I. HATE. BEING. SINGLE.I can't help but wonder what life would have been like had I gone ahead and married my Ex. Would I have been happy having SOMEONE, than now having NO ONE? I honestly think I'm going to die single. You know, I can't help but wonder if this is some sick cruel joke, or "trial" that God thought I could grow from. If I hear one more, "Gosh, you're great, I just don't understand why you're still single?!" I am going to punch that person in the face.
I feel like I just can't win. Clearly, something's gonna have to give. Do I want to marry in the temple for all eternity? Yes, I do. The possibility of that happening with an LDS man, slim to none. So what's it gonna be? Something's gotta give, because clearly, holding out for an eternal marriage isn't ever gonna happen. I cannot stand living alone anymore. I'm done.
My patriarchal blessing says that it'll happen at the "appropriate time". WHEN THE EFF IS THAT?!?! Because at the times when I thought it was "appropriate", when all my ducks were in a row, it never happened. Is "appropriate time" after death when I can be sealed to someone? I just can't stand being alone anymore. Does God not know how I feel? Does He not care that I'm barely holding on by a string? Am I asking too much to just be thrown a bone? Something in the glimmer of hope that I won't die alone? AM I ASKING TOO DAMN MUCH?!!
Right now, I'm tired of going to church. I'm tired of seeing families all around, hearing about "eternal families", taking care of other people's kids while realizing that I may never get to experience that, in this lifetime. I barely have my head above water and I'm struggling because I'm going through a lot of life experiences that I never thought I'd have to deal with. I don't know what more to do? I just wanna throw my hands up in the air because I'm out of solutions. I try to do good and choose the right, but it only qualifies me for more trials. I don't want more trials, I want something in the form of a good blessing. Something to enjoy. Gosh, I just wish the load of life was just a lil easier to bear. I wish there was something GOOD in my life, just something....or someone. I just want to love someone special and be loved in return.
I give up.