Tuesday, August 15, 2017

11 sleeps.

Sometimes, I wish I could go back to this night, 11 days ago. It was a wonderful, splendid evening. We were a bit crowded in my sister's backyard which made it even more cozy and intimate. I loved having so many loved ones in one space.
It was simple but it had good music and good food with great people, which is all I wanted. 

I love summer night dinner parties. But I loved this summer night dinner party the best.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

The ride home tonight.

On the way home tonight, from visiting with my sister and niece, I broke down crying. I didn't cry much today and thought it was successful that I only cried once until the ride home.
It's still hard for me to drive through IB without thinking of where I used to live with them about 4 years ago and where they lived up until last year. It made me miss them as we passed that neighborhood and it made me think of my Dad. Slowly the water works started to happen. A few freeway exits later, I was full on sobbing. I told Levi that I don't think my heart will ever fully heal from this. I think my heart will forever feel like a chunk is missing. Some say that time heals wounds but I just don't feel like all the time in the world will heal this. It's only been about 1.5 days and it already feels like a very long time. I'm only 36 years old and I've got a very long time before I'll see him again. I can't wrap my head around it and my heart can't handle this separation. I want to talk to him. I want to hear his voice in return. I hate this. I hate this so much. I try to think of how I dealt with this when my Kuku & Tutu passed away 15 & 14 years ago. I miss hearing their voices. I miss conversing with them.  
I'm selfish because I just want my Dad here. I look at old photos and I wish I could have my Dad stand next to me again. I just want to hear his voice say my name again. 
As we were sharing stories at my sister's tonight, I just couldn't believe I forgot about my time spent with him on Friday (August 4). When I went into his room, after our road trip out to Vegas, he reached for my hand and slowly brought it up to his mouth. He kissed the back of my hand. I honestly don't remember much of my brief moment with him because I was sleep deprived and longing for a nap. 
Part of me wants to kick myself for not spending more time with him that day.  The more I think about it, I get angry at myself for all those missed opportunities. Then it makes me sad. It's such a vicious cycle when you're grieving. 
I feel like I've rubbed my face raw from the continuous crying. I just can't imagine this world without my Dad in it. I'm grateful I have an eternity with him. I'm going to need it. 

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

My Dad.

I just want the world to stop with me for a day or two. I just want to look at photos of my Dad. I want to listen to all of the voicemails I have saved on my phone. I want to share all of my most treasured stories and memories of him. I want to hear his voice again. My eyes and face are so red and swollen from crying all day.  I'm so sleepy but I can't sleep. The first few seconds upon waking up are blissful because I forget the pain for just a moment. Then it hits me, like a ton of bricks. All over again, it hits me hard like the air is knocked out of me completely. I've sobbed so many times during the day today and I know I am not done crying.  I've never experienced heartache and loss like this before. It is the worst pain and emptiness I have ever felt. 
I miss my Dad. My heart is trying to understand what my mind knows of the eternal plan of my Heavenly Father. For now, I am selfish and I want to hold my Dad again, right now. I wish I could hear my Dad's voice reassure me at this time. 
I just hope that my Dad knows how much I will always love him. 

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

3 Sleeps.

In 2 days, we'll be going to the San Diego LDS temple to be sealed. TWO DAYS!! My mind is constantly thinking of what we need to accomplish within the next two days. Sometimes I have to take a step back to remember what's most important. I don't feel stressed (yet?) because my awesome sister and best friend have been so tremendously helpful with planning and executing our dinner party. 
I'm looking forward to the temple and feeling the spiritual peace and safe shelter from the busyness and craziness of this world. I long to be there again with my sweetheart, to take it all in again. I feel like life slows down a bit there and I seriously crave that. 
I don't know if I'd say that I'm nervous for our sealing. Most new experiences would make me extremely nervous but for now, I feel relatively calm. Perhaps I will feel a tinge of sadness because my parents won't be in attendance. I wish with all my heart that they could attend but traveling would take a lot out of them. I owe so much to my parents and for all that they've taught me about the temple. Their love and dedication to temple service was engrained in me while I was a child and through my teenage years. 
Most of all, I owe it to my sweetheart. Embracing this gospel and being baptized into this Mormon religion & culture has been a tremendous adventure. I appreciate his faith and diligence to help give me eternity with him. I can't think of any better way to celebrate our wedding anniversary than to be sealed for time and all eternity, surrounded by our closest and dearest loved ones. 
I just can't believe it, I'm actually going to be sealed in the temple! I thought for sure this blessing wouldn't come until I had passed on. Thank you Levi for loving me so much to do this for us and our future family. I love you sweetheart.

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

How is it July already?!?

It's now LESS THAN A MONTH until Levi and I will be sealed in the temple! Seriously..... Wasn't it just May?! 
I'm suddenly feeling very panicked and anxious because I need to pull all the details of our dinner party together, ASAP!!! Seriously, I almost want to freak out because on top of it all, I'll still need to pack for our second honeymoon afterwards. Arrggg..... I can't stand packing!!
I haven't blogged since Mother's Day. Where in the world did June disappear to?!?? 
Had a few doctor appointments in early May. I made a pact with my doctor that I'd start working out. Went to the gym that night and didn't stop going until last week (hurt my shoulder). I've seriously enjoyed the gym so much!! I especially enjoy it with my sweetheart! I bought myself a new Fitbit and picked one up for Levi too! It's been a lot of fun! 
The highs: I was able to watch The Godfather in theaters! Seriously so cool! 
The lows: BiggieSmalls the snail died. I miss that little guy in my fish tank! I need to pick up another snail soon. 
I'm glad I was able to see so many old friends, my in-laws and most especially my nephew Bubba & his wife Sis! I'm glad June was a month of reconnecting and seeing some of my old friends & favorite peeps. 
What's in store for July? 
-A LOT more gym time!!! In a month, I'm already down 10 pounds. 
-Creating the decorations for our dinner party. 
-Levi & his temple endowment! Such exciting times, for sure!!

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Mother's Day.

didn't realize till this morning that the 3 photos I have saved in my jewelry box are of those women who helped get me here. I love this photo of my Mom and I that I recently found.
I wonder what must have been going through my Mom's mind and heart, in this photo.
The second is maternal grandmother, my Tutu.
It's been 14 years since she passed and I wish I could have at least 5 minutes just to hug her and hear her voice again. 
The last photo is my paternal grandmother, Grandma Salote. 
 I never met her in this life and it's hard to remember her voice during our long distance phone calls when I was a kid.
Church was nice, today. As always, my favorite part is when the Primary children sing. At the end of Sacrament meeting, the youth passed out flowers to all the women.
That's always so thoughtful. For the first time ever, we had a brunch for the Relief Society hour. It was so very nice! 

 I'm thankful for the time I've had today to reflect upon those good women in my life who are mothers to me, both genetically, figuratively & through their examples. 

Monday, May 8, 2017


I had a brief moment tonight of seeing my baby's face. I don't know if it was a boy or a girl but they had the most beautiful, soft, light brown skin. Their cheeks were perfectly heavenly. I could see all of their face and their eyes looked up at me with so much love.  My heart stopped for a brief moment in this wonderment and it made me hopeful and very desirous.
I looked at my husband and more than ever before, I wanted a baby. My heart wanted to burst with every emotion possible. Every single cell in my body longed for, needed, wanted, hoped and desired to become pregnant someday soon. I had never wanted anything more than that sweet baby I caught a glimpse of.

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