Free books? YES PLEASE!!

This has become my favorite spot in my house.   Lately, it's become the focal point of my room.  Before, my bookshelf use to just hold my books, but now it's become the center of my universe. I just love this corner because of how colorful and alive it feels.  These aren't all of my books, I've got books under my bed and in a box in the trunk of my car.
I've been spending a lot of time at my secret book spot and scoring some sweet finds!  Yesterday I scored the sweetest "find" possible!
Right after my mission, I worked in the office at Deseret Industries.  There was a gentleman that came in about 2-3 times a day for books.  He was always friendly with me.  I would entertain his humor and laugh at his lil jokes.  In talking with him, I came to find out that he did book reviews for Deseret Book.  Once he offered me a possible book review job. I turned it down since I was soon leaving for school out of state.  The funny thing about it, he wasn't Mormon.  However, he had a respect for the LDS church, being Jewish.
Over the years, I'd randomly see him around town.  We remembered each others' names and would exchange pleasantries with one another.  Yesterday, as I was eating lunch with my best friend, he happened to approach us and soon joined our table for a few minutes. We talked about the DI, Utah and books.  I expressed my rediscovered love of books & my secret book spots in town.   He told me that he had somewhere much better than all those places combined--his personal collection.  He said that he's been giving all my secret spots hundreds of books from his collection.  He hasn't been able to do so lately because of his failing health.  He gave me his card and said to put a list together of all the books I'm looking for. (He even offered for me to just come over and go through all his books...all of which I could have for free!!) I told him I was looking for a lot of the classics (Les Miserables, Anna Karenina, The Odyssey, Iliad), he said that he had them all.  Also, if I happen to be looking for church books, he had those as well.  Now I remember him telling me how Deseret Book use to send him books for him to read and review, so he read through them once and just kept them (or later donated them).
HELL FRIGGIN YEAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!
It was like a ginormous Christmas gift!!  I AM SO FRIGGIN STOKED!!! TOTALLY HOOKED UP!!!
Oh I cannot wait!!  My mind has been racing since our chance meeting!
What do I want??
Walt Whitman... Edgar Allan Poe... Leo Tolstoy....Robert Browning....Jane Austen....EVERYTHING!!
YES, PLEASE!!!

BEST friends day!!

I feel like today has been "Best Friends" day! Just what I needed!  

I got to text back & forth with my best friend StephyPooh.  She's a busy wife & mama of 2 adorable little girls, so I cherish anytime we get to communicate.  She had me laughing out loud! I treasure our friendship so much.  She means the world to me and I wish wholeheartedly that we could live closer to each other.  She was my favorite missionary companion.  She has a heart of gold!  We were texting about how crazy life is and we brought up mission memories....like the time we were caught in a rainstorm without any jackets or umbrellas.  Or the time I slipped in a rain puddle and landed on my backside, in mud.  Oh such fun times! The time I served with her, was my fondest time on the mission.  In short, I miss her terribly.

My oldest best friend Liz, who grew up across the street from me, had the day off so she called me up.  She ended up coming over and we caught up with each other. We haven't talked or hung out lately, so the time together was very welcomed .  It was just wonderful having quality time with her.  It felt like the good ol' days of just kickin' it together.  We talked about our families, jobs, school, dating & life, in general. I didn't realize I missed her that much.  It was such a delightful afternoon!  I really miss living across the street from her. 
Lastly, I got to hang out with my best friend Bugs tonight. We walked around Old Town and visited the shops.  We looked at a lot of Dia de los Muertos stuff.  It was just a relaxing evening, spent amongst the Mexican culture.  As always, we had great  conversations about everything. I love talking with Bugs, I never feel judged.  She probably knows me the best out of everyone in my life.  Even though we just spent this past Monday together, all day, we still find so much to laugh and talk about. 


After some crazy events this week, I couldn't be more grateful to have spent the day with my very best friends. I LOVE the quality time I get to spend with them. They all have a very generous heart and are very giving.  I always hope that I am reciprocal in my friendship with them.  I am thankful to have them all in my life. I have been blessed (and spoiled) with the BESTEST best friends a girl could ever ask for!!  My cup runneth over ♥♥♥

Facebook, thank you for informing me about my family.

Today I'm pissed, hurt, sad and in disbelief.  
My once cherished relationship with my nephew Kea is gone. 
I woke up this morning to a picture of his girlfriend's left hand showing off her nail polish....and ring. 
Then I scrolled down to see that she's engaged.  To my nephew.

I hate this.  I. HATE. IT.!!!
I always told him that if anything or anyone stood in the way of his mission, I would hate it/them.  

I called him out about it on Facebook. I know, I know...that's not extremely mature.  But I figured "Hey! If this is how I'm going to find out, then this is how I'm going to respond."  
Then it ended up in a texting war, while I was out to Costco with my other nephew.  I was shaking because I was so livid.  I'm hardly ever this mad.  But I wasn't just mad, I was hurt. I'm hurt that our relationship has dwindled down to nothing, because he likes to communicate with me only if he needs something.
I'm hurt that I didn't find out from him, but from a photo on his fiancee's page. I'm hurt that he didn't tell me.  
And today that hurts me to my very core.  

Norah Jones & Mint Tea

Today's a rather good day for tea. I don't normally drink "hot drinks", but the weather has been calling for it.   Mint tea coupled with some Norah Jones makes for a very lovely afternoon.

Today is my best friend's birthday....

We haven't hung out much since we moved in December.  It hurts my heart because I loved having her right across the street.  We were neighbors since we were born 31 years ago.  It's always been fun having her so close.  I surely miss her.  I think I'll have to give her a call here soon, today. 

I came across this today.  Made me think a lot about what my sign would say if I had to wear one.  I'll post my sign sometime soon. 

Yesterday, I spent the day up in Los Angeles with my BFF, Bugs.  We stopped by the Santa Monica pier before we hit the freeway.  It was a VERY pleasant day. I love my BFF!! We're the best of friends and she knows all my secrets.  We had the radio off the whole time and just talked.  I love good conversations!

My Artsy friend invited me over to decorate Dia de los Muertos sugar skulls.  I took my niece with me and it was really fun! I think I rather do that than carve pumpkins, for sure!!

I'm really excited for this Halloween season because I'm looking forward to more Dia de los Muertos celebrating.  Can I say "celebrating"? Well, whatever the appropriate word is, I'm stoked for it. I just love all of that Mexican folk art!!

And isn't it ironic... don't you think.

Well,  I was late to my first Sunday at my new ward (church congregation). They moved to a new building this year and it looks NOTHING like a typical LDS chapel.  I sat out in the foyer during the rest of Sacrament meeting.  Afterwards, I kinda watched some Relief Society women just walk on by.  It made my heart sink and then think back to my Relief Society sisters, my dear friends, and hoped they never let a newcomer just sit alone by herself.  Luckily, "Sonny", a [good lookin'] Samoan friend of a friend remembered me and showed me around.  Sonny's very pleasant and it was nice to have someone finally say hi.  I sat by myself in Gospel Doctrine class. I thought it was pretty ironic that the scripture we discussed in class came from Ephesians:
Now therefore ye are no more strangers and foreigners, but fellow citizens with the saints, and of the household of God;
I couldn't help but chuckle to myself.... This was so totally me! The teacher asked the class if this related to anyone.  One person raised their hand but their example wasn't too stellar.  So I raised my hand because it totally described my feelings that day.  Part of my heart was left back at my old ward and I was trying desperately to make myself feel comfortable at this new ward.  

In the end, I ended up meeting more EQ guys than RS women.  Some of them weren't all too friendly.  The guys were nice but they weren't my ol' familiar guy friends from the ward, I meant, my old ward. 

*sigh*

This experience left me thinking about my mission.  It was like being transferred from a beloved area full of my favorite people to a new area of strangers that I've yet to know & love.  I remember that happening when I left Medford, my first mission area. I cried on the way back to the apartment that last night. I was going to miss all those members & friends who took me in and loved me so!  Once I acclimated myself to Bordentown, I missed Medford less and less and loved Bordentown more and MORE!  I didn't completely forget about Medford, it would always have a special place in my heart. New friends that I made didn't replace all those magnificent friends from my first area, they were just more people for me to love and vice versa. So as much as I will love and miss CVYSA, it's time to move on and make new friends and memories.  

What tomorrow brings....

I'll be attending a new ward tomorrow.
I'm not gonna lie, I'm nervous and sad, but also excited and anxious.  I guess I'm just a bundle of emotions. I'm sad because I won't have all my friends there. I won't be greeted with hugs and smiles as I always am when I attend church. Familiar faces will be replaced by strangers (aka: new friends yet to be made).  My heart isn't exactly happy but it's trying to be.  It's a new experience. I don't do so well with those sometimes.  Oh well...

I just hope this won't be me, all day at church:

I hope I make a friend. 

(wow, that sounds sad....but it's the truth. sigh.)

...and in the end....

I did get to spend my Thursday with comfortable friends and especially one in particular.  I'm really glad. 

My recital went well. I was first up to bat and man, that made me more nervous. I wasn't necessarily nervous, but I wasn't completely comfortable.  For those with vocal pieces, we didn't get a mic to use. Hermana R said that "real singers don't use a mic".  Wow. I feel like a real singer now. My only qualm about the recital is that the very spot of the music stand must have been about 50 degrees hotter! Seriously, I haven't sweated that much since being on an elliptical!  I think every pore must have been sweating! It was hotter than Hades! Afterwards I told my music teacher and she said that it's common for a performer's body temperature to go up. I just didn't expect it to go up that much.  In the end, I did well and I was happy with my performance. I'm glad I had a friendly face to concentrate on and would smile back at me. It made a big difference. 

I went by my church last night...  Mr. Red had a meeting and I also wanted see my friends.  Can I just say, I love walking and talking with Mr. Red! Seriously, it's one of my top 5 favorite things to do.  I love the fresh air combined with our conversations about everything.  I couldn't be more grateful to have him in my life.  

Tonight I get to see my dear friend, Nash. I'm really glad and can't wait! Also because I get to see BabyChleo! Oh I love that baby SO VERY VERY VERY MUCH!!!! As excited as I am to see Nash & Hubby, my dear, close friends..... I'm actually more ecstatic to see BabyChleo!  I sometimes wonder why I love that baby so much.  Some may think I'm baby hungry and feel the need to have children---maybe.  But what it comes down to, I knew Nash & Hubby when they were just dating.  Then I was there when they were married and it was a beautiful ceremony. Nash was radiant and Hubby couldn't be anymore happier.  When Nash found out she was pregnant, I was amongst the first she told.  Every Sunday we would sit together in Sunday School and I would rub her belly. So in essence, I love BabyChleo so much because I loved her from the very beginning, because I love her parents.  They mean so much to me. ♥

"Comfortable friends"

Sometimes it's really, REALLY nice to turn your phone off for the day. 

And other times, it's really, REALLY nice to have some of your "comfortable friends" around you.

Today, I really, REALLY miss CC & Hermanita. I miss them so much!! 

I wish I could spend the day lounging around in pajamas watching chick flicks with CC.  

I wish I were in Hermanita's car, just talking with her til 6am.

I miss them so much today.  

I wish more of my "comfortable friends" lived close by. 

I'm grateful for the "comfortable friends" that bless my life.  Those heaven sent angels that know me to the core and I never feel the need to explain stuff because they just get it. 

In the meanwhile...these occupied my time.......

Excuse me, I'm suffering from a case of 'Butterfly Knots' today.

-So tomorrow's my recital. I'm nervous as heck and because I am, I can't memorize A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G!!!  When my nerves get the best of me, it's just terrible!!!  It's like my mind can't wrap itself around the lyrics that I know I KNOW.... I can already feel the knots in my stomach. Knots? Butterflies? Butterfly knots? Yes, that's exactly what I have.  I have Butterfly Knots.  That's what I'm calling them from now on.  

-Have you ever been super stoked excited to see someone...and then got way too nervous that you started to think that you don't want to see them?  Sorry, apparently I'm suffering from the 'crazies' as well today.  

-Anywhoo... I get to walk & talk with Mr. Red tonight. Walking & talking is one my most favorite thing to do with friends. I think fresh air helps people think clearer.  Plus, I always rather be outside. (And when I say "walk" I mean 'stroll', no power walking here...it'll interfere with the integrity of a good conversation)

-I finished reading Eat, Pray, Love last night and then watched the movie. Yep, the book was WAAAAAAAAAAAAY better!!! Oh I loved that book!! I need to meditate. I haven't being doing so lately.  I like trying to align my chi and get my spirit in a good place.  

-Sim & I went to Barnes & Noble yesterday. OH MAN, I LOVE THAT PLACE!!!! I ALWAYS want to buy EVERYTHING in there...or at least one of everything.  I love the deal they have going on right now, Buy 2 get 1 free (of their B&N classic versions).  I found Anna Karenina, The Art of War & Tao Te Ching.   I SOOOOOOOOOOOO wanted those...but I need to finish the books I've recently purchased.  Those will the next 3 books I purchase.  But, I also found an awesome book by Walt Whitman that I want...which happens to be part of that special.  Man, I LOVE BOOKS!! I LOVE TO READ!!! As we were walking around, I felt as giddy as a kid at Disneyland.  

-Yes, books & reading have become my life. Earlier this week, I went to my secret spot for buying sweeeeet books. I TOTALLY scored on a compact quad of the scriptures (Bible & Book of Mormon).  TOTAL SCORE! I love it!! I can't wait to start reading the scriptures again, from cover to cover. I'm stoked for this smaller version because, for the last 5 months I've been hauling a VERY heavy bag to church each week. Now I can just show up with a cute small purse and call it a day! :) Love it!  I also bought: 

I've rediscovered my love affair with reading & books and I couldn't be any happier.  More on this top later...

Love + Service = Charity

From my journal....
May 16, 2011 - 2AM  Monday Morning
I was called into the Bishop's office yesterday.  It was a very humbling experience.  He extended the call of Relief Society President to me.  I felt very small and humbled, as well as unworthy & inadequate.  I told the Bishop that I wanted to pray about it to get my own confirmation.  I can't believe it.  I am grateful for this opportunity to be an instrument in the Lord's hands, to be in the service of others & to be more charitable.  I hope to do my very best. 
-ESL

Yesterday I was released as my ward's Relief Society president.  Man, I didn't think I'd be as emotional as I was.  My heart was joyful for Joz, because I know that she will be an excellent president.  I know this because she's been an AMAZING first counselor.  When I was released, I felt empty, like the mantle was taken off of me...much like being released as a full-time missionary for the church.  To describe it, it's like a sigh of relief, but an immediate rush of sadness and longing for the right & responsibility again.  After I was released, the water works wouldn't stop flowing. Seriously, it was terrible AND I was playing organ too, so I was on the stand.  AYE!! I couldn't find my tissue anywhere and I tried to wipe my face on the inside of my sweater during the Sacrament prayers (gross, I know...).  Luckily, my friend (and chorister) went up to bear her testimony and brought back some tissue for me. And then Fast & Testimony meeting turned into an 'Ehu Tribute' time.  I was wholeheartedly touched...but I felt a lil bad for any visitors and those desiring a gospel uplift.  I decided that I should bear my testimony, because my heart was so full of appreciation for the Atonement (and the tissue box by the pulpit was a lot closer than walking up the chapel aisle and to the restroom).  I am thankful for the Atonement. I wouldn't have been allowed the experience of serving as the Relief Society president if I didn't fully partake of the blessings of the Atonement.  
 I have never put so much of my heart and soul into a calling.  I loved and enjoyed this calling far more than my mission and serving as a temple ordinance worker.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVED those callings too!  The words of my mission call come to mind, "Greater blessings and more happiness than you have yet experienced await you as you humbly and prayerfully serve the Lord in this labor of love among His children".  That doesn't just apply to a mission call, I think that applies to all callings, when those calls of service are greatly pursued.  
I NEEDED this calling and didn't even know it.  A week before I was called, I was driving home thinking, "I need to do more service for others. I haven't been and I feel like my heart is black."  Then it happened...  In fact, I was going to leave church early that day due to not feeling well that weekend, but surprisingly all signs of illness disappeared during Sacrament meeting. When the call was extended, my immediate concern that I expressed to the Bishop was, "How am I going to love ALL the sisters?".  Then I remembered something I learned on my mission, "Serve them til you love them and then you'll love to serve them".  It's true!! I tried it!! I LOVED serving my fellow Relief Society sisters, with all of my heart, I LOVED IT!! 
It felt like the more I served and loved others, Heavenly Father quadrupled that and gave it back to me in the form of love, from so many. I have never felt so much love in my entire life than I did during these last several months.  My heart could burst from all the love that so many gave me in return, or just gave me-period! The windows of heaven were surely open to me and I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who knows each of us.  I will forever be thankful for the time I had to serve my fellow sisters. I have a greater love for each them.  Several of them have become dear close friends, friendships that I will forever cherish.  I hope Heavenly Father knows how grateful I am for everything, most especially this last chapter of my life.  My cup runneth over....  ♥ ♥ ♥

It's not often....

...but I could really use a GOOD guy hug.  

*hmph*

The day before....

<--- I just fell in love with The Killers even more.

I have so much on my mind. I feel like I have so much to do before tomorrow.  

But tomorrow's going to be a different type of church experience.  I haven't felt this feeling since the last residential block that we tracted, as a Mormon missionary.  I feel like I have this anxiousness and nervousness to get so much more done before I'm released as Relief Society President.  I want to go visit all the sisters that I can today! I want to set in order EVERYTHING before it's handed off to the next president. I already know who it's going to be and I have all the faith in the world in her.  I know her personally and I know that she will be a far better president that I could have ever been. In all honesty, I think I rocked as president but I KNOW that she will excel far beyond my capacity.  I love her dearly and I know she loves the sisters dearly, as well.  

Hmmm... so I do have a lot to do today.  Dang, and I get to see some of my funniest friends tonight. I'm stoked!

Recital: "R-E-C-I-T-A-L, Recital."

From my journal... (excluding the real names of those mentioned)

Oct. 12, 2011 - Wednesday

Hermana (Sister) "R" informed me that she would be having a recital for her music students, and we could invite anyone we wanted to.  

I only thought of 2.5 people:

-Novee, my niece.

-Mr. Red.

-(and possibly) Izzy, my friend.

*I figured Novee, because she loves me and thinks highly of me.

*Mr. Red: Well because I like seeing him.  He means something to me. 

*Izzy, because she likes my voice and will still love me, in the end. 

When I asked Novee, she immediately asked if I was going to invite Mr. Red.  I told her it crossed my mind and I did text him:

Tuesday

4:09p: Out of curiosity, will you be back by the 20th (next Thursday)?

4:18p: Yes indeed.  What's up?

4:32p: I'm trying to decide if I want to tell/ask you or not....

6:40p: It's this small thing, that's kinda neat but lame.  I'll just talk to you about it when you get back. 

6:42p: Ok, I'll see ya when I get back ;)

So I thought I was off the hook, until he got back.  Well this morning I was reading about meditation & spirituality, Mr. Red came to mind, a lot.  He weighed heavy on my mind.  Then about a minute later I got this: 

11:22am: So any change of heart on the question? 

11:23am: I mean do you still wanna wait till I get back before you ask?

11:24am: I have another question first- do you ever feel like you can call people with your mind or know/feel when someone is thinking about you?

11:25am: Yes I do.  Totally happens.

11:26am: I've been reading about meditation & spirituality for the last half hour and you were on my mind....and then here you are texting. 

11:28am: Hahaha see! I figured it was something like that.  You popped in my head.

11:41am: So were you gonna ask me the original question or wait? ;)

Then he called me and we talked. 

I asked him.

And he said yes.

Wow... I'm just tripped out about the way he felt me, 

thinking about him.

-ESL. 

Tuesday, once more....

Yesterday I was BLESSED to talk with Mama McK.  I love this woman dearly.  I consider her a second Mom.  I've known her for years and didn't even know it.  She's my friends' Mom and I met her before, but was blessed last year when she and her husband served their mission in my ward.  Words cannot adequately describe the deep love and admiration I have for her.  I cherish the bond we have and miss our Tuesday afternoon chats.  It was so good to catch up with her because it's been a while and communication was lacking, on my part.  Papa & Mama McK will always have a special place in my heart, most especially Mama McK.  She's chastised me when I needed it, loved me in every moment and listened to my every word.   After we hung up yesterday,  my heart felt like it could burst.  I felt like their was a restoration of something good and wholesome again, in my heart.   I am eternally grateful to a loving and omniscient Heavenly Father who sent her to me, when I needed a warm & loving heart like hers. 

Upside.

3 things came to mind today....

1. To me, SUCCESS is the person that fails, but gets back up and tries again....and again...and again.  

2. I like having a blog that's diverse in feelings, emotions and experiences.  To paint a picture of only good things wouldn't be real. 

3. I LOVE living in San Diego!

Hiroshima.

It's not often when I feel like a complete failure. 
Tonight happens to be one of those nights.  
I can't sleep, my mind won't turn off and the water works won't stop....


Tonight, Joz & I were asked to sing at the adult session of Stake Conference.  It was a song we sang about 3 weeks ago in our ward, so it wasn't something new.  We practiced.  I practiced.  A LOT of practicing went on.  
But tonight, I didn't reflect that.    


My mind totally spaced on one of the words in the first verse.  
and to make matters worse...
I held the last note of the song for a half second instead of 4 seconds long.  


Not to mention that my mouth was unbelievably dry and I took breaths in the wrong spots.  (ie: in the middle of a word! WHO FRIGGIN DOES THAT?!?!)


As I was laying in my bed, my mind kept going over and over our musical number.  I have no idea what happened.  Well yeah I do.  I was so terribly nervous.  As I looked around the chapel, I was met with faces that were unfamiliar.  None of them were really friends that I had grown accustomed to, from my ward.  I didn't see my dear sweet Relief Society sisters.  Mr. Red wasn't there as he always is, when I sing or speak.  No one looked happy or warm or very friendly...which made me even more nervous.  


I've got to be up in about 3 hours, because stake choir has their last practice at 8:30am.  Part of me doesn't want to sing with them.  I just feel like such a failure, right now.  I'm so embarrassed.  I can't face my vocal teacher, who happens to be directing the choir.  We worked so hard on the song and I failed miserably.  I'm thankful to have Ras as my dear friend.  We were texting back and forth about this right now.  


I feel a lil better, but not much...  I hate failing when I KNOW that I could have (& should have) done so much better. I'm my own harshest critic. 

Movie...Marriage....Mmmm?

”We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness'." -Shall We Dance.






I have a lot on my mind. I have marriage weighing heavy on my thoughts.  I hung out and watched a movie with Mr. Red the other night.  He sent me home with a movie to watch.  It was a suspenseful movie about a husband who witnesses the murder of his wife.  There was a part in the movie when the husband reaches over to his wife's side of the bed. Upon noticing that it's cold, he realizes that she's been out of bed for a while.  It made me think and long for that.  Last night, I texted my friend FishLips and told him that I feel the most single (not married) at night and wondered if he ever felt the same.  He agreed. We went back and forth on this for a while. I told him that a bed feels too big without someone, near by.  Then he replied, "I just like knowing that I have a partner, a friend, someone who loves me nearby."  Ain't that the truth....
As I was writing in my journal this morning, I flipped by an entry of a movie quote that I love,
"But love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without.  I say, fall head over heels, find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back.  How do you find them? Well, you forget your head and you listen to your heart... Cause the truth is there's no sense living your life without this.  To make the journey and not fall deeply in love, well, you haven't lived a life at all.  But you have to try, cause if you haven't tried, you haven't lived." 

Oh Love.... I love you so much.  

No...

....I didn't watch General Conference. 
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've been asked if I watched General Conference this past weekend.
I chose not to watch it. 
"Why?", you may ask...

1. I have my agency.  
2. I usually fall asleep during Conference, which means I need to re-watch it anyways.
3. 8 hours of sitting does a number on me. [which usually goes back to #2]
4. It's a lot to take in at once, which means my retention is slim.
5. I rather study it in the Ensign so I can retain more.
6. .....and because I have my agency. 

It really stumps people when they ask, "Did you watch Conference?" and I respond with, "No, I didn't."  They're besides themselves.  Some just stare blankly.  Others dismiss it and think I'm joking.  

No, I wasn't joking.  

No, I don't like to sit for hours on end watching it.  

No, I don't care what others may think or how they may judge me.

and

No, I'm not going to hell because I chose not to watch General Conference.