Monday, January 30, 2012

Head above water....barely.

Sometimes, I feel like I barely have my head above water.  I feel like as soon as I get a breath in, I'm submerged once again.  I know that's LIFE and we all have our own struggles.  I get it.  I know there's no reason to "b*tch and complain" because people have their own problems to worry about.  But man, it's during those times when I feel the most alone.  Life would be just a little bit easier if we all had SOMEONE to lean on.  Just someone to carry the load, someone to understand your struggles in life...someone who will still care for YOU. 
I can't help but wonder what life would have been like had I gone ahead and married my Ex.  Would I have been happy having SOMEONE, than now having NO ONE?  I honestly think I'm going to die single.  You know, I can't help but wonder if this is some sick cruel joke, or "trial" that God thought I could grow from.  If I hear one more, "Gosh, you're great, I just don't understand why you're still single?!" I am going to punch that person in the face.
I feel like I just can't win.  Clearly, something's gonna have to give.  Do I want to marry in the temple for all eternity? Yes, I do.  The possibility of that happening with an LDS man, slim to none.  So what's it gonna be?  Something's gotta give, because clearly, holding out for an eternal marriage isn't ever gonna happen.  I cannot stand living alone anymore.  I'm done. 
My patriarchal blessing says that it'll happen at the "appropriate time".  WHEN THE EFF IS THAT?!?! Because at the times when I thought it was "appropriate",  when all my ducks were in a row, it never happened.  Is "appropriate time" after death when I can be sealed to someone?  I just can't stand being alone anymore.  Does God not know how I feel?  Does He not care that I'm barely holding on by a string? Am I asking too much to just be thrown a bone? Something in the glimmer of hope that I won't die alone?  AM I ASKING TOO DAMN MUCH?!!  
Right now, I'm tired of going to church.  I'm tired of seeing families all around, hearing about "eternal families",  taking care of other people's kids while realizing that I may never get to experience that, in this lifetime.  I barely have my head above water and I'm struggling because I'm going through a lot of life experiences that I never thought I'd have to deal with.   I don't know what more to do? I just wanna throw my hands up in the air because I'm out of solutions.  I try to do good and choose the right, but it only qualifies me for more trials.  I don't want more trials, I want something in the form of a good blessing.  Something to enjoy.  Gosh, I just wish the load of life was just a lil easier to bear.  I wish there was something GOOD in my life, just something....or someone.  I just want to love someone special and be loved in return.

I give up. 

Saturday, January 28, 2012

San Diego, I LOVE YOU!

Last night, I went out with one of my good ol' friends, Rudy.  Cool guy, I've known him since my single digit years.... I think since we were 8 or 9 years old, in Primary.  Time surely flies.  It's cool that we're still friends and live in the same general area. We were texting back and forth about being hungry and not knowing what to eat.  He introduced me to this AWESOME TJ style taco stand in town. LOVE IT!! But we eat there all the time.  So we ended up at SONIC!!!!
Oh man, I LOVE LOVE LOVE this place!!  I haven't been there since Summer 2010 while I was up in Utah.  I'm so glad that Rudy suggested this place!! It's about 20 min. east of us, but it always seemed farther, til tonight. LOVE!!! I'm DEFINITELY going back soon!!

Rudy and I had been talking for months about going to eat at my FAVORITE dessert spot here in town, EXTRAORDINARY DESSERTS!!!
Yesterday was National Chocolate Cake day!!! SO YUMMY DELICIOUS!!! Although this wasn't my beloved Viking cake, it was just as good. 

Since we were near downtown San Diego, we cruised on over to the Spruce Street bridge.  I use to work near it, but never checked it out. Heard about it, but didn't exactly know what type of bridge it was.... til last night. Oh man!! It's a SUSPENSION bridge!!!!  As in, it's suspended from one side to the other and is NOTHING. LIKE. THE. ONES. AT. A. PLAYGROUND.!!!! I mean, there are some SERIOUS wires attached. Some larger than my arm!! So you know this is some serious business!!

At first, I was thinking, "Sure, I'll try it, not like it REALLY moves?!" Wrong, SO wrong! Oh man, it was scary/trippy.  I had to take it in increments.  Got about 1/4 in, then turned back because it was wobbly. Went back to the start and assessed it.
Start again.
Got 1/2 in on the bridge. (but didn't know it was half way while I was standing on this wobbly and shaking bridge that's suspended 70 feet above the ground!)  I bolted back to the start and assessed it, again!! (It was easier to go back the start because the car was on that side, of course.)   Have I mentioned that Rudy's by my side the whole time trying to encourage me and not make fun of me--at least, not aloud.  I REALLY wanted to get to the other side!! Not for the scenery, because it was dark but because I'd get over a fear of doing something scary! It's funny how "bragging rights" can be a HUGE motivator!! 
Start again. 
Rudy was a huge help! He was doing his very, VERY best to distract me and ask me all sorts of questions as I was doing my very, VERY best to get to the other side, quickly!!!
I had never been so happy to see the other side of a bridge!!!  Then I realized that we couldn't get home until we returned back.  5 minutes to breathe and accept that fact. 
Start again. 
Got 1/8 in and realized that the bridge is completely suspended from the start, so that means IMMEDIATE boucing, shaking, and wobbling going on!!! Since Rudy's right behind me, I can't easily turn around, nor do I REALLY want to be running, on a suspended brige, in front of someone--not the prettiest sight.
Thought pattern:
Step forward.
Grip hand rail for dear life.
Step forward.
Try to answer Rudy's incessantly distracting questions.

I was SO proud of myself that I did it!! Sure, it took about 30 minutes to do, but I DID IT!!!
And I'm glad. It was kinda fun. KINDA.

Afterwards, we drove down to the harbor to see the "Victory Kiss" statue. I've been wanting to see it for a while, and luckily a friend told me exactly where to find it. Of course, we couldn't see it all too well because it was about midnight. But it was still cool to see. There were also statues to celebrate all that Bob Hope did in the USO. The shape and sculpture of the statues were so lifelike. It was kinda freaky.  But it was a nice tribute to Bob. 
All in all, it was a fun night!  It was a very cool San Diego night!!  I sometimes forget how LUCKY, BLESSED and FORTUNATE I am to live in such an AWESOME city!!! I couldnt be any luckier to call this place home.  Love it!

Friday, January 27, 2012

Ponder. Meditate. Reflect.

There is no need to run outside
For better seeing;
Nor to peer from a window. Rather abide
At the center of your being;
For the more you leave it, the less you learn.
Search your heart and see
If she is wise who takes each turn;
The way to do is to be

-Lao Tzu
Tao Te Ching, Verse 47

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

In the works......

*I had an interview for an office manager position today.  I hope I get it? Yes, that's a question mark. I also applied, tested and currently in the background check process for a position with the Sheriff's department.  I wish the process went A LOT faster.  I'm afraid to accept this office manager position and then a week later be notified for the Sheriff's dept.  I'd hate to leave him in a lurch.  Don't get me wrong, I'm truly grateful for both job opportunities! Oh to be an adult and "get to" make such grown up decisions!

*Church.....  I'm not feeling this new ward that I've been attending since October. I feel out of place and like a constant visitor there. I don't feel at home there.  Whenever I visit ANY of the wards of my home stake, I'm welcomed with hugs and warm greetings.  Plus, I'm tired of driving 20 miles, one way, just to go to church.  I think a possible ward change is in the works.... Also, as I've been working with the YW from my home ward, during their Volleyball season, I can't help but want a calling in YW or Primary.  I miss having a high demand calling. 
*Today is Chinese New Year.  It's my FAVORITE holiday!! Seriously, I love this day!!
Enjoyed a delicious Chinese dinner with the family and traded lil red envelopes.

* hard!  I am realizing that more and more.  It feels like constant "sink or swim" moments. I've come to learn that as long as my nostrils are above water, every so often, I'll survive.  Breathe, Ehu...just breathe.

*I want a bike.  A cool beach cruiser bike.  Please & Thank You.  It would come in handy....especially after last Tuesday which I'll blog about later.

*And I joined Pinterest....we'll see how long that lasts.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Unexpected Visit!

I received an unexpected visit from my dear friend, "Dixie"*.  I met him about 5 years ago when he returned from his mission.  He seemed like a quiet, chill and funny guy and he's still the same way.  I love him dearly and miss him, since he lives out of state.  He's just one of those guys that seem more like a cousin than just a 'guy-friend'.  I guess it helps that we've never had any awkward sexual tensions because one of us liked the other.  We're just kosher.  :) 

We went to eat at Tacos el Gordo (TJ style tacos) and then hit up the beach, walked the Imperial Beach pier and ate ice cream--in 45deg. weather.  It was delightful!  It's always nice to hang with Dixie, because it feels like our friendship picks up right exactly where we last left it.  I'm so grateful to have him in my life and call him my friend.

*As for his nickname, that's what I actually call him in real life. Whenever he use to call me on my house phone, the caller ID popped up as "Dixie F_________", which was is his grandmother's name.  It just stuck and we can't help but chuckle whenever I use it.

Valentine's Day is coming up!

I was at Kohl's the other night and came across the cutest thing!! It was a lil pink owl statuette for Valetine's day!! Oh man, I sooooooooooooooo loved it!! I wanted it!! I still want it!! But I figure I'd buy it for myself when the day approaches. 

But then I saw the trailer for The Vow.  I wanna watch it on Valentine's Day!

So I think I've got the best gift and date..............for me.


stupid holiday.

Monday, January 16, 2012

As Kip would say....

Since Friday night, I think I've been tethered to my new phone! Oh man, seriously, I LOVE MY NEW ANDROID PHONE!! I love all the apps!! I didn't know I've been living under a [technological] rock! Embarrassing, but true!
And now...
I'm addicted to Words with Friends!! Seriously, it's pathetic, ESPECIALLY since I LOATHE playing Scrabble. 
My favorite part, thus far, was being able to go to church with just Carmex, gum and my phone in my pocket.[It was always a goal of mine since I was RS Pres and would show up to church with heavy bags.] Gotta love being able to download the scriptures and manuals on my phone! SO FRIGGIN AWESOME!! I LOVE IT!!  

Friday, January 13, 2012


Good News: I have a phone again!!

Bad News: I lost ALL my contacts!!

So if you're reading this, and we're friends that actually talk to each other...most like I will be needing your number again.

Please & Thank You.

Thursday, January 12, 2012


My phone broke.
So if you've tried to call or text me, it's because the screen died.
Don't know how it happened, but I pulled it out of my purse and the screen wouldn't turn on.
Adios to ALL the numbers/contacts in my phone. 
As much as I was hoping to buy a new phone,
I didn't want to do it this week.
My car died.
Well, not ALL the way, but I can't put it in reverse and some other "technicality"
(as in, my rotors sound HORRIBLE because "someone" HATES doing car stuff and this is what it has led to.)
What does a transmission do anyways?!?

Who wishes they were made out of money right now?
answer: I do!

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Just the Sunday I needed!

Today was a pretty splendid day!  I was able to attend church with one of my favorite people. He always makes any situation a thousand times better. I LOVE just talking with him, he’s so intellectually stimulating. I was SO HAPPY at church! I haven’t felt that way since I was attending my YSA ward. I felt real again! I wasn't just going through the motions of church. I actually laughed in church--more than a nice little “church chuckle” to be courteous.  I had a comfortable friend by my side, again. I couldn’t have been more grateful. I just couldn’t go through another Sunday like last week. Today was a million times better!!     God knows how thankful I am for Mr. Red!  I hope to be a better friend to others because of his selfless and giving heart. 
I was blessed to spend time with my sister and the kids. I miss having noise in the house. I miss hearing their voices and all their musical noises. I miss hugging them every time I’d see them around the house. I also got to take a nap on our old comfy couch. I forgot how much I loved that couch. It felt like home again. I’ve tried not to think much about my old house and how much I’ve missed it. In all honesty, I’ve tried to forget it because it hurts too much to think about it. I nodded off while my nephew Sim was saving the world through some Xbox game. When I woke up, I felt like I was back in my old childhood home again. I felt that comfort of home and family once more.
Since Mr. Red picked me up for church and dropped me off at my sister’s, I had my nephew Sim take me home. On the way, we picked up his youngest brother, “Kalanster" [sidenote: on the radio, I heard Christina Perri’s song, A Thousand Years--LOVE this song!! It's my new favorite song!!] I was telling them both about a new and VERY delicious taco stand that was way better than our usual taco shop that we go to. We just happened to be driving down the very street that the taco stand was on, and I asked that we stop. I’m so glad we did and even more excited that they both enjoyed it a lot! But more than that, I had a blast just spending time with them. I seriously think I’m beyond blessed with the AWESOME nephews and niece that I have. The boys were making me laugh soooooooooooooooo much!!! As we walked up, I told Sim to place our order. I don’t know why he did it, but he started to order in Spanish. I was going to dare him to do it, but he totally did it anyways. Which was hilarious to hear anyways!! Oh man, TOO DANG FUNNY!!! And Kalanster, he’s just a funny kid anyways!! It was so hard to eat and laugh at the same time!! Makes me wish Bubba was around. Seriously, I don’t know how I lucked out to be so spoiled with such great nephews!! 
Today was just the type of day that I needed!  I couldn’t be anymore grateful to a loving Heavenly Father that knows exactly what we need and blesses us accordingly. Was today a "tender mercy" type of day? Indeed, it was!  My heart is so full and my cup runneth over.

As of late, on this very late evening....

Where to start....

-I bought a computer off of a friend of a friend. It was very inexpensive and just what I needed.  Can I just say, when/if you sell your computer--WIPE THE HARD DRIVE CLEAN!!!! All pictures, videos, documents, histories, etc!  Oh man, too friggin' funny!  It was A LOT MORE than I could have EVER wanted to find on a computer. 

-My sister & kids moved this past week. It's been a lot quieter and boring.  I miss having them so close, but it's a good move and they're only 10 minutes away.  I appreciate their generious hospitality. 

-My ward.......SIGH.  Last Sunday was hard, really, REALLY hard.  The talks were on Service and one of the examples really affected me.  It made me miss all my friends from my ol' YSA ward. I just wanted a good, comfortable friend to be sitting next to me.  Mr. Red came to mind.  I walked out during the intermediate hymn (which coincidentally was, "You Can Make the Pathway Bright" and was VERY contrary to how I was feeling) and cried in the bathroom stall.  Yeah, cried in the bathroom stall like a freshman in high school......uzz.  I just feel like I have ZERO friends in that ward. It still feels cold, unfamiliar and unwelcoming.  I can't stand it.

-I couldn't be any more grateful that Mr. Red will be with me at church tomorrow.  All I've wanted since I've started attending my new ward is to have a "comfortable friend" next to me.  Someone who just knows me.  This is exactly what I need tomorrow because I really don't see myself attending this ward much longer.   Besides, it's Mr. Red and I always have the best times with him. 

-I went to karaoke with my ol' YSA friends this past Tuesday. Oh man.  I wish I had alcohol to blame my karaoke stint on.  Even worse, my friend caught it all on video. Yeeeeowch!! I sang, Carly Simon's "You're So Vain."  I had TONS OF FUN with them all and I'm thankful for each and everyone of them.  I like the way we hug when meet and hug when we part.  They warm my heart so dearly. 

-Today, I had a testing for a job position with SD county.  It was pretty tedious and I SERIOUSLY hope I get this job. I could DEFINITELY use it!  It's in interesting field, so let's hope I get it! Wish me luck! LOTS and LOTS of GOOD luck!!

-It's getting late..............................thank heaven it's Sunday!

Sunday, January 1, 2012

My 2nd Parents!

They'll be here this month!! Oh I cannot wait!! I've missed them so much! More than you'll ever know!! I love Mama McK so much! She is truly my 2nd Mom.  She gives it to me straight, lectures me when I need it and loves me unconditionally.  I couldn't have been more grateful to have met Papa & Mama McK! They will always be my most favorite missionary couple!! I seriously cannot wait!! I'm giddy like a kid on Christmas morning!!! 

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