearing about "eternal families",  taking care of other people's kids while realizing that I may never get to experience that, in this lifetime.  I barely have my head above water and I'm struggling because I'm going through a lot of life experiences that I never thought I'd have to deal with.   I don't know what more to do? I just wanna throw my hands up in the air because I'm out of solutions.  I try to do good and choose the right, but it only qualifies me for more trials.  I don't want more trials, I want something in the form of a good blessing.  Something to enjoy.  Gosh, I just wish the load of life was just a lil easier to bear.  I wish there was something GOOD in my life, just something....or someone.  I just want to love someone special and be loved in return.

I give up. 

In the works......

*I had an interview for an office manager position today.  I hope I get it? Yes, that's a question mark. I also applied, tested and currently in the background check process for a position with the Sheriff's department.  I wish the process went A LOT faster.  I'm afraid to accept this office manager position and then a week later be notified for the Sheriff's dept.  I'd hate to leave him in a lurch.  Don't get me wrong, I'm truly grateful for both job opportunities! Oh to be an adult and "get to" make such grown up decisions!

*Church.....  I'm not feeling this new ward that I've been attending since October. I feel out of place and like a constant visitor there. I don't feel at home there.  Whenever I visit ANY of the wards of my home stake, I'm welcomed with hugs and warm greetings.  Plus, I'm tired of driving 20 miles, one way, just to go to church.  I think a possible ward change is in the works.... Also, as I've been working with the YW from my home ward, during their Volleyball season, I can't help but want a calling in YW or Primary.  I miss having a high demand calling. 

*Today is Chinese New Year.  It's my FAVORITE holiday!! Seriously, I love this day!!

Enjoyed a delicious Chinese dinner with the family and traded lil red envelopes.

*Life.....is hard!  I am realizing that more and more.  It feels like constant "sink or swim" moments. I've come to learn that as long as my nostrils are above water, every so often, I'll survive.  Breathe, Ehu...just breathe.

*I want a bike.  A cool beach cruiser bike.  Please & Thank You.  It would come in handy....especially after last Tuesday night....in which I'll blog about later.

*And I joined Pinterest....we'll see how long that lasts.

LIVE IT UP!!

I've had this poem on my mind lately.  I feel like I've been existing and not LIVING.  I need to do more LIVING and not just floating through life. Enjoy this poem, it's one of my favorites....

If I Had My Life to Live Over

by Erma Bombeck
If I had my life to live over, I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television - and more while watching life.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."
There would have been more "I love you's".. More "I'm sorrys" ...
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute... look at it and really see it ... live it...and never give it back.

Good Monday to you too!

I feel cute today.  Like really REALLY cute....and that was before I even put on make-up.  I like moments like that :) I'm happy today.  Like "can't-stop-smiling" happy!  I love this song...

I guess I'm happy because...


*I'm wearing the earrings that Hermanita sent me from New Mexico


*August 1 is ONE WEEK AWAY!!! Yeah, I'm gonna have a friend again!!


*I got to chat with my missionary nephew last night!! AUGUST 12!! CANNOT WAIT!!!


* I trimmed & straightened my hair today! I FEEL cute! And LOVE IT!!



*I'm just happy about life.


I mean, I don't really have anything THAT great to grin about...but I'm alive and I'm happy.  Besides, I heard back about last week's job interview, I didn't get the job.  I almost let it ruin my day, but a friend once told me, "There are no bad DAYS, just bad MOMENTS.  Why let it spoil the WHOLE day?"


I get to see my friends tonight and do a lil missionary work.   I've got my health, my family, good friends and the beach. I think life is pretty darn good! :)

The good with the bad....

After last night's 'blog vomit', I almost thought about deleting the post. But then I thought about it more and decided against it.  I don't sugarcoat stuff or try to make my life seem like it's 100% happy-go-lucky.  That's not honest and that's not life.  Life is a rollercoaster.  Sometimes there's up and other times there's lows, dips and occasional upside downs.  It's life.

In the midst of my 'blog vomit', a couple things were holding me together:

-My long, slate blue Eddie Bauer sweater:  It's like a warm hug.  It's wonderful like a robe, but in sweater form.

 "Days Go By [acoustic]" by Dirty Vegas. It was the perfect blend of a chill beach vibe.  LOVE IT!!

-And this picture of Christ...

I'm working on a project with a friend and she sent me back a version of this picture.  (I don't wanna share what we've got brewing, yet).  It humbled me.  I do love my calling and this awesome opportunity to serve.  It humbled me because I doubt that Christ ever lost His cool.  He gave it all, including His life.  I need to follow His example more fully.  It's hard, but I still have room to grow and He gives me hope.  In the midst last night's blog, a thought came to mind..."I need the Atonement right now.  I need that emotional relief that comes through the Atonement." I'm grateful for the dips, the lows and the upside downs, it brings me to my knees in humility asking for help from my Heavenly Father.  Relief will come.... sometimes in the form of a loved one but always in the form Christ and His Atonement.  

A LITTLE overwhelmed!!

I feel anxious and panicky right now!!  I NEED to just breathe.  But there's SO MUCH TO DO!!! 

• I have homework that's due in an hour and a half. [I got 5 outta 6 assignments in. The 6th one is pending and submitted for instructor's approval. Good luck me.]
• "Shepherding"/Visiting Teaching lists that I need to organize and finalize tonight.  [It's 1:06am, ugggghhhh....shoot me in my head.]
• Organize the VT lists for the Quarterly reports that are due in a week up in SLC. [I'll do that right after I finalize the Shepherding list.]
• Have faith in my secretary that she'll be able to complete the newsletter by tomorrow. [She came through and surprised me with such a fantastic newsletter!  She also got me the reports I need for my VT quarterly reports.  She's only been in the position for 2 weeks and she's ROCKIN'!! LOVE HER!!]

I know that's only 4 things. But it's a lot of work to complete, due to the attention to detail.  

GGGAAAHHRRRRGGG!!!!

OVERWHELMED, I TELL YA.


plus, my Meniere's has been acting up lately :( 


BREATHE EHU.....JUST BREATHE!!!! 

Empathy.

I have a dear friend who I haven't seen for a couple years, but means so much to me. This past weekend, "Dixie" lost his brother in a terrible accident. I can't stop thinking about it. I just want to give my friend a warm embrace and hold him until the pain goes away. I wish I could tell him that "everything's going to be alright". Of course nothing's going to be the same anymore. I can't stop thinking about how he lost his brother at such a young age and more than just that....how his daughter will now grow up without a father. I just feel so much sadness for my friend. It makes me sad because they're both so young and there's so much more life ahead. He's even been to war in Afghan but yet he dies in an accident while working?! How does that happen!? It makes me weep for my friend, his family and all those that knew Dixie's brother. Milestones that will never be had and celebrations that will never be shared.

Life is short. Never let a day go by without expressing your love to those you care about.