Lately, I've had this great desire and longing to hold a baby. I have no idea where it's exactly coming from?! I guess since BabyChleo isn't a baby any longer, I'm going through withdrawals.. Most of my friends kids are now toddlers. As I was going through some old photos today, I came acoss this lil gem of my niece. She was such a beautiful baby! I always imagined that my babies would someday look like her. Just like her brothers, she smelled so deliciously cute, as a baby!! Maybe I feel my biological clock ticking away? I would love to be a Mom. I would love to experience pregnancy and the wonder of life growing within. Oh how I would enjoy every moment of looking into my baby's sweet face and know that they're mine, forever....that they're both me and my husband, combined. I imagine all the songs I would sing, as I rocked them to sleep. Oh I miss the sweet aroma of a baby!! Man...... I really, really, really, want to hold a baby.
*Sometimes, I think I live like a nomad. Since I've been home from my mission, 8 years ago, I feel like I'm always on the move. Because of that, I haven't had the biggest need for a TV. I don't watch it much, and in fact, I don't even own one. Nor do I have the internet, right now. I mean, I have it through my phone, but it's not the biggest necessity to me. I kinda like not needing a whole lot of media in my life. Oh yeah, and I still have to find the code for my car radio. Til I do, I listen to Pandora on my phone. I think I live under a rock when it comes to tv, movies & music. Eh, I'm ok with that.
*Since last Tuesday, Sonny asked me 4 times if I was going to go to the ward Softball game this past Tuesday. OF COURSE, I was going to go....most especially since he asked me!! :) So glad I went! A group of us went to eat afterwards and I just happened to score the seat in front of him. My gosh, I like his face!! Seriously, I like watching him speak, because I enjoy watching the way his mouth moves. Not to mention how I'm a SUCKER for blue eyes!! Oh man, I'm in heaven every time I see this man. SWOOOOON!!! He's such a funny guy, oh he makes me laugh! He was a lot more talkative than last Tuesday, which was great because I was in total introvert mode. He was even a lil cocky at one point and that was a nice lil change up. Yes, I really really like this guy. Uzzzzzzz.
*I'm lovin' this song! Oh the lyrics couldn't ring more true, right now.
*Hermanita will be home in less than a month!! LESS. THAN. A MONTH.!!!! I cannot wait!!!! She is such an AWESOME friend and I couldn't be more pleased to have her here, from her mission! To be able to talk with her face to face for hours on end!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
*I haven't been blogging much lately, due to lack of internet. I've been writing a lot more in my journal again. Oh I love it! I've missed writing in a journal! I love thinking of how much it could mean to my posterity, someday. I would have loved to have read a journal from my ancestors, or even my own Tutu (grandmother).
*Father's Day was lovely. I had a great time with my Dad and family. I pulled out some old photos and the kids really enjoyed looking at pictures of them as babies and toddlers! Time surely flies!! I appreciate my Dad and all that he's done and continues to do for me. In the last couple years, I've become more sensitive to those without fathers, whatever the reason may be. I know I won't have too many more years with him, so I need to appreciate every moment I get to spend with him. I found this photo amongst old books. Oh my Dad was quite a looker! I see a lot of resemblances between me and him. I know one thing's for sure, we're both pretty "tenacious" [read: hard headed]. I'm ok with that, just goes to show how much we're really related. Oh I love him.
Yeah, so I kinda got overwhelmed and had a V [vent] session on my blog, in my last post. I was really bummed about it, but I shouldn't have been. I'm grateful for my friends and their encouraging comments! Maybe this is why I worked at an attorney service for so long, so it could help me not feel so inferior to such individuals.
After my last blogged, I turned to LDS.org and found an awesome talk on, "Overcoming Feelings of Inadequacy". My favorite quote was this...
"We ignore or downplay our strengths and abilities, just at the time we should be recognizing and applying them."
It's true. I was comparing my weaknesses to another's strengths....not fair! So I need to NEVER do that again, stop shortchanging myself...because after all, I am pretty awesome and I am pretty blessed.
I was at my cousin's house today and we got to talking about Sonny. My cousin's in his Dad's ward, so he knows Sonny's family. He was giving me a lil run down about them. Of course, he said that they're all really nice but I wasn't ready for him to tell me that they're ALLlawyers!!! All of them, even his Dad!!! All his siblings and all of their spouses!
WTF.
And they're all pretty athletic and over six feet tall.
I'm brown, round and short. I can't like someone like Sonny, I can't compare with stats like that. I would never want to meet a family like that. I'd feel so inadequate. It's bad enough that I already feel inferior to Sonny because he's an extraordinary athlete and he's just so dang good looking! How could he even bring someone home like me?
Yeah, so maybe I'm freaking out over nothing, but man, I just feel so intimidated and inadequate. What does someone like me really have to offer to someone like him? or anyone for that matter?
Today has been quite a TERRIFIC Tuesday!! I started off the day talking to Mama McK! Oh my heart swells with love for that woman!! I miss her dearly and always look forward to any chance I hear from her. She is truly heaven sent for my life. I had Softball practice tonight and thought it was gonna be ok. Well, it sucked at first because I felt like I was shagging balls the whole time. I was just growing aggravated by the second. Tat and Darci weren't there and I was stuck with one of my loud, obnoxious friends. I just wanted a friend there because I felt lame. I barely made eye contact with Sonny. I kinda kept my distance and I just had it with him mispronouncing my name (It's A-Who, not E-Who), so I finally told him my "knock knock" joke. He knew that I wasn't all too please with him and I felt kinda bad that he could sense it. Practice got a lot better once Darci showed up. Afterwards, as Tat, Darci and I were walking to the car, I told her that I thought we were going to go eat. She whipped around and started running towards Sonny's car. She ran to invite him, for me. Can I just say, how much my heart swelled with love and appreciation for her?! We were talking with Sonny right after practice, and I was too nervous and bashful to even look in his direction. {Softball tends to humble me, plus with all of his positive encouragement and optimism, how could I really be upset with him?? Besides, he is SO DANG CUTE!!!} So off we went to In-n-Out.... Dang Tat got lost twice and I was getting worried by the second that Sonny would end up taking off. When we finally got there, he was already eating. (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!) Luckily, he stuck around and talked with us while we ate. Yeah, it basically looked like a double date. I LOOOOOOOOOOOVED talking with Sam. It was just nice to be in a relaxed atmosphere. Somewhere where I didn't feel inferior to him. He's a really funny guy and, as always, I love watching the way his mouth moves when he speaks. I found out a lil more about him. He's so extremely patient and that just makes me like him even more. We talked about Sunday and he even asked if my FB status was about him. I felt terrible, but I answered him honestly and said it was him and a couple other people. We talked about other stuff as well, but my ALL TIME favorite part from this evening, is when it turned into "Show & Tell". His arms are MASSIVE!!!!!! I even asked him to flex and oh my heavens, I was in heaven!!! I went to touch it and it was just HUGE!!!!!!! Seriously, I've never seen, nor touched a bicep bigger than that!!! He even let me punch him in the arm. Yeah... and that's when the girly girl Ehu suddenly appeared!!! It's VERY RARE when that side of me comes out, in fact, I hardly show that side to friends. I was so timid and shy to punch his arm and didn't want to hurt him {of course I wasn't going to hurt him at all, his arm was a rock!!!!} In fact, my fist stung a little after I punched him. Seriously, I couldn't stop touching him....this man's body is rockin'!! I even got to hug him and I liked the way I felt (kinda) little against his rock hard chest.
SWOON!!!
We discussed Sunday's events and his "intense face". He promised to have a huge cheesy smile for me whenever he sees me at church. I liked the fact that he was impressed that I served a mission.
I just might enjoy attending this ward, after all.... :)
Yesterday, I took my friend Darci to church. As always, it's nice to have a friend to sit with at church. Since we both play on the same Softball team with Sonny, she wanted to go over and talk to him (to give him a hard time for a bruise that happened at our last practice.) I wasn't really in the mood to talk to him because I was still embarrassed from our game, the day before. However, I did need to talk to him in regards to next week's Family Home Evening, since we'll be playing Softball. {I just can't escape this game! I'm gonna improve one way or another!} He started to stand up as I was trying to tap on his back....which ended up inches above his butt. He turned around and looked extremely pissed. I started to regret tapping him...or even being near him, for that matter. I tried to keep it short and asked if I could talk to him after church. He mumbled something in agreement and walked away. I felt stupid for even bothering him, but yet I couldn't help but wonder why he looked so annoyed. Darci said that others around him also looked annoyed. Really?? Annoyed at church...what's up?! I couldn't shake the thought during Sunday School, so I turned to Facebook and changed my status to:
"I wonder why some people look and act annoyed, at church :("
Maybe I've become extra sensitive now, since I like Sonny. After church, as I was walking out of the women's restroom, (Darci was in front of me, and Ame was still at the mirror) I turned and saw Sonny at the end of the hallway. I tried to sneak back into the restroom. I didn't want to talk to him anymore, not at all! I couldn't sneak back fast enough and he called out for me. I was timid and could barely even hear my voice. I just wanted to be anywhere but in that hallway. I tried to make it quick, but it wasn't working. However, he maintained eye contact a lil more than usual. I was practically eye to eye with him, since I was wearing wedges. It ended up being a decent conversation and he was nice again. At one point, when I changed the topic from FHE to our Softball team, I grabbed his arm {bicep}. Oh I LOVE LOVE LOVE it when you touch a guy's arm, and then they flex a split second later! I can't help but chuckle because I always feel the difference between a flexed and unflexed arm. So obvious!! Well, Sonny happened to do that and MAN OH MAN, his arm was so big!!! I mean, it was big already, but once he flexed it, it was HUGE!!! And SO defined!!! My face was so warm, and I'm sure I turned red!! Oh my gosh, he suddenly got a million times hotter!! I have no idea how I finished that conversation because my mind was racing and thinking how hot this man is!!
On the drive home, Darci told me that she commented on my FB status as well as someone else....
"Sorry Ehu, it was probably me. I always look intense when I'm at church. But I normally have good intentions. :)"
It was from Sonny. I kinda felt bad that he caught that, because I didn't think he read things on my FB. Yikes. But I'm glad he felt the need to apologize. We'll see if I talk to him again at church. I really don't want a repeat of his "intense" look again. I just wish I knew him better. With that said, I'll be seeing him tomorrow at Softball. Wish me luck.
((Ok.....now for my friend Ame....))
I went on a date last night (Sunday night). It was with this guy I've been talking to. We'll call him Pokemon. Well he told me he was a nerd, but I didn't realize how literal he meant it. Just because he's into comics, Sci-Fi movies, Comic-Con, & Halo, didn't exactly mean that he was a nerd, right? Wrong. That's basically his whole life. In fact, he's already planning his Pokemon Trainer/Ash Ketchum costume!! He was so proud of the Pokemon catcher he made, that he brought it to our date, last night. Oh, have I mentioned that he's 26 years old and never been kissed!! He wasn't exactly my type...no I take that back, he wasn't my type at all. I couldn't turn down his request of a date, I would have felt terrible. Well, I had to push the date back by a half hour and figured I'd go ahead and eat dinner (thinking he'd do the same, since it was past the dinner hour). Well, he didn't eat, so while we were at the Coronado Ferry Landing, he went ahead and bought himself some food. I thought it was a lil rude that he didn't offer to at least buy me a drink, when I insisted that he eat, even though I wasn't going to. Was I wrong to think that? Nor did he offer to let me taste it. Maybe it's just me, but I would have offered it to him, if the roles were reversed. His jokes were LAME!!! I couldn't pity laugh anymore, I was socially exhausted. He told me he was nervous, but I tried to put him at ease. While he was ordering his food, I looked around and saw a movie poster for, Goodfellas. I asked if he'd ever seen it and he quickly said, no. Then with a self righteous tone, he asked me if I'd ever seen, Deep Space Nine. I said, "no", and he snapped back saying, "See, same difference!!" I was beyond myself....who the hell acts like that?! I was just trying to make conversation. It was obvious that he was socially awkward and it was going to be an odd night. The only thing that kept me sane on this date, was thinking of Sonny's arm, from earlier in the day. It was like pulling teeth trying to talk to him. On the phone, it was great, but in person, it SUCKED!!! No personality at all. I feel sorry for the guy. I think he needs a Hitch in his life, someone to coach him a lil about the ins and outs of dating & women. He was kinda nice, but just very inexperienced, he was like a boy in a man's body. I hope he gets kissed soon....26 and a VL....poor guy.
That's what I kept telling myself over and over and over today during my Softball game. It was the only thing I could really do to hold back the tears of frustration. I just feel like the weakest link on my team. I kept thinking of how I could possibly tell Sonny that it might be best if I ask my nephew to play the rest of the season for me.
When I last spoke with Swiss, he was asking me which type of challenge I would prefer; physical or mental. He likes mental challenges, whereas I would opt for the physical one. I know what I look like, I know my body type, so I would much rather prove someone wrong for thinking that I couldn't handle something physical. Who knew that I would be eating my words shortly after that conversation.
I just get so damn nervous on the playing field that I literally can't think straight. I feel like I'm just an embarrassment to the rest of my team. I HATE being the weakest link. While I was playing catcher during the last inning, I was at the pinnacle of frustration. When the umpire finally called 'game', I just wanted to grab my stuff and leave....there was no way I could hold back the tears anymore. I stuck around for Sonny's pep talk and then darted for Tat's car. I felt a lil bad for leaving Tat behind, but when he asked why I was walking away so quickly, I told him I didn't want to cry in front of the rest of the team. Some people punch a wall, others walk it off...for me, it comes out through tears. Why did I sign up for this? I guess because every other time I've played Softball, it's been FUN and amongst a wonderful comfort zone of friends!
I want to quit, but I don't want to be a "quitter". I know I need to suck it up and try harder...or try something...but just TRY. I don't care what Yoda says, sometimes one has to TRY in order to DO.
I'm pretty in love with this song right now....and this artist {James Morrison}
Tonight we had softball practice. I feel a tiny bit more confident. Can I just say how much I really dig Sonny?! Seriously, he is so patient and optimistic. I'm so hard on myself, and he was just so nice about all of my downfalls with softball. Sometimes I feel bad for him because he's such a great athlete that I wonder what goes through his mind with the rest of us. Most of us aren't at his level. While we were practicing, he was throwing the ball to us so we could be better at pop flies. He could throw the ball harder, faster, higher, and farther than most of us could even try HITTING the ball!!!! He's so intense, but he's kind about it....not at all cocky, even though he's talented enough to be. I love love love the way he looks when he's speaking. I could just watch him all day. He has this cute little weird thing that goes on with his lips when he talks. But I can never understand why he never keeps eye contact. His eyes dart all over the place, like a nervous tick or something. I like his little awkwardnesses, it just makes him so much more cuter. My friends say that I should ask him to hang out sometime, but I wouldn't want to make it weird or anything for the season. Besides, he could have any girl, why exactly would he say yes to me? Playing softball with him, makes me feel so out of my comfort zone. Trying to catch the ball is scary and my batting isn't exactly great, and please don't even get me started on the running part--that part's just horrible. I have no idea why I signed up to play. I mean, I love to bat, but that's as far as it goes. I mean, this guy is awesome at it and I just suck. But the more I'm around him, I notice how much more amazing he is as a person. I admire his gentle nature and kindness. It's so refreshing and reassuring as I stumble around the baseball diamond. At the same time, I clam up when we're off the field. I just feel like he sees me like such an imbecile because I can't play well. Ugh..... this is gonna be a looooooooooooooong season. It's like I have a love/hate relationship playing softball, with him.
Yesterday was my parents' 50th anniversary. We went to South Bay Fish & Grill to celebrate it. I liked the idea of eating seafood on the harbor. Makes me think of last Sunday's date with Swiss. Oh Swiss.... I was suppose to see him today, but was with family instead. Our next date will be at the airport. I know...THE AIRPORT!!! I'm excited because I really like the airport here in San Diego! It just makes me so happy to see. It's quite the beauty! I think the airport is under appreciated because most people are rushing around and are too busy to notice how great of a place it is. I've always wanted to have a date there because I never really get to eat there. I also I like watching people. Have you ever noticed how happy some people are there? I love flying in to San Diego because even after I've gone somewhere else, I get to come home to SAN DIEGO!!!! America's Finest City! I LOVE IT HERE!!
Yesterday was also our first softball game. Oh man.... I somehow need to lose 100 lbs. by our next game. Man oh man, I am NOT a runner. I need to be. I also need to be better at batting. I mean, Tat and I went to the batting cages the night before and I totally rocked it! But man, the next day, I SUUUUUUUCKED!!!! Seriously, I couldn't hit the ball to save my life. What the heck?!?! Ugh..... I was nervous as heck!!! My heartbeat was racing and practically pounding through my chest!!!! I can just kiss Sonny {formerly known as, "Iam"} goodbye. Seriously. I was a pathetic excuse of a player yesterday. I feel VERY humbled because I was totally out of my element. I was scared of the ball. I was hit during church softball once, so I've been traumatized ever since. But still... I'm pretty sure Sonny thinks I'm a complete idiot. I couldn't really face him at church today. I doubt I'll be talking to him much outside of softball now. By the way, our team name is, "The Dirty Pickles". Not really my favorite. I submitted the name, "Pitch Slap" because I can't help but chuckle every time I hear it. :) As for the rest of the team, I totally like them all. They're all chill and GREAT players! I think I'm the weakest link. :(
Today at church, I was a lil bummed. Happy to have my friend Ame back but sad that Vans wasn't there. He moved out of the ward last week. He was my first friend in the ward and reminded me of Mr. Red and all of our times of hangin' out at church together. I'm bummed but I know he'll be happier in his new ward. I'm oh so grateful to have Ame back in town. She's such a cool, chill chick!!
I was reading Mosiah 25-28 {Book of Mormon} today during Sacrament Meeting and thoroughly enjoying it. I haven't studied from the BOM in a long time and in the last blessing I received from my awesome Home Teacher, I was advised to read the scriptures more and pray a lot more. I can't wait to read more from Mosiah and start Alma. I know I didn't exactly start reading the BOM from the beginning, but let's just be grateful I'm reading it again. I can't help but feel like I need to make some course corrections in my life. I'm so thankful for the opportunity I had to read the scriptures. I NEED to start doing that more often. A LOT more often.
