Friendship and Grief.

About an hour ago, my best friend texted me.  I completely missed her text from Saturday.  I had A LOT going on, on Saturday, between some serious family stuff, setting up a virtual meeting for the women at church and talking with a long distant aunt.  I saw a text from her come in that afternoon, after we had texted earlier that morning. I didn't get a chance to read it and had completely forgotten all about it.
The text an hour ago delivered the outcome of Saturday's missed text; the devastating news of her Dad's passing.
I wanted to be as gentle and kind to her, as she was for me when my own Dad passed about 3 years ago.  There's no way I could ever be as tender as her; she is the epitome of empathy.  I think I'm the friend you come to when you want a good laugh, a pleasant distraction. Of course I wasn't cracking any jokes, but I just wanted to distract her away from the bottomless pit of grief she was feeling in that very moment. How do you console the most empathetic person you know?  Do as they do?  Say what you would want to have said to you, if roles were reversed?
I. Don't. Exactly. Know.
This made me think of how I need to more compassionate.  We could all improve on that, right?  I just hope that maybe, just maybe, she felt some compassion or understanding from me.  If anything, I'd like her to know that I understand some of the emotions she may be experiencing right now and in the days and weeks ahead.  Maybe my compassion just comes in the form of suggesting lotion-infused tissue and eye masks to help with the puffy eyes that comes with grieving...or the recommendation of sleep and food as they can help someone feel a little more human when you feel like a robot going through the motions because your mind, body and heart seem disconnected and stunned beyond belief.
My friend, my dear sweet friend of my heart...please know how much I love you and would gladly and resolutely shoulder this pain with you if it meant that your heart could feel a little less heavy as you navigate through this new normal.  I love you.

My soul delights!

Sometimes, there are certain events in my life that make me feel like this...

 

...one of those events is whenever I get to talk to my very best friend, MamaSteph.  I love when the stars and planets align and we have the opportunity to talk...on the phone....and hear each others voices.  Oh I love her dearly.  I know I'm blessed by my Heavenly Father just because of certain people that he's placed in my life.  She is one of those tender mercies in my life.  I crave our phone calls because for a moment, the many miles between us disappear and it seems like no time at all has come between us.  In a couple months, it'll mark 8 years since we last saw each other, in person.  What I would give just to have an hour in person and laugh like we always do. 

I wish I could put my finger on the one thing that makes her friendship so beautiful and priceless.  She has a heart of gold and I never feel judged by the many things I have told her over the years.  She listens to me ramble and occasionally throw in a joke or two.  I know I am blessed to have her in my life.

If there's anything I could take away from our friendship, it is the hope that I can be a friend to others as she has been to me. 

Mama Stephy!

Tonight, I got to talk to one of my most dearest friends.  Oh how I love Mama Stephy!  It's not often when we get to talk on the phone because she has three youngins and there's about a 3 hour difference between us.  

However, when we do get to talk it's just so spectacular! I love laughing with her. I love the wit and wisdom she brings to our friendship.  Tonight's conversation turned to children and babies.  It was such a beautiful conversation about what delivery is like and the love that floods a delivery room.   It makes me so excited for motherhood, someday.  I definitely need to write this conversation in my journal tonight.
Although we haven't seen each other in more than 7 years, it doesn't feel like our friendship has changed or drifted apart.  I'm so grateful to still have her in my life. I couldn't be more thankful for a loving Heavenly Father to bring her into my life over 13 years ago.  

About blogging & friendships...

I really dislike the fact that I don't blog as often as I'd like to. I like blogging because I always feel like a good way to keep in touch with long distant loved ones. I know the biggest turn off I have with blogging is that estranged relatives continue to read my blog. I don't get it but maybe it gives them stuff to later badger me with... Lame.

Anyways, I have so much to blog about but at the same time, I'm trying to journal more. I guess you could say that I'm trying to find a nice balance. 

In the mean while.... Let's see what I've got.

Yesterday, after a very touching funeral, I went out to lunch with Hermanita. I love anytime I get to be friends with her in real life. I wish I could see all my dear close friends in person, all the time. I miss human interaction. I think social media is such a fake crutch for friendships. I love hearing and seeing friends, whenever possible. Lunch out with her was just a so great! I love girl talk! It's always so fun to hear what's going on in their lives. 

Plus, when there's delicious food and especially tasty cheesecake, it makes it even better! What a fun afternoon!

I can't believe it's already Sunday night. I'm not a big fan of Sunday night, a.k.a. Monday eve. Although, I'll be hanging out with my friend Odin and going to FHE tomorrow at my old ward. 

I think the thing that makes me a lil nervous about tomorrow is that I'm taking Odin to my old singles ward. There's a couple people that I'd like to steer clear of because they gossip. Here's the thing...I've known Odin since we were like 7 years old. We've always JUST been friends, NOTHING more. He's a cool guy and in this day and age, how often are people still friends with their childhood friends and can actually see them in real life? I'm lucky I can count on both hands the amount of childhood friends I still have in my life and city. Blessed, I tell ya! Well, I've also been extremely fortunate to have a very loving and trusting husband that knows I would never do anything to jeopardize his trust and our marriage. I'm glad he loves me so much to understand that friends mean a lot to me, no matter what the gender. Besides, when it comes down to male friends, I've made sure to introduce Levi to all of them that I ever plan on hanging out with. I would never want him to feel uncomfortable, at all. 

I know a couple friends have thought it to be weird if I ever hang out with male friends. I can understand their hesitancy due to some LDS standards. What it comes down to is trust and honesty. 

I hate having to explain myself. I would think that if people REALLY know me, there'd be no discussion at all. End of story. 

Well it's late and I need to get some sleep. Plus this Bruddah Iz iHeart radio station is starting to work its magic, I'm relaxed and definitely ready for bed. 

Late Thursday.

*I'm so truly grateful for the kind friends and loved ones who have encircled me with an abundance of love and understanding, this week.  Man, I feel like a million bucks! My loved ones are the greatest and in turn it makes me want to be a better friend & kinder person to everyone.

*This week has been such a doozy.  I can't wait for this weekend! My 2 oldest nephews will be visiting! It's been so long!! All my nephews and niece, in one place.  This makes my heart happy

*I don't have a lot to blog about, tonight.  

*I'm excited to celebrate Hermanita's birthday tomorrow.  Man, I'm constantly reminded of the wonderful souls I have in my life that truly bless my life in more ways than one.  

*THREE of my friends had babies this week!  WOW!! Crazy exciting! I love them all and wish I could visit all of them and snuggle their babies.

*I had a dream of Tina, Chuy & Chuy's nephew, last night.  It was weird to dream about a baby.  When I told Tina & Chuy my dream, they both said I was next to have a baby.  Uh....we'll see about that.  Oh how I love sleep so much!

*Speakin of which... I better hit the hay!  Peace out!

My friend, Mr Red.

A couple months ago, Mr. Red and I had lunch in Coronado, during his last week in the military.  It was a very pleasant lunching experience and the food was quite enjoyable.  It was probably going to be the last time we'd see each other, before he left San Diego to go on a walkabout. 
So it's been a couple months since I've seen him and I think I waited to post this so I wouldn't be so emotional. I grew up with the luxury of never having to say good-bye to close friends.  I never moved, nor did my friends.  It was a beautiful comfort of life that I didn't fully appreciate until I became an adult.  Thankfully, the internet, skype and free long distance keeps those friendships alive. However, I still wish I could take all my dear loved ones and live on a island compound.  Creepy...but oh so convenient! :)
Mr. Red was one of my closest friends, for a season.  Never seeing my in-town best friend, meant having to confide life's curve balls in someone else....thank God for Mr. Red.  I truly have thanked my Heavenly Father for my very dear friend Mr. Red.  He's helped me have a bigger, brighter perspective to life, learning and religion.  He helped me ponder things a little deeper and expand my view of so many things.   
I miss my friend, A LOT.  I miss our walks around Imperial Beach.  I miss our talks about religion, books, movies, sex, tattoos, food, death, alcohol, family, meditation, friends....  I also miss just sitting in silence and pondering the ideas he'd throw at me.  All in all, I miss the comfort of having this friend, nearby.  Communication has been a lil limited since he left.  A couple weeks ago, I was so grateful to hear his voice as we talked about a lil dilemma I had. 
The best thing he brought to my life was to "let go".  With my over-worrying personality, it can get the best of me.  One night, after a family dinner and a spat with my oldest nephew, we walked & talked.  I needed to "let go", I couldn't control everything and that was consuming my mental & emotional state.  What it came down to, is that I had to remember that "Nothing's f*cked here."  I didn't need to stress and worry about every little thing, because 90% of the things we worry about won't happen.  That December night, on a neighborhood street corner, I needed to learn how to be "less involved."  I haven't perfected that yet, but I think it's definitely helped my blood pressure.  Life's a lot less stressful....I like it. 
Thankfully, as he's been on this walkabout, he's been keeping a blog.  I thoroughly enjoy reading it .  {I'd highly suggest you check it out!}  Who in the world walks city to city, with their dog, Odysseus, camping under the stars, meeting so many new & interesting people, making the most of life?
My friend, Pendleton.  

Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow.

YESTERDAY:  Levi and I had dinner and ate TONS of crab legs.  My mouth is watering just thinking of all the crab legs we had for dinner.  It was scrumptious!!!!  Especially when paired with BBQ pork ribs! LOVE IT!!  

TODAY:  I was able to talk with my very best friend MamaSteph.  I miss her so much!! It's been 5 years since we've seen each other.  

FAR.  TOO.  LONG.

I can't wait til we're hanging out again, like real friends do.  I miss seeing her facial expressions, while she laughs and most especially watching her hands as she tells her stories.  I miss her completely and terribly!  

I also got to spend time with Mr. Red today.  I am going to miss him so much, but I'll blog about that later...

TOMORROW:  I can't wait to see Levi.  We're going to the drive-in to watch The Croods & G.I. Joe.  I seriously LOVE the drive in!!  I think I'm more infatuated with being able to talk during a movie and not disturbing anyone....except Levi.  Oh how I fall more and more in love with him.  

Love Month!

Can I just say how much I love Valentines Day?  Ok, so it wasn't always my most favorite of holidays, in fact I use to despise it.  But there's something a lil sad about being bitter on a day that celebrates love.  For a long time I didn't have someone to really enjoy on the day, but I wanted to enjoy the day anyways.  I've come to learn that it's really just a day to celebrate love--for everyone and everything.  Just because I didn't have someone special in my life didn't mean that I had to forget all the great and wonderful people that I did have.  Last year, my then 10 year old niece, was starting to become a lil sad about the day.  I didn't want her to start having a bad taste in her mouth about this particular holiday.  I "heart attacked" her living room the night before Vday, so it would be a nice lil surprise for her in the morning. I'm glad it perked her up! This year, she's already mentioned doing that for me when I awake on Vday morning.  Have I mentioned how endearingly sweet my niece is? She really is the best! 
Perhaps I'm even more jazzed about this year's Valentines Day because I have someone so special to share it with.  But I haven't forgotten about all the other things that make Valentines Day special--it's having family and friends to love, and being loved in return.  Isn't that something worth celebrating?! Especially on Valentines Day...and all throughout the month of February? I think so!

A new Bishopric @ CVYSA

Yesterday, a new Bishopric was called in my ol' CVYSA ward.  Bishop Lars has become a very dear and special person to me.  He will always have a special place in my heart.  I couldn't have come across him at a more perfect time in my life.  I thank my Heavenly Father for placing him in my life, just when I needed him most. 

CVYSA has found a special place in my heart, as well.  Some of my very favorite friends were found in my last year of ysa.  I'm so thankful that such cherish friendships were made!  I love all of my CV friends dearly and wish I could see them more often.  When I do, I'm glad that I'm always received with such open arms and warm hearts.  I love all of them and miss them when its such long periods before I reunite with them. 

Thank you Heavenly Father for such wonderful friends!

Dear Peej.

Dear Peej (or more commonly known as PajamaPants),
I LOVE YOU.  Yesterday was a beautiful celebration of love, commitment and happiness.  Thank you for allowing me & Levi to be a part of your very special day.  It was the cutest and most loveliest outdoor wedding I had ever been to.  Hearing your vows to each other was simply beautiful.  I hope to someday find someone that makes me as happy as you and your Habibi.
I've learned a lot from you, in the last 10 years that I've known you.  I still remember the first time I met you, almost exactly 10 years ago, Oct. 25, 2002 in Philadelphia. I remember seeing you in the parking garage of the Philadelphia Convention Center.  When I first saw you, I immediately thought, "This guy looks Samoan...but also Mexican. He's kinda cute, very put together! Wow."  Later, when I met you with Coxy, we got to talking and I was kinda nervous.  I was stoked that you were from Oceanside, it made me think that you and I could possibly hangout together after our missions.  And we surely have.

 I've always had the best of times with you.  You are the funniest friend I've ever had! Everyone I introduce you to, comes to know and admit what I already know about you; that you are funny and so genuinely kind.  I'm glad you get along with everyone I introduce you to, it's always been a pleasure to take you everywhere.
It's always been easy being open and honest with you. I've appreciated all of our conversations, and trust you immensely.  Although it seems like we go weeks without talking or texting, that's ok, because our friendship always picks up right where it left off. I'm pretty sure that that will be the case for the rest of our lives, and that's ok....because I know that we will be friends for the rest of our lives.
One of the greatest gifts you've given to me, as a friend and human being, is to be more sensitive to the homosexual community.  As a Christian, it can be very easy to be desensitized to homosexuality, unless you know one, personally.  I'm grateful that our friendship hasn't changed, since you 'came out'.  If anything, I think we've become more sensitive, tolerant and understanding to each other.   I am happy that you're happy.  I'm ecstatic that you've found someone to love and share your life with .  I look forward to getting to know Habibi more.  In my brief meeting with him, I could tell that he was genuine.  He was sincerely kind and courteous.....all things that you are.  What a match! I am incredibly happy for you!!
Well, I love you my dear friend, and I couldn't have been more pleased to celebrate your big day! Thank you and thank you for everything you've brought to our friendship.

Love you,
Ehu.

A Lunch Letter to Mr. Red.

Dear Mr. Red,
Thank you for suggesting we have lunch together.  I always love hanging out with you, with or without food involved.  I'm glad you know me so well...and forgive me for my shortcomings.  I'm glad you also believe me when I say that I REALLY tried hard to be on time. I'm also glad you also expect me to be late, but seriously, I left my place at 11:15am expecting to get there on time!!  Coronado's about 15 minutes away, so yes, I might have been a minute or two late.  I REALLY wasn't expecting a huge car accident on the freeway, especially when I KNEW I should have just driven up the strand to Coronado.  I figured I'd get away with driving 80mph on the freeway vs. 70mph on the strand.  Either way, I think the Universe has it out for me.....apparently, I'm NEVER suppose to be on time to ANYTHING we do together.  Thank you for ALWAYS forgiving me and loving me all the same.
After I parked 2.5 blocks away, I tried to hustle over, but not show up as a hot sweaty mess.  When I got to our table and saw the 3 other chairs in the sun, you melted my heart when you offered me the seat in the shade. At first, I was seriously bummed that I was gonna have to sit in the sun for the next hour.  Sitting in the noon sun, unless I'm at the beach, is never really my idea of fun. So yes, MAJOR BROWNIE POINTS for you, for totally offering up your cool shady seat to me without even blinking an eye.
I was a lil overwhelmed with all the choices of Burger Lounge. Well, there weren't that many choices, but I was a lil flustered.  Oh, you know me.  I still don't know why you paid for my meal.  I mean, I'm totally grateful, but I was ready to pay for my burger and lemonade. But I'm always so thankful for your generosity, on all levels.
I always enjoy our conversations, especially when it's accompanied with your laugh.  Oh your laugh makes my heart swell.  It just makes me smile and laugh even more.  I'm so thankful you never get mad or offended by the things I say, and even more thankful you "consider the source".
The burgers at Burger Lounge were pretty good, but I think I like our other spot in IB, Big Kahuna's.  Although, your Vanilla Shake was delicious!
Sometimes, you amaze me by the things you pick up on.  But then again, it's you and you're pretty awesome like that.  I'm so glad you're fluent in "Ehu".  I never really have to explain stuff to you and you always seem to know why I do and say the things I do.  If I could find a husband like that, my life would be pretty easy breezy.   Anyways, talking with you is one of my most favorite things to do with you.  I learn stuff from you and have a greater desire to learn more about everything.  I won't say that I'll read the Odyssey anytime soon, since I'm still trying to finish Les Miserables from last year. I just might end up watching the movies for both books. 
Well my friend, thanks as always for being friends with me in real life.  I enjoy spending time with you, more than you know....well actually, you do know, because it's you.  Can I also say how thankful I am that you're such a gentleman.  I appreciate your offer of walking me to my car, even though you were already running late getting back to base.  And lastly, thanks for taking a picture with me.  I like documenting happy times in my life, and come next April, I will cherish all the moments we've spent together. Being friends in real life, with you, makes me the happiest.   

Love always,
Ehu 

Sunday Seafood & Saturday Softballl & Scriptures.

Yesterday was my parents' 50th anniversary.  We went to South Bay Fish & Grill to celebrate it.  I liked the idea of eating seafood on the harbor. Makes me think of last Sunday's date with Swiss.  Oh Swiss....  I was suppose to see him today, but was with family instead.  Our next date will be at the airport. I know...THE AIRPORT!!! I'm excited because I really like the airport here in San Diego! It just makes me so happy to see.  It's quite the beauty!  I think the airport is under appreciated because most people are rushing around and are too busy to notice how great of a place it is.  I've always wanted to have a date there because I never really get to eat there.  I also I like watching people.  Have you ever noticed how happy some people are there?  I love flying in to San Diego because even after I've gone somewhere else, I get to come home to SAN DIEGO!!!!  America's Finest City!  I LOVE IT HERE!!

Yesterday was also our first softball game. Oh man.... I somehow need to lose 100 lbs. by our next game. Man oh man, I am NOT a runner. I need to be.  I also need to be better at batting. I mean, Tat and I went to the batting cages the night before and I totally rocked it!  But man, the next day, I SUUUUUUUCKED!!!!  Seriously, I couldn't hit the ball to save my life.  What the heck?!?!   Ugh.....   I was nervous as heck!!! My heartbeat was racing and practically pounding through my chest!!!!  I can just kiss Sonny {formerly known as, "Iam"} goodbye.  Seriously.  I was a pathetic excuse of a player yesterday. I feel VERY humbled because I was totally out of my element. I was scared of the ball.   I was hit during church softball once, so I've been traumatized ever since.  But still... I'm pretty sure Sonny thinks I'm a complete idiot. I couldn't really face him at church today.  I doubt I'll be talking to him much outside of softball now.  By the way, our team name is, "The Dirty Pickles".  Not really my favorite.  I submitted the name, "Pitch Slap" because I can't help but chuckle every time I hear it. :)  As for the rest of the team, I totally like them all.  They're all chill and GREAT players!  I think I'm the weakest link. :( 

Today at church, I was a lil bummed. Happy to have my friend Ame back but sad that Vans wasn't there. He moved out of the ward last week.  He was my first friend in the ward and reminded me of Mr. Red and all of our times of hangin' out at church together.  I'm bummed but I know he'll be happier in his new ward.  I'm oh so grateful to have Ame back in town.  She's such a cool, chill chick!!

I was reading Mosiah 25-28 {Book of Mormon} today during Sacrament Meeting and thoroughly enjoying it. I haven't studied from the BOM in a long time and in the last blessing I received from my awesome Home Teacher, I was advised to read the scriptures more and pray a lot more.  I can't wait to read more from Mosiah and start Alma. I know I didn't exactly start reading the BOM from the beginning, but let's just be grateful I'm reading it again.  I can't help but feel like I need to make some course corrections in my life.  I'm so thankful for the opportunity I had to read the scriptures.  I NEED to start doing that more often. A LOT more often.  

For the record: Friendship.

I think I need to explain something quick!

This is Mr. Red:



We are ONLY and ever will be only friends.
Yes, I did like him (VERY past tense). 
But that's not the reason we're still friends.  In my last post, I mentioned that I "crave spending time with him."  I do, that's true. 
The reason why I "crave" that time hanging with him is because I can talk to him about EVERYTHING and ANYTHING, and NEVER feel judged.....and I have discussed EVERYTHING under the sun with him.  I don't have many friends that I can be so open with, like I am with him and my very best friend, Bugs.  A few friends come close and I'm grateful for them and their friendship.  Them too, do I desire spending time with.

I'm the kind of person that genuinely loves her friends. I miss them when I don't see them or talk with them for long periods of time.  I grew up with 2 best friends living right across the street from me.  I never had to experience losing a friendship due to moving.  To this day, I still live within a one mile radius of Liz & Eidde and talk to them to this day. I love my friends, I tell them that whenever we talk.  If I died tomorrow, I hope my friends know of the love I have for them, the blessing it's been for them to call me a friend and that my life has been enriched because of them. I never like saying goodbye to a friend or a friendship, and avoid it at all costs. 

So about my friendship with Mr. Red.....  I've trusted him with my deepest secrets, my craziest thoughts and my most sensitive feelings.  He knows me as well as my best friend, Bugs and my sister, Bec.  When we're hanging out, we're usually just talking. He is an intelligent individual and I'm always left with the appetite and aspiration to learn.  The fact that his gender happens to be male, sometimes strikes a nerve with the guys I date.  I've learned to not mention Mr.Red to them, anymore than I do about my female friends. 

I can only hope that the guys I date understand that when I say, "We're only friends" that they trust me completely on that fact.  Because if roles were reversed, I would understand and never ask them to stop befriending someone that makes them want to be a better person. 

Pregunta.

I just came across this question while cruisin' the net, right now;

"Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?"

This morning, I woke up to a VERY unexpected text that said, "Just got back into the states. Give me a call later", sent at 4:58am.

It was from a friend that I haven't seen or spoken with in months! Ok, it was more like 3 months, but still that's been a very long time, when especially we live 7 miles from each other. Especially when it's a friend that I crave spending time with talking...walking....thinking...meditating.

Part of me was happy, overjoyed that this friend was alive and well because honestly, I had no idea what the hell happened to him.  Seriously, lately I was thinking, "Ok, well I guess he moved on and didn't feel the need to tell me that our friendship ended".  I was bitter and sad. Especially since he lives across the street from Houston, as well as my favorite beach spot, and I would ALWAYS see his place.  My heart ached because I deeply missed my friend and longed for his friendship.   I started to give up, thinking that he moved on with his significant other and that we were no longer friends. 

I don't know how I feel, exactly.....  I know I don't feel like jumping at his text.  I know I'm bummed at the way our friendship's been the last couple months.  I know that I shouldn't let my pride get in the way. 

So to answer the above mentioned question, in this situation--I don't know, I feel like both happened.  For the last couple months, I was losing touch with a very dear friend who lives so close to me and then he moved away [for a bit]. 
Sigh.
I miss those days of childhood when your farthest friend just lived on the next block over.