Happy Tuesday to ME!

FINALLY!!! 

F--I--N--A--L--L--Y!

I got to see my friend Mr. Red!!! 

What a surprise phone call this afternoon!! I was dumbfounded when I saw his name pop up on my phone.  I couldn't believe it! 

So we hung out tonight and talked for a while at his place.  

It felt the same, but a lil different. Not drastically different, but a lil altered.....hard to explain.  

But it felt SO WONDERFUL just seeing and talking with my friend again.  

I've missed him a lot. 

SO VERY VERY MUCH. 

I missed talking with him about everything & anything. 

I love the ease & comfort of just being with him, it's difficult to feel any type of discomfort around him. "TMI" is non-existent, that makes me happy.

I can take my time in pondering and digesting stuff he throws at me, and he just patiently waits while I come to terms with it all. 
And sometimes it's just silent...and that's okay, there's no awkwardness. 
Occasionally, tears happen and empathy arises, never embarrassment.

It's a blessing & a  curse that he can read me so well.  It's like he can sense what I'm going to say which makes it even more easier to be so open with him.  And I never feel judged or stupid for some of the crazy things that come out of my mouth.

I couldn't be any more happier to have my friend back....Heaven knows I've missed him tremendously.

My heart feels full again! 

Thank goodness for weekends!

I'm not gonna lie.... This weekend was exactly what I needed! 

I needed to get my head in a better place and just regroup. 

Friday night was the blacklight "GLOW" dance--had an AWESOME time!!

Saturday was pure CHILL! 

Sunday was a DELIGHT! Got to see my friends at church &, hung out with a few of them at the beach playing Charades again! 

,,,and then I got to hang out with "Kobe".  

Which made the weekend even MORE better!!

It was fun.....and GREATLY needed! ;) 

There is something to be said about DANCING!!!

I went to the YSA "GLOW" [blacklight] dance tonight with my church friends. 

OH MAN---SO. MUCH. FUN.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Seriously, it was EXACTLY what I needed!!!

The music was FANTASTIC!!!

I got to dance with some of my DEAREST friends!

The blacklight did WONDERS for my ensemble!

Man, it was just SO AWESOME dancing the night away!!! 

Not thinking or worrying about ANYTHING!! 

Dancing your troubles away is my new favorite remedy! 
:)  

Realization & Hesitation.

This has been on repeat the last couple of days....

I've had a lot on my mind lately.  Sometimes, TOO much.  Poor Hermanita's ending up with a 5 page letter because I've kinda unloaded it all on her.  I mees her so much! I mees my bestest friend who lives out east.  I'm so grateful for my dear friends.  Seriously, I know I say that all the time, but I mean it every single time. I've got the greatest friends!
So I told him.  It went ...ok. I mean, nothing GREAT came of it and we're still friends so I guess that's a good sign, right?  We still act the same way as before and that's always a plus...I think?
Yesterday, I asked several friends why do we love deeply and allow ourselves to be vulnerable? I got the same 2 responses:
1. Because we hope to receive the same love in return.
2. Because Christ did it, so should we.
It's scary sharing your feelings sometimes. Usually it can go in two directions--either REALLY good or REALLY bad.  The last couple times this has happened, I've landed right in the middle.  At that point, I almost wish I never said anything because nothing good REALLY came of it.  


So I Googled, "To love deeply" and this was one of the results:
One of my very favorite reflections from Henri Nouwen is “Love Deeply,” found in his book “The Inner Voice of Love.” This beautiful meditation reminds me to continue to love and to be vulnerable enough to receive love, even if it means rising rejection and hurt, even as I feel an emptiness in my soul, a void in my heart, which makes me want to build barriers to keep everyone out. Here it is:

Do not hesitate to love and to love deeply.
You might be afraid of the pain that deep love can cause. When those you love deeply reject you, leave you, or die, your heart will be broken. But that should not hold you back from loving deeply. The pain that comes from deep love makes your love ever more fruitful. It is like a plow that breaks the ground to allow the seed to take root and grow into a strong plant. Every time you experience the pain of rejection, absence, or death, you are faced with a choice. You can become bitter and decide not to love again, or you can stand straight in your pain and let the soil on which you stand become richer and more able to give life to new seeds.
The more you have loved and have allowed yourself to suffer because of your love, the more you will be able to let your heart grow wider and deeper. When your love is truly giving and receiving, those whom you love will not leave your heart even when they depart from you. They will become part of your self and thus gradually build a community within you.
Those you have deeply loved become part of you. The longer you live, there will always be more people to be loved by you and to become part of your inner community. The wider your inner community becomes, the more easily you will recognize your own brothers and sisters in the strangers around you. Those who are alive within you will recognize those who are alive around you. The wider the community of your heart, the wider the community around you. Thus the pain of rejection, absence, and death can become fruitful. Yes, as you love deeply the ground of your heart will be broken more and more, but you will rejoice in the abundance of the fruit it will bear.

Read more: http://blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue/2009/01/henri-nouwen-love-deeply.html#ixzz1W7jAbjLr

I don't know want to do it.  I don't think I can.  Not anymore.  I'm done putting my heart out there and getting nothing in return.  It's scary and I don't like suffering that hurt and emptiness.  I just can't do it anymore.  I don't want to wear my heart on my sleeve anymore.  My poor heart, it doesn't deserve this.  I rather be guarded from now on.  My true self and tender feelings saved for a very select few, or maybe just no one at all.  
I wish I could take back this week. Actually, I wish I could take back the last couple weeks when I allowed myself to see otherwise and read too much into things.  The stupid thing, is that I asked him out on a date for my birthday weekend, to one of my favorite dessert spots.  Honestly, that's all I wanted to do for my birthday.  Now, I'm not so sure.  I think I'm just going to cancel with him.  Why get my hopes up for something that'll end up just being a disappointment.  Oh well, another birthday down the drain.... what else is new?   I don't know why I continue celebrating my birthday, in one way or another they just suck.  Especially this year, with the 10th anniversary of the September 11 attacks.    


Hmph... oh well.  I tried.  I failed.  I'm done.

That funny little place between "feelings" and "friendship"

I have this friend....

We've been friends for a bit.  I wouldn't say we're super close, but he's a good friend. A VERY good friend.  I mean, he goes above and beyond in word and deed.  On the outside,  he can seem very rough around the edges... but to me, he's nice and makes me laugh.

I think I like him. I mean, as more than friends.  And it's weird. Because I feel like I have to curb it when I'm with him---because we're only friends.  Sometimes I want to tell him, but then I think, "What good will this bring our friendship? What happens if he freaks out and starts acting weird, then what good will it have brought?"

Oh....that funny little place between "feelings" and "friendship" can get sticky and awkward sometimes.


update: I told him.


Hmph. :-/

Sunday Night = Game Night!!

After Saturday night's game of Charades, I was still in 'game' mode and was feeling competitive.  I threw an invite out on Facebook and in an hour, a group of friends & I were down at the beach playing Charades! Around 11pm, we left and some of us ended up at my house playing Quelf. Oh man, GREAT times!!! I love game nights!

He was acting out how he would have done, "Mechanical Bull".

Charade word: Giving Birth

SHAKE FACE!!!

"Might as well jump!"

Such a FUN game!! Highly recommend it!!

The CRAZY things that Quelf has you do! Poor Carol :(

Cookies, Charades & Coronado!

Some of my favorite photos from Saturday night!

Had a GREAT time! And I think my friends may have, as well! It was a very rousing game of Charades! (as well as SHAKE FACE!) The cookies & strawberries were delicious! And we just happen to have fireworks that night!

All in all, I loved it!!

:)

On tonight's menu....

I'll be making some of these:

as well as these, with my sister: 

(butterscotch chip cookies!)

And then later enjoying them here:

While doing this:

(sorry it's a StockPhoto--but it was the BEST representation of the activity (double date) & participants..heehee)

Oh man, I can't wait!! I'm so stoked and excited for some gooooood times ahead!! 

Here's to an AWESOME night!!

The Official August 19, 2011 post.

* I'm obsessed with Adele's "Someone Like You" song!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!

*Had pizza tonight...oh man, I LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE pizza!!!

*Tomorrow I've got a double/blind date. I'm setting up two friends tomorrow. I think they'll be a fun match! Plus my date is my good friend, so I know we'll have fun anyways.  I can't wait!

*I'm at my friend's Reed's house and found a book, "The Neal A. Maxwell Quote Book".  Oh man, I love & miss that man! He was so wise and intelligent! Makes me miss Pres. Hinckley as well..... :(

*I feel the next couple weeks are going to fly by.  For once, I don't want my birthday to get here. I want it to go as slowly as possible!!

*Yet, in the same breath, I'm excited for the night before my birthday to get here.... I've got a date.  I'm pretty stoked for it! :)

*Things aren't kosher between my Mom & I.  There's obvious tension and I don't know what to do.   I mean, I could serve her, because that is what I've done in the past in order to love someone.  I just wish I had a better relationship with my Mom.  I wish I even had a relationship with her.  It's been non-existant these last couple of years.   Makes me a lil sad, but it is what it is... This has been a long time coming, unfortunately.

*Hmm....  I really can't wait until tomorrow night! Seriously, I'm giddy excited! Oh man.... fun times ahead!


*"Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened."  That's how I feel about a certain friend.  I think some friends come and stay and then there are friends that come and go.  It's been a true pleasure knowing this friend.  I will miss him dearly but I will always be grateful that he was my friend. I wish him well.  

Mission: COMPLETED!

Yes, my sign says, "Go Back to Fiji"....which is better than the sign he's holding, he can thank his brother Bubba.

This is why I love jumping photos: the faces!

Can't help it, we're ECSTATIC that he's home!!

We LOVE gifts from Fiji!!

Always grateful!

Sometimes I have moments when I feel like my heart is so full.  I feel so blessed and couldn't ask for anything more.  Tonight is one of those moments. 
I truly love my friends. I love them all.  I love those that I am BLESSED to attend church with.   They are my dearest friends.  I feel like Heavenly Father placed the choicest spirits and heaven sent angels in my path to make my life so much more and to befriend me.  I seriously feel so spoiled to have the greatest friends ever!! 
As I was talking with my dear friend Nash at FHE tonight, I could feel my heart bursting with love for her and all my friends around me.  I couldn't be anymore grateful! 
On the way home, my nephew Simi turned to me and said, "Thank you for accepting the call to be Relief Society president."  It was out of the blue, but it made me think back to when the call was extended to me and my change of heart towards the sisters in my ward.  My first worry, when the Bishop extended the call, was "How am I going to love all the sisters?".  The answer was something I learned on my mission, "Serve them til you love them and then you'll love to serve them."  It's true. I love each of the sisters in the ward.  They are beautiful, kind, intelligent, caring, funny, and loving women.  My heart bursts with love when I think of them.  I look forward to any moment I get to speak with them and get to know them.  I love them all and would do just about anything for them. It has been a true pleasure and blessing serving them and becoming better friends with them. 


Blessed beyond measure!

Like I told him.....

"I will enjoy church tomorrow"


and I did!

• I was blessed to sit next to my nephew Bub, and attend church with my sister, niece & missionary nephew, Simi. 
• I got to see my friends! Hugged each of them!
• I was able to witness my new Relief Society instructor teach for the first time and do an excellent job!! For only being 18 years old, she was awesome!
• I became closer to a friend I never quite knew before and look forward to getting to know her more.  

I just feel like I'm blessed beyond measure sometimes. I love my friends. I love my loved ones.  I feel like Heavenly Father surrounds me with good people with good hearts.  

We went over to our friend, Reed's house and had dinner & game night with them. Oh I love them so much!! They're just awesome!!  They're just like family, well, they ARE family.  

I've come to learn that "family" doesn't have to mean or be defined as 'blood relatives'.  It's deeper than that, sometimes. It's people that you love and love you back, that want the best for you and genuinely have your best interest at heart.  I've come to see that in my closest friends and loved ones....and that's why I feel like I'm so blessed. 

Who needs enemies?

When I woke up around 10a,  there were two missed calls from my brother Wayne.  I tried to call him back but it went to voicemail.  I didn't leave a message so I sent him a text instead:

[*typed exactly from the texts--excluding the foul language, that was censored]

Me: Hey called you back... What's up? 

Him: What kind of games you uys got going on with bullshi*ing tha arrival of simione? 

Me: What does it matter to you? Nice that you're so concerned with Simi all of a sudden.  Dont worry about it you don't live here, with them. I didnt know you were so concerned about Mom & Dad, especially when it came time to move them out of their house.  Something you don't know is that it was SIMI'S REQUEST! Something you, your brother and Mom do not understand! Take it up with Simi. See ya.

Him: Well let me tell you what... you all are full of sh*t...I took a $180 f*cking loss of a plane tickets you pieces of shi*t and I have no problem...

Me: I have no problem too. You're the dummy that should have asked Simi directly.  Oh wait that means you should have written him, at least once.  

Him: You talk big sh*t now...get your own life you freeloader and you see how easy it is to survive and just take time out to help those who have help already.  You all are a bunch of hypocrites...go eat the sacrament with that good feeling of f*cking over someone...i bet mom and dad awere proud of you guys on thursday! 

Me: You could have used your plane tix to go visit your friends when you come to San Diego, like you usually do.  

Him: It takes two to write a**hole...and unlike David....I will come and f*ck sh*t up over there...so brave over the phone keep this up f*ckhead.

Me: Well you wouldn't know, you weren't here.  I will enjoy church tomorrow.  I'll pray for you, heaven knows you need it.  See ya :)

Him: Yeah...i know i need it as much as you ehu...but remember i know enough to respect it and not go then to be a bullsh*ter and go...you blind lil girl!!!

...and that ladies and gentlemen is my older brother, Wayne.  

I'm not mad or hurt by his texts.  I chose to abide by my nephew's wishes of not having certain individuals know of his arrival date. I did not lie. I simply said that Simi would be home on Friday, Aug. 12.  That is the truth. He'll also be home on Sat. Aug. 13 as well...and every day afterwards.  Now if I said, "coming home" then that would imply something different.  

As for the foul language that was used, that was on his part. I feel sorry for him that he feels the need to use such language and try to belittle me.  As for his threat of coming to San Diego, I'm not hiding nor running. I don't have anything to fear. 

I haven't had much of a family for the last 2 years.  I love my father, sister, nephews & niece with all of my heart.  They are my family, the people I want to spend eternity with.  As for brother, I will pray for him.  His heart needs to be soften.  As my once wise oldest brother David once said, "Kill 'em with kindness."  I won't fight with my brothers anymore.  I'm tired of it.  I will continue to do my best to be a good daughter to both of my parents.  I cannot afford to waste anymore days of having a black heart or negative feelings.  I'm over it.  

Lost & Deleted.

I started a blog entry last night of all of the texts I've saved over the last year and up until yesterday.  
They were some of my most favorite texts and I wanted to record them somewhere...like here on my blog because writing out each one in my journal would take too long. 


I logged onto blogger to finish that post...


The post is lost.
Just the title remained. 


As for the texts... 
I deleted them last night. 


So now, I've got nothing to show for them.

:(


I feel pretty sad. 

2 for Tuesday...

DANG!! I can't wait for the next few days to FLY by!!! I'm dying for Friday to get here!!!  

Two, count them, TWO big reasons to celebrate will be happening!!

My missionary nephew will coming home from Fiji after two years!!

& 

It's my nephew, Bubba's birthday!!

So many good times are ahead this week! 

I CANNOT WAIT!!

You know you're draggin' when....

...someone says, "You're tired. You can tell in your voice."

Dang, that's pretty bad.

Oh yeah, and here's an "interesting" Q&A I had with a guy this week:

Me: "What's your favorite restaurant?"

Him: "Jack in a Box. Oh wait, Carl's Jr. Well actually both!"

Me: "Oh. Ok."

....
Me: "What cologne do you like to wear?"

Him: "Axe."

On what planet is Jack in a Box a restaurant and Axe is a cologne?! 

Pues.

I Love Lucy!

Did anyone else catch this on Google today?!

I love the Google Doodles!! 

Happy 100th Birthday Lucille Ball!
You're my favorite red head!

Ehu vs. Meniere's

Man, I feel like it's been kickin' my trash lately.  And it has.  
On Sunday, I had to hold my neck while speaking because my Tinnitus was getting pretty loud in my left ear. I haven't had to do that for a long time.  I'm getting worried.  The fact that my ear has had the "whooshing" sound in it lately isn't a good sign.  The Vertigo spells will start again...which they kind of have already.  I NEED to decompress and stop stressing. 
Both good and bad stress isn't good for Meniere's.  I've been having a lot of both lately.  No bueno.
Fatigue has been setting in a lot more lately.  This also isn't good.  When someone would mention Fatigue, I thought they were just sleepy.  Fatigue is more than that; it's a constant feeling of weariness, tiredness, or lack of energy.
Unfortunately there's no cure for Meniere's.  That totally bites. However, there are ways to curb its symptoms.  Oh well, I'll do my best, be glad to have what health I do have and be grateful for loved ones and a Relief Society Presidency that helps me along the way.  The blessing in all of this is that I learn how to handle stress a little better, enjoy activities that promote decompression and have more empathy for those with chronic illnesses.  

10 Day YOU Challenge: tres.

{3} The Godfather

It's a classic! It has a lil bit of everything (romance, family loyalty, action) plus young Al Pacino & Robert DeNiro are way HOT!!

((2)) The Holiday

Probably my #1 favorite "chick flick"! Makes me laugh EVERY time!! Love it! Jack Black's a riot, Jude Law's pretty to look at and his accent's just so delicious and Cameron Diaz's house is perfect for me!

<1> Paradise, Hawaiian Style 

I can guarantee that 1% of my friends has maybe watched this movie. It's not a popular Elvis Presley movie, but some of it was filmed at the Polynesian Cultural Center in Laie, Hawaii.  My Dad was a Labor Missionary there at the time and was an extra in the movie. He helped paddle the canoe that Elvis was in and you can see my Dad for a good minute or two.  If you ever watch it, he's the one that waved at the camera. My Dad, he's such an amateur! :) 

**Wow! Love Youtube! I found it! He's the paddler sitting next to the girl in the canoe.  And he waves during 2:47. Oh my Dad...Everytime I watch this scene, it makes my heart swell and I love him even more!

IS TODAY CRAZY DAY?!?!?!?

Apparently it started last night and has continued on to today...


Crazy #1- Stupid Driver #1 runs me off the road on L ST. & 3rd Ave, even after I honked at her.
Crazy #2- Stupid Driver#2 on 3rd & H St. doesn't know how to turn left on a green light, thus stopping in the crosswalk & the intersection during the red light...which meant that pedestrians had to walk out in traffic around her car.
Crazy #3- Stupid Driver #3 on 4th & Parkway wants to turn left from the far right lane. He stopped traffic in his lane, until he could successfully turn left. No he didn't merge first, he just waited. 
Crazy #4- CrazyDrunkGuy walking by just starts yelling at a Weinerschnitzel customer in line.
Crazy #5 - Same CrazyDrunkGuy goes running across 4 lanes of moving traffic on Broadway, yelling at the bus to "WAIT!!"

ALL this happened within 10 minutes--CRAZY DAY MADNESS!!