Sunday.

Feeling a lil randi...

-I like the way my blog looks now. FINALLY.

-I'm glad Summer's right around the corner...and I'm UBER GLAD I lost weight since winter!! My cute board shorts that I bought 2 years ago will look GREAT! (cause they're super loose).

-I can't wait to go to the beach! I can't wait to hang with my family and close friends! I can't wait to take in the smells and delicious eats that come with going to the beach!! SO MUCH FUN!

-I'm tired of being single. I look at my friends with their families and get a lil envious. Maybe not the family part yet, because I'm around that all the time at home....but it's the part of having someone there. Someone to laugh with, someone to talk with...just someone. I miss having that in my life. I can see why God wanted Adam to have a mate, who would want to be alone? As I've been reading a friend of a friend's blog, I can't help but want what she has. No I'm not saying I'm gonna go 'SWF' on her or something....but just the way her and her husband mesh so perfectly well with each other. I notice that with other friends and their spouses. It makes me wonder if I'll ever find that one person I mesh perfectly well with. I know what my strengths and weakness are, what my pros/cons are as well... I'm not perfect, but I hope that Heavenly Father blesses me with someone that will still love me after I get worked up about the lil things and happy about the lamest things. I can only hope that 'the appropriate time' will come sooner than later. Maybe A LOT sooner than later...please Heavenly Father :)

-Today in Relief Society I sat across from Morgan's mom and sister. I wasn't paying much attention to the lesson because I just kept wondering what happened between Morgan and I. After his last email to me on Facebook which ended with, "Thank you for your time.", he de-friended me. Really? Who does that?? Oh well, we'll see what's up...

-I love living in San Diego. I truly do. I would never want to live anywhere else but here. I love the weather. I love the diversity. I love the location of everything being so close. I love the beach. I love just about everything about it. I feel so blessed to live here. I love it.

-I love Sunday naps...well hell, I love naps in general.

-I think I say "Hell" a lot. I think some people would be disturbed by that. Eh, I don't care.

-I'll be turning 30 in 4 months. 30, really??? Oh man, I'm not really looking forward to that. I like odd number birthdays anyways. I'm THANKFUL that my BFF Bugs and I will be spending our birthday weekend at:

...and I CANNOT WAIT!!! OH HOW I LOVE THE HOTEL DEL CORONADO!! It'll be a total girl fest! Chick flicks....Room service....shopping (not a whole lot because the Hotel Del is pretty pricey---so I guess I mean, "window shopping")...and my favorite: SPA TIME!!!! Massages & Pedis!! I CANNOT WAIT!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO US!!!

Better.

As the week went on, life got better. Of course the Meniere's didn't magically go away...but having a better nights' rest and praying DEFINITELY helped. I apologize for the 'mortality' scare my blog had last week. I didn't mean to scare anyone, I was just being honest with what life was feeling like for me.

I was released as the ward organist and Relief Society pianist today. I feel relieved. I'm so glad I'll be able to come to church and get to SING! I'll miss those callings, but I just need a break....for now. Nothing's wrong with that, even if certain people don't think you should EVER ask for a release. Screw that!

Anywhoo...today's Sunday. I slept a lot yesterday. I'd be worried about sleeping this much, but I did down 2 Midols and a nap was the only thing to relieve the dang cramps. Oh sometimes it's NOT fun being a woman. Do men ever have to go through junk like that? Oh I wish they did sometimes.

Alrighty, that's it......See ya!

"Hang in there"

Yesterday I hung out with one of my closest guy friends, PajamaPants. I love him dearly, he's one of my best friends. I'm grateful for friends that I can be extremely brutally honest with. I appreciate relationships like that, full of trust. I'm very glad I spent the evening with him because I felt calmer, happier, hopeful....more of my old self. It was good :) Thank you PJ.

Last night, I emailed my cousin who's a Psychologist/Therapist and asked if I could talk with her. Whatever this 'funk' is that I'm going through, I want it gone. Ending one's life is not the answer. It's a very selfish choice, I know. My cousin emailed me back this morning and at the end of her email she said, "Hang in there"....and I think that's what I've gotta do. Those are very hopeful words. I've been thinking a lot about what "hope" is. I can't be 100% optimistic, but I can be hopeful. I can hope that I'll be able to cope with this Meniere's. I can hope that life will turn up. I can hope to hang in there....and I think that's pretty good.

Hollow.

Sometimes I feel like a shell of a person I use to know before. I feel hollow and just going through the motions of life. I hate where my life has ended up, right now. For lack of a better word, I feel "bland". I never thought of myself as a bland person. This is a funk that I can't just shake off as easily as I'd like. Is this Depression? Hell if I know...but I hate it. This whole Meniere's crap has really taken a toll on me and my life. Somedays I dont want to get out of bed, but I have to...bills don't get paid on their own. Honestly, I just don't care about life anymore. I'm just done. This type of mentality sucks, but that's how I honestly feel.

Life & Reality

What's on my mind....

Last night was hard. This Meniere's is really kicking my trash. I went home and went straight to bed. Of course the 3.5 hours of sleep from the night before also aided me in that decision, but I just wanted to be in bed and listen to my iPod. I tried to fall asleep but I couldn't stay asleep. Then I hit my breaking point. Crying uncontrollably, so miserable from this constant noise in my left ear. I just wanted my head to explode--no really, I wouldn't have minded at all. The pressure of crying so hard, the pressure of a 'tired' migraine, the pressure of just trying to LIVE with this Meniere's CRAP...... I just broke!! I'm so blessed to have a sister as awesome as mine. I went to her room, sobbing, and she just listened to me. I was VERY brutally honest in what I had to say and what was going through my mind. It was a lot of life + reality. I felt better, a lil relieved to have someone know how I honestly feel about my life with Meniere's.

I'm just glad that today's Thursday....my nephew Bubba's flying in for the weekend and on Sunday we get to talk to my missionary nephew, Elder Lomu!! I'm so stoked!

Whoa is me Wednesday.

Today was a definite "CALGON TAKE ME AWAY"day!!!!!!

My docking station at work for my iPod DIED.... I don't know what happened to it, but it wouldn't work. So AAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY it was annoyingly QUIET!!!!!!! I can't function without music.

Without the background music, AAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL DDDDDDAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY I could hear my left ear "whooshing"....LOUDLY!!!!

I would really like to rip my ear drum out.... I could care less if I could hear out of my left ear anymore. I'm so sick and tired of the damn "whooshing" in my left ear...as well as the ringing in my right ear. I hate the way this Meniere's Disease is taking over my life.

The 5.3.10 Blog

Saturday I got out of bed around noon....drove to Pizza Hut to pick up breakfast (while in my PJ's), came home & ate a slice. Then took a nap.... Saturday was pretty uneventful. Although I did hang out with my niece which ended up being very fun!! Etch-a-Sketch wars are pretty great!

Sunday I got out of bed and went to church. Honestly didn't want to be there. I wasn't feeling well. My body hurt and just sitting was uncomfortable. Ended up spending the afternoon with Bugs, watching "Return to Me" & "27 Dresses". It was nice and I even started on my mission scrapbook. I'm scared....I've got a whole tote bag as well as 2 photo albums full of photos to deal with. This just might take 18 months to do!

Today I got out of bed and read the newspaper. It was nice to just relax instead of RUSHING out the door to greet the work week. I think I might just do that from now on....