Like a youngin'.

I went to the Single Adult dance tonight (31 years old & up) and MAN, it was different.


There were 60 year olds (and up!) dancing to Justin Bieber.  


I came across two of my friends' Moms. I was dancing with Hermanita's mom, which was totally cool because I love her dearly.  But the other, just would have felt EXTREMELY awkward.  


But Iam was there and that made me happy.  I'll be seeing him on Tuesday for our softball meeting.  


Oh yeah, did I mention that I joined a softball league? Ask me why.  Because Iam's in charge of it.  Lame, but true.  Besides, I like softball.  I LOVE batting, but I'm not a big fan of running to the bases.  Ugggggh. We'll see how that goes.


Such a fun night!


Ok, I'm off to watch The Godfather, part 2.  G'nite.

Deciding on a ward.

Since I choose not to watch General Conference, I miss out on my very favorite part [of church]---the music.

I have a great love for the music of my church. I especially love any chance I get to listen to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. I think they are a choir of angels.  I always think about how glorious Heaven will sound with generations of Mo.Tab. singing together.  Oh I love it!
During Conference weekend, my sister said that the choir's singing of, "Come Thou Fount" made her think of me....which made me think of my (home) stake choir.  I sure do love singing with the Chula Vista choir.  Some of my favorite people are found there.  Well, I went to LDS.org and checked out all of the April 2012 General Conference music.  My thoughts were turned again to my home stake and ward.  I'm so blessed to have dear friends in all of the wards. I love visiting each ward and seeing a cherished friend.....yes, even the Spanish wards. 
Since October, my membership has been in the PB Singles Ward in the San Diego North Stake....but my heart is still in the CV Stake.  As I was listening to the musical pieces, my home ward came to mind.  I feel torn in two.  Part of me wants to go to the PB ward because I like being amongst people who are also in the same place in life and it's soooooooooooooo quiet there during Sacrament meeting services. Heaven knows how much I LOVE that.  But the other part of me wants to attend my family ward.  It's A LOT closer to home (5 miles vs. 20 miles [one way]) which makes it a lot easier to be active, on more than just Sundays.  I have a lot to offer a ward, but I feel restraint when I live so far from it.  For the past two Sundays, I've attended my family ward and just feel the desire to have a calling there.  The ward needs help, no one likes to hold callings there and its always the same people doing it.  I miss the Young Women during Volleyball's off season, I love them so!  My Patriarchal Blessing specifically mentions accepting calls of service in Primary, because I "value and appreciate the children with your warm and loving heart."  It's true, I do love the Primary children and also their songs.  I want to be part of Relief Society again. I love to be amongst the sisters, I learn so much from their lives. 
Sometimes I feel like I'm forcing myself to attend the PB Ward, but I like the friends I've made there.  I feel like my heart is back in the CV Stake, but I don't know what to do.  Move back to Otay Mesa Ward, but attend all of the PB Ward activities?  UGH............so tough.  Moving back there will mean less chances to meet a single guy at church....well, not like I'm having much luck in that anyways. 
Guess this is something I'm going to need to ponder and pray about.

Head above water....barely.

Sometimes, I feel like I barely have my head above water.  I feel like as soon as I get a breath in, I'm submerged once again.  I know that's LIFE and we all have our own struggles.  I get it.  I know there's no reason to "b*tch and complain" because people have their own problems to worry about.  But man, it's during those times when I feel the most alone.  Life would be just a little bit easier if we all had SOMEONE to lean on.  Just someone to carry the load, someone to understand your struggles in life...someone who will still care for YOU. 

I. HATE. BEING. SINGLE. 

I can't help but wonder what life would have been like had I gone ahead and married my Ex.  Would I have been happy having SOMEONE, than now having NO ONE?  I honestly think I'm going to die single.  You know, I can't help but wonder if this is some sick cruel joke, or "trial" that God thought I could grow from.  If I hear one more, "Gosh, you're great, I just don't understand why you're still single?!" I am going to punch that person in the face.
I feel like I just can't win.  Clearly, something's gonna have to give.  Do I want to marry in the temple for all eternity? Yes, I do.  The possibility of that happening with an LDS man, slim to none.  So what's it gonna be?  Something's gotta give, because clearly, holding out for an eternal marriage isn't ever gonna happen.  I cannot stand living alone anymore.  I'm done. 
My patriarchal blessing says that it'll happen at the "appropriate time".  WHEN THE EFF IS THAT?!?! Because at the times when I thought it was "appropriate",  when all my ducks were in a row, it never happened.  Is "appropriate time" after death when I can be sealed to someone?  I just can't stand being alone anymore.  Does God not know how I feel?  Does He not care that I'm barely holding on by a string? Am I asking too much to just be thrown a bone? Something in the glimmer of hope that I won't die alone?  AM I ASKING TOO DAMN MUCH?!!  
Right now, I'm tired of going to church.  I'm tired of seeing families all around, hearing about "eternal families",  taking care of other people's kids while realizing that I may never get to experience that, in this lifetime.  I barely have my head above water and I'm struggling because I'm going through a lot of life experiences that I never thought I'd have to deal with.   I don't know what more to do? I just wanna throw my hands up in the air because I'm out of solutions.  I try to do good and choose the right, but it only qualifies me for more trials.  I don't want more trials, I want something in the form of a good blessing.  Something to enjoy.  Gosh, I just wish the load of life was just a lil easier to bear.  I wish there was something GOOD in my life, just something....or someone.  I just want to love someone special and be loved in return.

I give up. 

Single.

Before my mission, I taught Girls Achievement at church (8-11 year olds). I loved it and became close with the girls. Last night I received a Facebook event invite from one of my ol' girls.

A wedding invite.

Are you kiddin me?!? I can't believe one of my ol' girls is getting married! Or is even old enough to get married.

And then I started to become sad. Like 'cry myself to sleep'/"FML" sad. I started to dread being a single Mormon. I honestly hate the way SO MUCH emphasis is put on marriage and family...and how your life doesn't seem valid without both. I LOATHE being single--it's lonesome. I wish I had that partner to enjoy life with. It made me think of a quote from, "Shall We Dance":

”We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness'."

I just feel like most of my friends are moving ahead in life....getting married....having kids....raising kids.... And my life, well it just seems mundane. I don't like that feeling. I wish I could move forward in the natural progression of life. Especially now that it's wedding season...ugh, it becomes increasingly hard to be single.

Oh well....

WHAT THE HECK?!

GGGGAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

Two more people from my single's ward are now engaged?!

Two weeks ago, a close friend got engaged to her long time boyfriend.

Three weeks ago another friend from church also got engaged....

DUDE, ARE YOU KIDDIN' ME?!? Am I living back in Utah or something?!?! Dude, this is ridiculous!? Crazy!? AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

And then, on an even sadder note.... Feb. 15th makes me a 'VL', again. I'm not too sure which one i'm more bummed about?! UGH!