Something I need you to understand....

Today I had a terrible Meniere's episode.  My head just started to spinning and I couldn't do to anything divert it.   Most times I feel like I can stop it or at least counteract it.  However, today at work, my head just wouldn't stop spinning, and it felt like the whole room was spinning.  It often feels like an earthquake, so I'll look to see someone's reaction {or lack of} and then I know that it wasn't an earthquake but just my Meniere's, again. 

Today, my head just wouldn't quit spinning, so I tried to walk 5 feet to my sister's desk and the room still felt like a Twirl-a-World ride.  Unfortunately, the catch-22 to having these Meniere's/Vertigo episodes, is that they're so stressful and make me very anxious---which stress makes Meniere's even worse.  Oh I hate that part of this disease!  I told my sister to just take me outside, so at least I could escape to a different environment and breathe some fresh air. My heart was racing, my hands were shaking and I could feel a cool sweat start on my temples. I'm thankful I was with my sister.  She's been through these episodes before, with me, so I am incredibly grateful for her patient and calm presence.  My nephews and several close friends have also been extremely understanding.  They know that when I slip my arm into theirs, that my head's in a tailspin and I desperately need them for balance or from collapsing.  Unfortunately, my parents still haven't been able to truly understand that this isn't just an earache. There's nothing painful about it.  

When I initially spoke with my audiologist, he said that this was a condition that normally falls upon older people or those who had some sort of head trauma--both of which, I am not.  I don't know how I lucked out, but I've had it for the past 4 years. Sadly, there's also no cure for this disease {I really don't like that word--it makes it sound contagious}.  Meniere's Disease is like a combination of Vertigo and Tinnitus.  However, my Tinnitus consists of a "roaring"/"whooshing" noise, as if I have a stethoscope in my left ear. Sometimes the noise gets so terribly loud, that the only way I can help the noise subside is by pushing into the side of my neck. It looks like I'm taking my pulse, but it's the only way I can stop this constant roaring noise. Other detrimental factors to this condition is stress {good and bad stress, I didn't know there was such a thing as "good stress"}, sodium, alcohol and nicotine.  Luckily, it's only the first two that I really have to worry about.  

I just wish more of my friends could understand why I suddenly get so dizzy and a cold sweat immediately begins.  Or how nauseous I get when I watch a fast moving or spiraling scene of a movie.  You know that feeling you've been bending down low, then stand up too quickly, and you're light headed?  I get that ALL the time but for long periods of time. I can usually brace myself, but if I'm not careful I collapse to the floor.  Sometimes after a dizzy spell, it wipes me out and I'm left feeling very weak.  

I worry that my Meniere's could get worse.  I use to work at the temple with a woman who also had it, and she had to have her license suspended for a bit because her Meniere's got so out of control, but then it went away for several years. 

I've learned quite a bit from having Meniere's Disease.  I've learned to avoid and handle stress better.  That's been the biggest blessing, most of all.  When I think of all the things I could endure in this world, I think I'd much rather have Meniere's Disease.  When it's at its worse, I like to think that perhaps Heavenly Father knew that this would be the best trial for my life and knew that I would be able to endure it.  That gives me hope for the future.

Head above water....barely.

Sometimes, I feel like I barely have my head above water.  I feel like as soon as I get a breath in, I'm submerged once again.  I know that's LIFE and we all have our own struggles.  I get it.  I know there's no reason to "b*tch and complain" because people have their own problems to worry about.  But man, it's during those times when I feel the most alone.  Life would be just a little bit easier if we all had SOMEONE to lean on.  Just someone to carry the load, someone to understand your struggles in life...someone who will still care for YOU. 

I. HATE. BEING. SINGLE. 

I can't help but wonder what life would have been like had I gone ahead and married my Ex.  Would I have been happy having SOMEONE, than now having NO ONE?  I honestly think I'm going to die single.  You know, I can't help but wonder if this is some sick cruel joke, or "trial" that God thought I could grow from.  If I hear one more, "Gosh, you're great, I just don't understand why you're still single?!" I am going to punch that person in the face.
I feel like I just can't win.  Clearly, something's gonna have to give.  Do I want to marry in the temple for all eternity? Yes, I do.  The possibility of that happening with an LDS man, slim to none.  So what's it gonna be?  Something's gotta give, because clearly, holding out for an eternal marriage isn't ever gonna happen.  I cannot stand living alone anymore.  I'm done. 
My patriarchal blessing says that it'll happen at the "appropriate time".  WHEN THE EFF IS THAT?!?! Because at the times when I thought it was "appropriate",  when all my ducks were in a row, it never happened.  Is "appropriate time" after death when I can be sealed to someone?  I just can't stand being alone anymore.  Does God not know how I feel?  Does He not care that I'm barely holding on by a string? Am I asking too much to just be thrown a bone? Something in the glimmer of hope that I won't die alone?  AM I ASKING TOO DAMN MUCH?!!  
Right now, I'm tired of going to church.  I'm tired of seeing families all around, hearing about "eternal families",  taking care of other people's kids while realizing that I may never get to experience that, in this lifetime.  I barely have my head above water and I'm struggling because I'm going through a lot of life experiences that I never thought I'd have to deal with.   I don't know what more to do? I just wanna throw my hands up in the air because I'm out of solutions.  I try to do good and choose the right, but it only qualifies me for more trials.  I don't want more trials, I want something in the form of a good blessing.  Something to enjoy.  Gosh, I just wish the load of life was just a lil easier to bear.  I wish there was something GOOD in my life, just something....or someone.  I just want to love someone special and be loved in return.

I give up. 

Empathy & Faith.

This week, I've had the opportunity to reflect on such wise counsel;

"that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. "

A couple weeks ago, when I was set apart as my ward's Relief Society president, I've remembered certain words that have stuck with me.  In the blessing, it was pronounced that I would be able to share my knowledge, experience and wisdom with the sisters that I serve. I've debated sharing that on my blog, but it might give some basis for the rest of this post.  

Since Saturday, this week has been pretty crummy.  Montana dumped me.  It hurt. No one likes to be rejected.  I wasn't expecting it and he basically ripped me a new one for ditching him.   I've been trying to think of how I could get out of that relationship because in a year's time I want to be at BYU-Hawaii.   He's not LDS and I want to get married in the temple, when & if marriage happens.  I was reading my Patriarchal blessing on Tuesday and there was something that stood out that I had never really paid attention to before.  I prayed about it.  I've been praying a lot more lately.  I need it.  I've been trying fervently to trust in the Lord because I need it for myself, for my life, for my family and for church.  

Getting my heart stomped on was rough.  No one likes that.  It took a lot to trust in the Lord and know that my deeper desires of a higher education and a celestial marriage meant more than the temporary heartache I was currently experiencing.  I had to suck it up, KNOW that Heavenly Father knew best for my life and be okay with all of it.  

Once I started to realize that, I started to think of my setting apart.  In my 30 years of life, I think I've done a lot in my life to be able to have knowledge, experience and wisdom to share with the sisters I'm blessed to serve.  It made me think of this quote I love and I once heard from Ardeth G. Kapp:

"I am glad He allows us to struggle, to cry and to feel pain, else how can we comfort others in their tribulation.  I am glad to know about hurt and healing, else how would we know of a healer, the great Physician, who invites us to come unto Him and be healed.  I am glad to know about fear and faith, else how would we recognize the light of faith after the dark night of fear.  I'm glad to know about offenses and forgiveness, else how could we ever begin to appreciate the Atonement.  I'm glad to know about discouragement and encouragement, else how could we reach out, take another's hand in empathy, understanding and love.  I'm glad to know about the grace of God and His infinite love for each of us. It is with faith in God's Eternal plan that our spiritual dimension is expanded, enlarged and magnified, and we begin to understand things that were beyond our reach previously."

Thinking in this manner has helped tremendously. The sting doesn't hurt as much and the glass is still half full :)