Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Nancys & Debbies.

Last night, as I was sitting around a picnic table with some of the women from my ward, I just couldn't handle listening to a couple of them.  They were just so negative.  They were negative about men, dating and themselves.  I felt for them because at times I get bummed about not having a date, sometimes.  However, this was entirely different.  One of them was just doggin' herself to no end...out loud!  Who does that?!?  I know I'm far from perfect, but it was just hurting my heart and killing my spirits.  I just couldn't stand it anymore and I was trying to be nice by listening, but at one point I just had to walk away (there were 3 other women there, so it wasn't entirely rude for me to walk away).  
I know I'm a "big girl", but man, I hope I don't identify with those "big girl" stereotypes.  I just looked at the other 3 women and they were just BITTER & CYNICAL.  As pretty as they were, their attitudes were very unattractive!  They were venting on how they've never been in a relationship and for one, she's never even been on a date.  I was in shock and then worry started to set in...
"Am I gonna end up bitter like these chicks who've been in this singles ward for years??" 
Seriously, I felt like a deer in headlights.  I don't want to be a Negative Nancy or Debbie Downer in a few years because I'm not dating.  Geez, friggin' scary.  I wish I could have slapped it out of them because it was exhausting to listen to.   At one point, one of the guys who sat down with us, stood up, shook his head and walked away.  I'm glad I have a couple (and when I say couple, I really do mean two) friends that I can talk to, in the ward.  I wanna try to like these women, but I can't stand their negativity.  I don't want to be around it when I'm at church function because I'm there to be happy and have a great time.  Besides, I don't want others thinking that I too am bitter because of someone else's venting session.  GRRRRRR.....women. 

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Familiarity & Future Families...

Today, I went to my ol' family ward.  Man, it was just so nice to be amongst familiar friends.  I love familiarity, it's just so comforting.  I felt like I was going "home".  "Home" has been such a distant, unfamiliar feeling these last couple years.  

As I was sitting in the 3rd hour class, the topic of the hour (as well as Sacrament meeting) was "Families & Family Home Evening".  Since I was amongst the few, probably the only single adult there, my mind wandered.  I looked around at all the married members of the ward, at all the married couples....especially those that were my age and younger.  
"Should I have married Jake?" 
"Could it have worked out?"
"I'm sure I would have been able to make things work"
"I wasn't really that bored with him, was I??"
"I could be a Mom by now, pregnant with our second child by now"
"Marriage is work, so it would have been hard anyways."
"Why didn't I just marry him??"
These questions were swirling inside of my head during that last hour.  I couldn't help it.  Everything was focused on family and I sometimes wonder about my own future family.  
I wonder what pregnancy will feel like.  Will I rub my stomach a lot, as I try to connect as much as I can with the wonder that it growing inside of me?  Will I sing and talk to my unborn baby? I'm pretty sure I will.  I imagine myself rocking my baby to sleep, in the middle of the night, and taking sweetness of my baby wonder.  What will my babies look like?  Will they have my nose or my husband's smile?  I love to wonder what my babies will look like.  

Across the aisle, there was a Dad sitting with his baby boy and I just wanted to hold that baby.  I miss holding babies, so much.  I miss kissing their hand as it grabs on to my finger.  I see baby feet and I just  wanna kiss them.  Oh and I love their sweet aroma of baby deliciousness!! 

I sincerely hope and pray that someday, maybe someday in this lifetime, I get to experience the joy and wonder of motherhood. Oh how I would love that so much.  I hope I would never take that for granted or later complain about how tiring it is... I mean, I probably will, but I HOPE that I will always see the glass as being half full and always give thanks for the opportunity to witness the miracle of life.  

Saturday, July 28, 2012


Ever since I was a little kid, I have HATED, HAAAAAAAATED these:
Seriously, I would cringe and run the hell away.  I always felt like they were chasing me and I could never get away from them.  My family always called them, Japanese Beetles, but this is actually a Figeater Beetle. Whatever you wanna call them, I just can't stand them!!!!  

Yesterday, one of my worst fears came to life.....
I went to the Farmers Market in IB with two of my nephews and one of their girlfriends.  As we started to drive away, Bub's hands & arms started waving through the air.  I looked in the rearview mirror and saw Kalani scrunched up against his girlfriend, in the backseat, kicking and screaming.  
And then I heard it...
....that familiar, scary sound was back to haunt me! 
There we were, driving down Seacoast, screaming and waving our hands frantically trying to keep this dreaded beetle away from us.   I, however, had to keep my hands on the steering wheel, even though I wanted to close my eyes, scream and get the hell away from it  I was stuck behind the slowest cars in the entire universe and all I wanted to do was pull over and find this damn bug! At one point, it landed on the dashboard in front of me.  I was screaming and wincing in fear!  I was terrified that it was going to fly straight into my face and I'd lose control of the car.  I grabbed a magazine from my cup holder so Bub could hit it.  It started to fly around and headed towards my left ear.  I already pictured it flying in my hair and not being able to get it out.  Once I was able to safely pull over, we jumped out of that car like a bat outta hell!  No one could find it!  We were hoping that maybe it flew out of the sunroof.  We gave it a minute or two to rear its ugly head.....but nothing turned up.  Maybe in all of our commotion, it flew out. That what we could only hope! 

This morning, as I was driving to a funeral, I was about 5 minutes away from the church when I heard that all too familiar sound! I cringed in pure terror!  I was alone and had just put the magazine under the passenger seat.  I had nothing to defend myself!  [You may be laughing, but seriously, I HATE this insect with EVERY. FIBER. OF. MY. BEING.!!!] I turned around and saw it on the floor, in the backseat.  All I had was my purse so I put it on top of it. As I tried to turn the corner oh so slowly, my purse rolled off of it and I had no idea where it was!  I had chills down my spine and all the hairs on my arms were standing on edge!!!  My knuckles were white as I squeezed the steering wheel, paralyzed with fear!!  I was able to safely get to church, jump the hell out of my car and scoop it out with a piece of paper.  As soon as I threw it out, it started to fly back towards me!! Are you kidding me?!?!  Had it flown any closer, I would have killed it!  I didn't care anymore!!! STUPID BUG!

I was so shaken up and had to calm my nerves quickly, before walking into the church.  I had the willies and had to shake it out of my system. I'm glad I was late because I would have looked like I was on some sort of hallucinogens, to all those walking in.  Sick, sick I tell you!! I hate those damn bugs!!! I'm just so glad that it didn't rear its ugly head last night as I was driving around downtown!  I was probably driving for close to an hour last night and I know I would have surely crashed had it started flying around inside my car, last night.  Geeeez. I wish these damn things never made it on the ark!  

Thursday, July 26, 2012

A July Quickie....

*Oh I love me some wedding blogs: http://ohdarlingwedding.blogspot.com/

*My Meniere's has been kicking my arse more than ever.  Seriously, it sucks.  My head feels like it's in a constant tailspin. I feel like I have to be constantly moving, to fight against the Vertigo that sets in.  I'm sure to those around me, it looks like I can't sit still.  If I try to sit still I feel like I'm gonna fall out of my seat.  Stupid Meniere's Disease!

*My nephew Bub has been here for the last week and it's been so wonderful having him around.  I've become so accustomed to him not living here, which is a good thing because I tend to hold on too tightly to my nephews & niece.  What can I say, I love them so much!  Bub leaves for his TWO YEAR mission in about a month.  Man, I'm not ready to not having him a phone call away.  

*My niece returned back to school this week.  Time flies by so quickly!  I like when kids are out for the summer because I feel like they're able to just be kids and carefree.  Sometimes I think the world asks them to grow up too quickly.  

*My calling at church has been getting better.  I'm the Family Home Evening Committee Chair (I think that's a stupid name since I'm obviously not the "Chairman".....can't I just be the "FHE Prez" or the "FHE Mama"?) and I've finally added to my committee.  I finally got smart and added some friends to the committee, which makes a difference.  Sometimes the call feels a lil daunting since I still don't know the ward as much as I'd like to.  I just want everyone to come out to FHE and have a great time.  

*I don't know if much has improved since laaaaaaast Saturday.  Sometimes, I want to go out of my way to help my Dad with a particular task, but then I don't want to become a doormat later.  I was talking with my Mom today, but I made sure not to say too much.  I've always wished I had the type of Mother/Daughter relationship that I could openly talk and share my thoughts & feelings with.  Sadly, I don't and I need to be on guard of the things I share with my parents because it'd be like giving them ammo for later.  When I was dating & later broke it off with Morgan, I thought I could share lil things with my Mom....you know, how most Mom & daughters talk.  It didn't matter because she ended up using it against me in an argument.  I've learned a lot from my parents, both good and bad.  My heart will forever long to have a ideal relationship with my parents. I don't think this will ever happen. If ever I'm blessed with the opportunity to be a parent, I hope my kids will trust me enough to talk and share their lives with me.  I hope they'll know how much I'll love them, by word and deed.  

*I started to talk to Logan again, thinking we could try to be friends....  He's TOO hung up on the fact that I'm Mormon.  He continually compares me to the Mormons he knew up in Utah.  It's like I have to prove to him that I'm not like that, nor am I your typical Mormon.  He thinks I know nothing about the Catholic religion, that ALL my time is spent on church stuff, that ALL my friends are Mormons and basically I have no life outside of church.  I just couldn't do it anymore. I hate when I have to prove myself on anything, it means that someone's not believing me....as if I'm lying.  Grrr!!  So yet again, I've said good bye to Logan. This time it's for good.  GRRR MEN!

*Oh speaking of which... I didn't go to Pride.  My Meniere's was a huge factor in it.  I just couldn't handle the dizzy head and didn't want the lack of sleep and extreme sun to add to it.  I'm kinda bummed, but there's always next year.  

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

July 24 = Pioneer Day and....

 10 years since I went to the MTC to start my mission!
This pic is actually from our last night in the MTC, I couldn't find the photos from our first nite.
I woke up this morning with a lovely lil message from StephyPooh wishing me a "Happy 10 Year Anniversary to our Friendship!"  Oh, what a lovely morning greeting!! I couldn't have been more blessed to have met her in the MTC! I had such a great MTC district!  Such fantastic people! If I could turn back time, I would go back to that first day in the MTC.  It was the start of a wild and humbling adventure!  I had no idea what was awaiting me in the MTC and in New Jersey.  I was in the exact mission field that I needed to be in. 
I was blessed to come across some of the greatest people that will forever be in my heart.  One of those people is my beloved mission president, P.Daw.  Oh I love that man dearly and I knew that he loved each of us missionaries, as well.  I talked to him last Summer and it was so good to hear his voice.  I still love that man so much. 

Who knew that when I opened my call 10 years ago and it didn't say, Nukualofa, Tonga, but read, "New Jersey Cherry Hill Mission" that my life would be changed forever.  Heavenly Father blessed with the exact experiences that I needed, amongst just the right people that I needed to meet in that season of my life.  My cup runneth over. 

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Meniere's....this weekend....LGBT.

Man, Meniere's is kicking my trash today!! Ugh, so frustrating and stressful.  Which incidentally, stress makes my Meniere's worse.  It's a double edge sword! :-/

I'm looking forward to this weekend.  I've got some awesome friends in town and look forward to hanging out with them tomorrow night!! Oh yeah!! Kanikapila!! Kanikapila is what they call a "jam session" in Hawaii.  People play their ukuleles & guitars.  Sometimes there's singing and occasionally there's hula dancing.  I love times like that!

So.... I won't be at church on Sunday, I'll be at the San Diego LGBT Pride with PajamaPants.  I'm glad we can still be friends and support each other, despite our differences.  On my last birthday, he sat by my side, in church, and reassured me that I'd do well on the song I had to sing that day.   This Sunday, I'll be by his side supporting his happiness, but most of all supporting my dear friend. 
Part of me worries what new friends/acquaintances may think of this decision to skip church and go to Pride.  Am I gay? No.  Going to an LGBT event doesn't make me gay, any more than going to the beach makes me a surfer.  I figure that people may judge, but go ahead... "What comes around, goes around."  

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Two days...

Two days of heart warming awesomeness!!  
I went to my ol' YSA ward's "CVYSA Has Talent" FHE, tonight.  Oh man it was nice to see so many dear friends again. It was at a family friend's house, where I had birthday party, last year. I had a great time! I forgot how much FUN FHE is!! So many great laughs and wonderful talents were shared tonight.  Sim and I were called up on the spot and we sang, Country Road by Paula Fuga & Jack Johnson. Man, I was nervous.
 There's so many new CVYSA members, which made me miss some of my ol' YSA friends who weren't there tonight.  A friend happened to be wearing the same cologne that Mr. Red wears, which brought back so many memories and made me miss my friend.  

My sweet friend Tui, who happens to work at the church bookstore, embossed my scriptures for me.  I've been wanting my name on them, and she thought it'd be cute & cool to emboss them like this --->
I love them!! "Ehu Girl" happens to be the name of a cute lil song from a Hawaiian band.  I love my mini-scriptures!  I scored them at the DI for $2.00 and they're practically new.  The funny thing is, the previous owner, Duncan McKenna had a Hawaii phone number because it's written inside the front cover.  Small world.

Anyways, yesterday and tonight have been tender mercies!  I couldn't be more blessed to have such wonderful, heaven sent friends.  

In about 34 hours my wonderful friend, Hermanita, will be home from her mission!! Oh I cannot wait!! I've missed her so!!  

Monday, July 16, 2012

Just the day I needed!

Today was just the Sunday I needed

I decided to go to my ol' YSA ward today because I didn't feel like driving 20 miles to church.  Sometimes that gets a little old.  Besides, I just wanted to feel the goodness of having dear friends nearby.  I got to see and hold BabyChleo, who's no longer a baby anymore :( She's so big and sadly, she's kinda forgotten me.  Major bummer! Yet another reason I miss going to CVYSA ward!  
I'm just so glad I was able to come across so many old friends that I love dearly.  They all mean so much to me and just seeing them all, and receiving so many smiles, hugs and warm greetings were tender mercies sent from above.  
The talks in Sacrament meeting were exactly what I needed to hear.  They were uplifting and made me ponder a lot about what I need to change in my life.  From one of the talks, I liked what he had to share...
*You can do whatever you want, as long as:
1. You have a plan.
2. You show your work.
3. You take responsibility.  
It's simple and I LOVE simplicity, but he applied that to all things in life.  Phenomenal! I love it!  I need to start living that way.  
Being amongst the Relief Society sisters was a joy! Oh how I miss serving in Relief Society!  I think I loved serving in that calling just as much as I loved being a missionary. My friend taught the lesson and gave a fantastic analogy for sharing the gospel.  
Afterwards, I hung out with some friends and it was just so good to be amongst friends....people who know me, who just get me and just all around like me.  Man, it was great!  I also received great news about going back to school in September. Oh man, it was out of the blue and I'm stoked for the opportunity!!!  
On the way home, I stopped in to visit with the Buzz family.  They're some of my favorite people and favorite kids!! Oh how I love them so!!  Just being around their kids, I feel GOOD.  Their home is filled with goodness and love.  I love spending time with them! They are truly heaven sent friends, to me and my family.  We sure love them, a lot. 
After my VERY crazy day yesterday, today couldn't have been better.  In the afternoon, I got to spend some alone time down at the Coronado Ferry Landing....so blissfully sweet.  Today was definitely filled with tender mercy moments, and I couldn't be more grateful. 

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Punched in the gut, twice.

Man, what a day.
I'm so exhausted.  I feel like I've been punched in the gut, twice.
First, my Dad tells me that I'm basically worthless.
Then, my Mom lies to my face.
Who can you trust, when your own parents hurt and deceive you?
I don't know which is worse, because in my book they're pretty much even.
I'm so mentally and emotionally spent, that I can't put up a fight.  I'm tired of living a facade that my parents are the greatest people ever.  I have a Mom who always jokingly said to family friends, "I had my two boys, it was him (pointing to my Dad) that wanted a girl" [since there's a big age gap between my brothers and I, family friends were always surprised that my parents had another child after their first two.] My Mom always treated my brothers differently, she always seemed a little more patient and forgiving with them.  She never let me forget that her pregnancy with me was the reason she was overweight.  I know she held a grudge towards me, because my Dad made her dote on me.  She, along with my brothers, never failed to remind me of how spoiled I was.
Over the last several years, my Dad has grown bitter.   Maybe it's his culture and upbringing, or maybe it's his declining health, but I've felt like an emotional punchbag for him.  As much as I try to do for him, his gratitude is overshadowed by his extremely harsh words to me.  Just yesterday, I was undressing, dressing and feeding this man in the hospital, following his surgery.  Today, it's as if none of that ever happened.  It hurts so much when your own Dad tells you that "you have no future" or that "everything is wrong with you". I didn't know I was such a failure.  No matter how much good I try to do, it doesn't matter because I'll never be what my parents envision.
Today's events make it hard to be the dutiful daughter that I'm trying to be.  Why do I stick around to help them out?  Why didn't I just jump ship like my brothers and move out of state?  If "everything [I] do is wrong", why am I the most faithful member of my family?  No wonder why I love Job, from the Bible, as much as I do.  How did he do it?  After he lost so much, he still continued on.  I just wish I could find some emotional and spiritual solitude.  I'm grateful for an ex-sister-in-law and her children that take me in as their own.... who let me know that good and love still exist in this family.  I'm grateful for a niece's hug and her kind words of, "I'm sorry your Mom lies to you".  I told her that she's so blessed to have a Mom that would NEVER lie to her....she already knew that.
I wish, someday, to create a home where love, goodness and honesty abide.  To raise up a family, where each child feels loved and wanted.  A home where they would feel safe, on all levels.

The Vase.

I remember hearing a story about a vase, sometime ago.  It was a very beautiful and ornate Chinese vase.  I don't remember all the details of the story, because the whole time I wondered, "How many times could you break the vase and repair it, til it's irreparable?"

Today I'm thinking a lot about that vase and wondering the same thing.  

How many times can something be broken and mended til it just isn't what it was before?  Til it's unrecognizable and unusable?  If the vase was an animate object, would there be a point in time when it doesn't want to be repaired because it already knows it's going to break, yet again?  

Sometimes, I think people can only be hurt so many times til they start believing that all they're good for is to be broken.  How sad for those people who try to do good, but they're told that they're "good for nothing", "has no future" and "everything is wrong with [them]".   If only the people who say such hurtful things could see the damage that they do.  Sure there aren't bruises or scars, but man, it can really hit the core of someone.  

I hope that I never make anyone feel like they're worthless, hopeless and lower than dirt.  It hurts.  Especially when it comes from those closest to you....like family.  Like parents.  

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Band aid.

I feel like I just ripped off a band aid, which took off a couple layers of skin.
Ugh, I feel terrible.
I told Logan that I just didn't think that things would work out between he and I.  I feel awful because he was really hoping that we'd be spending more time together, and I just stomped out all those hopes.  I just couldn't do it, I was too bored with him.  As nice as he was, I just couldn't see myself spending more time with him.
There were too many things about him that resembled my ex.  Even as I was telling Logan that we were too different, it felt like I was dumping my ex, all over again.  When I did that to Jake, it felt like I had crushed all his hopes and ran his heart through a meat grinder.  However, after things ended with Jake, I felt like I had wasted time with him, at least 3 years of my life.  It felt like a waste because when I looked back, I saw how bored I was and should never have let it go on as long as it did.  So when I started getting bored with Logan, it felt like the red flags were popping up, hitting me in the face.

So in answer to my previous post's question... "Which is easier, to dump or be dumped?"
I'd go with, "be dumped".  
Hurting someone's heart (or hopes) is never easy.  

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Which is easier?

To dump or be dumped?

Uuuuuugggghhhhhh. I texted Logan to tell him that tomorrow wouldn't work out and left it at that.  3 hours later (as in 5 minutes ago) he texted back...
"Ehu, what is going on? What is happening? Did I do something wrong?"
 ...and he just called, but I let it go to voicemail.  
Even though he was on vacation up north, a phone call would have been nice.....especially if he really wanted to keep things going between us.  I had to initiate the text messages.  I lost interest during the week he was gone.  Was I asking too much? Maybe I was, but in the end, he's too old for me.  Age is a number, but I mean he just felt too old.  For crying out loud, he doesn't even know who Jack Johnson or Dave Matthews Band is.  I can't date someone that I can't relate to or get bored with.  It wouldn't be fair to either of us.

Now, if only I knew how to tell him, nicely, that I'm not interested. Of course I'm gonna stick with the truth, but I just don't want to hurt him.  Ugh......  

Logan, The Ex & some birthday cake!

I'm suppose to hang out with Logan tomorrow.  I don't really want to.  He's been dying to show me his garden, since he grows several types of Plumeria and other tropical plants.  When I first started to get to know him, I thought it would be cool to see, however, he lives about 45 minutes north of me.  I'm not dying to drive all that way up there....and honestly, I'm just not feeling it, er, him.  After our first date, he went up to northern California for a week and got back early yesterday.  In all that time, we didn't talk once.  We exchanged a few text messages, but that was about it.  During our first date, I found out more about him....both good and bad.  Not necessarily bad, but it wasn't necessarily good.  He reminded me A LOT of my ex-fiance.  There was nothing good about that.  I just don't want a repeat of him.  He was so exhausting, on so many levels.  There wasn't anything thrilling that made me want to stay with him and it's not good that Logan is already reminding me of him.  Now it's the hard part of telling him that I'm not interested.

Hey! I've got an idea.... maybe I could tell him that it's my niece's birthday, I've gotta go gift shopping and don't know when we'll be celebrating it. :-/

By the way, my birthday's in exactly two months!!! YEAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
I wish this could be my birthday cake:  

or this...

And for breakfast, I'd make french toast out of this:
I LOVE LOVE LOVE this video!!! It makes me want to hug a Panda even more!!

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

To my soon to be RM friend....

Dear Hermanita,
I wanted to write you to share my experience of coming home and life after the mission. 
Well, during most of the flight I was preoccupied with mini panic attacks because I HATED flying.  I was NEVER a fan of flying in an airplane, so the fact that my mission president ignored my pleads of flying home with the other 3 So.Cal missionaries, made me too mad and crazy to think of the fact that my mission was ending in mere hours.  It was during my last leg of the flight home (Chicaco >SD) that I started to actually enjoy flying. I was blessed to sit next to an angel who basically talked me "off the ledge" and helped me appreciate the beauty of flying.  It was nice, I wanted to enjoy the flight even longer, for more reasons than just the obvious one that was staring me square in the face.  
I remember landing and thinking, "Wow, I'm HOME!! I'm home in beautiful San Diego!!"  I wanted to cry! I had so many emotions going through me.... I was elated that I FINALLY overcame my fear of flying. I was excited to be home in my hometown. I was dang hot because I was still dressed in winter clothes (I came home on Feb. 12) and I forgot how SD doesn't have east coast winters.  I was nervous to see my family again---"Did I transform into the RM they were expecting?" I was sad because I missed my dear mission president and all the people I had grown to love. I was scared because I wasn't use to this hometown of mine being so "foreign".  "Was I the person that everyone had hoped I'd become in the last 18 months?"  I walked a little slower when I came off the plane....also due to the fact that I hadn't flown since I was 9 years old, so I didn't exactly know where to go.  (Follow the crowd and walk towards the escalators to the "baggage claim")  I went to the restroom to freshen up, splash some cold water on my face since 6 hours of flying, and being up since 4am (east coast time) did a number on me.  I walked slowly towards the elevators, scanning down below for my family.  "Was this really it? Was I gonna be released as a missionary so soon???" (even as I type this, tears are welling up in my eyes)  I couldn't find my family anywhere.  I was riding the escalators down and looking all around for my family. I finally spotted them.  I had hoped for HUGE banners to greet me, but they were kinda just kicked back, lounging around.  My foot finally touched down off the escalator and I walked up to my family.  I tapped my brother on the back and they all turned around in shock! They weren't expecting me to come from the direction that I did.  It was scary, exciting and overwhelming---almost like the MTC,  You're excited to be there, unsure of what's to come, surrounded by people who are ecstatic that you're there but just trying to understand everything around you.  It was all a blur, the boys (my nephews, back when they were all shorter than me) were elated to have me home and drew the coolest posters for me.  They had grown so much!  My niece, who was a baby when I left, was now old enough to run around and had pig tails!  I just couldn't wrap my head around all of it.  My parents looked older and more fragile.  There were some other people there, that I didn't know and it was overwhelming trying to remember who they were.  However, they were excited to see me. A few other close family friends were there and they kept asking me, "Are you excited to be home?" "How do you feel?"  Honestly, it was A LOT to take in at once because I wasn't use to NOT having a companion by my side and even though I knew I was home, seeing it and experiencing it all felt like a "familiar foreign".  I got tired of hearing those two questions because I wasn't excited to be home, I wanted to go running back to New Jersey.  It did become my "holy ground" and my "home away from home" but of course I couldn't exactly show it because everyone around me was extremely excited to have me home.  
I told my family that all I really wanted to do was go to the temple when I got home.  I wanted to do a session, but everyone just wanted to spend time with me, to talk with me in person.  I'm glad we didn't go do a session because I was emotionally, mentally and physically tired.  We took pictures and then headed home.  
Home was foreign to me, because they had redone the kitchen, dinning room and part of the living room due to a plumbing problem that happened as soon as I left for my mission.   I felt like they had to navigate me around the house.  Everyone was still so excited to have me home, so everyone talking at once and asking me a million questions was seriously overwhelming.  I didn't know what to do with myself.  My mind was still in missionary mode thinking of how I'm wasting time, I should be doing something and how it felt wrong to not have a companion by my side.  I was finally able to sneak away and went to my room, which was actually transformed into my niece's room.  So I felt even more out of place.  I just wanted some quiet, some alone time to wrap my head around all of this.  We had a house full of people and I wasn't use to that....especially when you live alone with just your companion.  I started to cry, my heart longed for New Jersey.  I would have given ANYTHING to be out tracting in the snow with that least favorite companion of mine.  My sister came to find me and that was really reassuring.  She understood, as only an RM can understand the "transition".   I had to get ready because I had to head up to the Stake Center to be released.  
Pres. Clove was called while I was out in the field (and was actually out of town) , so I'm glad that it was Pres. Norris who was the one to release me (someone I did know).  My parents came with me, but Pres. Norris called me into his office and we sat down together, had a word of prayer and talked about my mission.  He asked me all about it and then pulled out a letter that my beloved mission president had personally written Pres. Clove in regards to my service.  I started bawling like a baby.  My president had become like a 2nd Dad to me, I loved him (and still love him) so much.  Then he handed over my certificate of release that both Pres. Daw & Pres. Clove had signed.  I was then invited to take off my name tag.  Man, I cried like a baby.  You never know how attached you are to that name tag until you can no longer wear it as a full-time, set apart missionary.  I could feel the mantle of a missionary taken off my shoulder. I felt like a shell of someone that I use to know, 18 months prior.  He gave me some counsel but I was still trying to grasp what just happened, I was released. We prayed together and then he walked me out to my waiting parents. 
When I got home, I was tired, due to the fact that my body was still on east coast time (+3 hours).  As usual, I wrote in my journal and said my evening prayers.  
I awoke the next day and felt as though it was all a dream.  Sadly, it wasn't.  I was home.  I wasn't a missionary.  And there was noise all around me.  I tried to do my "normal" missionary routine, but trying to prayerfully study the scriptures amongst a house full of family was difficult.  I missed the silence of a missionary apartment.  I didn't really do much when I got home.  Due to a glitch of trying to renew my license before leaving on my mish, somehow turned into having my license disqualified---meaning, I couldn't drive.  So  I didn't really go anywhere unless a family member drove.  I stayed home and caught up on movies--G rated of course, because I still felt like I was breaking mission rules for even watching TV/movies.  I felt like I was wasting time since all my time wasn't accounted for something--like missionary work.  For days I was "bombarded" with millions of questions of my mission.  (this is where my last companion really affected me) Due to my last companion's endless interrogations, I didn't really feel like answering everyone's questions.  I just wanted to clam up, I didn't want to talk much.  My family and a lot of my friends were surprised that I was more introverted than before my mission.  Being with her, really took a toll and was so mentally and socially exhausting.  
Two days after I got home, my Mom said that she was going to go to a ward Valentine's Day party at the building.  I thought I'd go with her cause then it'd give me some time to catch up with old ward friends.  Well, my Mom dropped me off and went to go "pick up my Aunt".  That's what she told me, but she didn't come back til after the Vday party.  I was so furious with my Mom because she dropped me off and I had to fend for myself, ALONE.  The ward had changed and I hardly knew anyone.  I ended up playing the piano for most of the time and later kicking it with one of my old "Faith in God" girls (she was 12).  I was mad--stuck at a ward Valentines Day party with strangers on the one holiday where you feel THE MOST single---as if being without a companion was hard enough.  
In time, it got easier.  My brother & sister took me clothes shopping so I was able to get away from missionary clothes. I dropped a lot of weight on my mission and had grown into what a woman should wear, so new clothes was definitely a must.  I started to hang out with more of MY friends (not just family friends) and that helped acclimate me into "real life"/"the world".  I wasn't constantly being reminded of my mission and that was good, especially when trying to be "Ehulani", no longer "Sister Lomu".  I was able to talk to my favorite companion/best friend(we were MTC roommates and also served together in NJ) a couple days after coming home and we talked about our "transition" together.  It was nice to know that we were experiencing the same "foreign" life together.  
It takes time.  Maybe, hopefully, your transition doesn't come close to mind.  I tread more on the fearful/caution side, so I don't do so well when thrown into a situation.  
As for Simione,  as soon as we picked him up, we headed over to In N Out, like he requested, ate some food and then headed over to the stake center to be released.  It was hard for him.  He cried a lot too.  So expect  A LOT of tears when you're released (ie: WATERPROOF MASCARA!!! :] )  Then we headed over to our friends', The Buswells, house for birthday cake---since it was Kea's birthday.  After which, Simi (who planned on it), Kea & I headed to Thursday night Volleyball.  Simi had flown for about 22 hours and was up for maybe 36 hours, was still the same rambunctious, off the wall, highly energetic Simi.  We played Volleyball, Dodgeball and Extreme Frisbee---he was the MOST energetic person in the cultural hall!!!  CRAZY!!!  When we got home, Kea and I still hung out with him and didn't go to sleep til 6am.  Simi was still on Fiji time.  I don't know exactly what Simi was thinking or feeling, but we tried to keep him as busy as possible.  He latched on to the internet when he got home and threw himself back into the music world. I tried to do that for myself, but ALL my CD's were taken over by my family.  Basically, all my stuff was gone.  Yeah, that sucked. I had this book called, "Returning with Honor" which totally helped me and I tried to get Simi to read it too, but he was too busy with the internet---searching for anything related to Fiji.  Luckily, he was able to connect with so many old comps and friends via FB & Skype.  
So my friend, I don't know what your own transition will be like. I think I gave you two extremes of "transitions".  Hopefully you're more like Simi and you throw yourself back into life.  But whatever it'll be, just know that I am here for you and if you just need a friend to sit in silence with, I can do that to..... but just know that in my head I'll be thinking of "game" scenarios.  My number's still the same (#) so call me whenever (ANY time) you want and we can talk or hang or kanikapila....  You'll get through the transition...."What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", Too true.
I'll see you at the airport!!! I LOVE YOU!!! I MEES YOU!!

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Awkward & Embarrassed.

A couple nights ago, a group of us went out to eat, at Sonny's favorite restaurant.  I ended up sitting next to him, which I DID NOT want.  Later on, my friend Mare told me that my body language towards him was kinda rude.  I was turned away from him, and trying to focus on the conversation to my right.  I thought I was being subtle, but apparently I wasn't.  Mare gave me a hard time about it and then I realized later, I wasn't doing it because I was pissed at him... I was embarrassed.  I let my feelings show, last Saturday, that I liked him.  Once you throw that out there, there's not reeling it back in.  It's out in the open.  I feel stupid for asking him out, just plain embarrassed for letting him know that I dug him.  
Fast forward to today...
Some mutual friends were having a BBQ after church and I saw (on FB) that he didn't RSVP.  I figured he'd still be out of town and wouldn't be at the BBQ, especially since he wasn't at our Softball game, nor at church today.  Ame said that it would be good if I went to the BBQ so it didn't seem like I only went to gatherings that he would be at.  So I did.  As I was following Ame to the BBQ, I happened to look in my rear view mirror and noticed the buff looking man in the car behind me.  Whoever this man was, he looked pretty built and manly---SO HOT!!!!  Only when I stopped long enough at a stop sign did I come to realize that it was Sonny.  Really...REALLY?!?  I just couldn't believe it!!  What the heck?!  
I just feel so weird around him, I want to crawl in a cave and hide.  I hate the fact that he knows that I liked him.  I don't hide things well.  I don't want to talk to him, not cause I'm pissed that he basically turned down my invite for a date, but because I feel lame & stupid for even asking him out on a date, in the first place.  I wish I could just be invisible when he's around. 
Now I know what the saying, "Don't crap where you eat" means....

Friday, July 6, 2012

Tolerance & Sensitivity.

Lately, I've become very sensitive to anti-gay slurs & jokes. I have two very close friends who are gay and they mean the world to me.  We've discussed, at length, what my religion feels about their "lifestyle" choice, but they know exactly how I feel about it and feel about them.   I love them very much and they know that.  
I've known Eidde since I was 9 years old and we've been friends since before we understood what 'gay' meant.  Why would my feelings and friendship change with him just because of who he chooses to love?  I've always been taught to "love one another", but why must it stop once that person's life choices don't exactly match up with my religion's standards?  Who am I to judge?
That's where I have a hard time with religion.
My other close friend, PajamaPants has been one of my dearest friends since we met in the mission field.  It was a little rocky when he confirmed his sexuality, but at the heart of it all, PajamaPants is still the same friend I've come to know and love.  We talked it out and I feel like our friendship has grown deeper.  Since he's come out, he still supports me in my religion and I support his happiness.  When I had to sing at church, on my last birthday, he came and cheered me on.  That truly meant the world to me and I couldn't help but cry out of sheer love for my dear friend.  In a couple weeks, I'll be able to support my friend when we go to San Diego's LGBT Pride festival.
With some of the new friends I'm making, I'm trying to understand their sense of "humor" when they poke fun at the homosexual community here in San Diego.  It truly hurts my heart when I hear those stupid jokes.  I can't help but think of homosexuals I know, because they are kind, generous human beings with a heart and should be treated with the same decency and respect as anyone else.  I met a man, not too long ago, who's only been to Hillcrest (a part of town that's highly populated by the LGBT community) once because he was afraid "it was contagious and that [he'd] be hit on."  Such ignorance!!!!  I was so disgusted with him that I couldn't even look at him.  A couple months ago, I scored tickets to "Taste of Hillcrest" and was very excited about it so I posted it on my Facebook.  An acquaintance then asked if it "tasted fruity".  The other night at dinner, gay slurs were being tossed around and I just wanted to leave.  I couldn't believe that I was surrounded by such homophobic people.  I was disgusted.
I'm just so tired of it and my heart goes out to my LGBT friends.  I'm also tired of being pigeonholed as a "Mormon"/"Christian" who "hates gays."  Not true....at least not for this Mormon.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Go big or go home!

"Hey, remember that one time ALL the fireworks went off at once?!!"

Happy Birthday, America!

Monday, July 2, 2012


*Today's been an emotionally exhausting day.  Didn't expect my day to start out with an argument that would only lead to crying.   I'm so sleepy and my Meniere's has been terrible lately.

*I went on a date, Friday night, to The Prado.  The food was scrumptious!!!  Just like the server said, the Braised Beef was so tender I could cut it with a spoon!  Loved it! We ate outside on the terrace and had a lovely view of Balboa Park.  My chocolate dessert was delectable!  VERY enjoyable evening.  Do I like the guy?  Hmm, not sure yet.  "Logan" was very nice, but he is 14 years older than me and lives about 45 minutes northeast of SD.  We'll see when he gets back from his trip, next week.

*The day of my date with Logan, I received an invite for a hang out at Sonny's place.  A group of friends were gonna meet up at Sonny's, soak in the jacuzzi, swim in the pool and watch a flick. I was torn! I wanted to go to Sonny's, but Logan already made reservations and I just couldn't back out.    I was gonna try to go to both, but our stroll around Balboa Park was longer than expected.

*As much as I enjoyed going out with Logan, I couldn't help but think of Sonny. I made up my mind that I would ask Sonny out.  So I did, after our Softball game on Saturday.  We chatted about some church stuff and then I just asked. Here's how it went....

Ehu: Hey Sonny, I was just wondering, would you like to go out sometime?  I was thinking some frozen yogurt.
Sonny: Oh, um.... {intense thinking face}
Ehu: Well I know we couldn't do it tonight because of the stake BBQ.  Do you ever do things on Sunday?
Sonny: Sometimes.
Ehu: Is tomorrow one of those "sometimes" Sundays?
Sonny: Well today's my niece's birthday, so I don't know if we're celebrating today or tomorrow and I've gotta go buy her a gift.
Ehu: Oh ok, and I know next weekend's out of the question since you'll be out of town.
Sonny: Yeah.... {intense thinking face now looks a lil confused}
Ehu: Well alright, we can figure something out.
Sonny: Oh alright.
Ehu: I gotta get going, so I'll just catch you later.
Sonny: See ya.

Yep, that's how it went.  I ended up seeing him later that evening at the BBQ.  We talked for a tiny bit and ended up playing Ping Pong together.  We wagered Phil's BBQ, and I lost.  Later that night, I was talking with a friend from the ward, who told me that she had invited Sonny and his roommate over for dinner.  She insisted that I come over because then I would be able to hang out with Sonny.  I thought that would be a great idea!  During church, my friend reminded me of her dinner, to which I asked if it was confirmed if Sonny was going to be there. She said that he was definitely going to be there with his roommate.  I bowed out of the dinner.  I saw him a lot on Saturday and just didn't feel like it would be such a good idea to go.  Then I started to think, "What happened to his niece's birthday party? Was that his way of nicely telling me he wasn't interested?"  Probably was. 

*I haven't mentioned that my friend Mare is in town from Utah!!!! We've been friends for about 13 years!

It's been so great having her here!! We hung out at Coronado Beach after my Softball games and went to the Mormon Battalion Center.  We met a new guy in my ward, and he tagged along.  We ended up at Cafe Coyote afterwards, drinking Mocktails and swapping hilariously scandalous stories! Goooooooooood times!

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