Health Hiccup.

Since yesterday, I've been laid up in bed, not really enjoying being a woman.  
Sometimes, I DO NOT enjoy being a woman....it's just downright painful, amongst other things.
This wasn't exactly the week I had in mind. 

Tomorrow I'm suppose to go to a Padres v. Mariners game with my sister.  I'm HOPING that the medicine kicks in SOON, so I can go enjoy a really good baseball game!  Man, I looooooove watching baseball in Petco Park! Plus, my sister and I are planning on enjoying some Phil's BBQ at Petco since they now serve up local restaurants. 

Then Friday, the most AWESOMEST weekend with Levi begins!!!  I cannot wait!!!  Seriously, I think once this health hiccup subsides, I can really truly look forward to this AMAAAAAAAZING weekend that starts tomorrow.  

Until then, I just need to relax a bit and not stress anymore.... thank goodness for little modern medical miracles.

Something I need you to understand....

Today I had a terrible Meniere's episode.  My head just started to spinning and I couldn't do to anything divert it.   Most times I feel like I can stop it or at least counteract it.  However, today at work, my head just wouldn't stop spinning, and it felt like the whole room was spinning.  It often feels like an earthquake, so I'll look to see someone's reaction {or lack of} and then I know that it wasn't an earthquake but just my Meniere's, again. 

Today, my head just wouldn't quit spinning, so I tried to walk 5 feet to my sister's desk and the room still felt like a Twirl-a-World ride.  Unfortunately, the catch-22 to having these Meniere's/Vertigo episodes, is that they're so stressful and make me very anxious---which stress makes Meniere's even worse.  Oh I hate that part of this disease!  I told my sister to just take me outside, so at least I could escape to a different environment and breathe some fresh air. My heart was racing, my hands were shaking and I could feel a cool sweat start on my temples. I'm thankful I was with my sister.  She's been through these episodes before, with me, so I am incredibly grateful for her patient and calm presence.  My nephews and several close friends have also been extremely understanding.  They know that when I slip my arm into theirs, that my head's in a tailspin and I desperately need them for balance or from collapsing.  Unfortunately, my parents still haven't been able to truly understand that this isn't just an earache. There's nothing painful about it.  

When I initially spoke with my audiologist, he said that this was a condition that normally falls upon older people or those who had some sort of head trauma--both of which, I am not.  I don't know how I lucked out, but I've had it for the past 4 years. Sadly, there's also no cure for this disease {I really don't like that word--it makes it sound contagious}.  Meniere's Disease is like a combination of Vertigo and Tinnitus.  However, my Tinnitus consists of a "roaring"/"whooshing" noise, as if I have a stethoscope in my left ear. Sometimes the noise gets so terribly loud, that the only way I can help the noise subside is by pushing into the side of my neck. It looks like I'm taking my pulse, but it's the only way I can stop this constant roaring noise. Other detrimental factors to this condition is stress {good and bad stress, I didn't know there was such a thing as "good stress"}, sodium, alcohol and nicotine.  Luckily, it's only the first two that I really have to worry about.  

I just wish more of my friends could understand why I suddenly get so dizzy and a cold sweat immediately begins.  Or how nauseous I get when I watch a fast moving or spiraling scene of a movie.  You know that feeling you've been bending down low, then stand up too quickly, and you're light headed?  I get that ALL the time but for long periods of time. I can usually brace myself, but if I'm not careful I collapse to the floor.  Sometimes after a dizzy spell, it wipes me out and I'm left feeling very weak.  

I worry that my Meniere's could get worse.  I use to work at the temple with a woman who also had it, and she had to have her license suspended for a bit because her Meniere's got so out of control, but then it went away for several years. 

I've learned quite a bit from having Meniere's Disease.  I've learned to avoid and handle stress better.  That's been the biggest blessing, most of all.  When I think of all the things I could endure in this world, I think I'd much rather have Meniere's Disease.  When it's at its worse, I like to think that perhaps Heavenly Father knew that this would be the best trial for my life and knew that I would be able to endure it.  That gives me hope for the future.

As of late, in late August....

*Once upon a time, I thought I'd join a summer softball league because Sonny threw it out there on FB.  I quickly learned that it wasn't anything like I expected, and at times I seriously wanted to quit....and even tried.  Sonny was pretty positive and encouraged me to always do my best, since he thought I already was.  I never like quitting things, so I'm thankful for his reassurance.  I'm actually gonna miss my team, such fun & funny people! 

*I've been spending a lot more time with Mr. Red lately.  Man, I couldn't be more blessed to have him in my life.  Since my best friend has been in MIA, it's been nice having confidant I can share everything with.  We've been talking about how to better handle stress, since I tend to fail at it.  I know I need to be better at taking a step back, taking a deep breath, and analyze why I'm mad/stressed and what I'm going to do to deal with it.  We talked about a lot of different things and it was good to just clear my mind.  I've been so mentally exhausted, this past week.  It's been good to release all of that tension and learn to still release all of it. I'm learning and it's gonna be a process.  I haven't been doing such a good job at "releasing" and I've been filled with so much tension.  Stressed about so many different things has started to catch up to me and it's no wonder my Meniere's has been terrible lately.  I need to find an outlet, fast.  He's such a happy guy and the way he explains his happiness is definitely something worth trying.  I'm not saying that I'm not happy, it's just that I've been a lot more stressed and frustrated, lately.  That is not good!  Ugh.  It's a process and won't come overnight, but I'm hopeful for a good change to come about. 


*I had a date last Thursday evening.  I went to see Bourne Legacy with the Baker.  It was ok, both the movie and the date.  I'm still learning things about the Baker and vice versa.  I appreciate the way he communicates with me.  I know communication is very important in a relationship/friendship, but sometimes I tend to fail at that when feelings & a man are involved.   Sometimes, when I get frustrated, I don't know how to communicate my feelings properly.   Not all men read minds like Mr. Red (seriously, he can read me so perfectly that it scares/fascinates me), but I also shouldn't be comparing guys.  Anyways, Baker...I like him and he likes me.  We're doing this lil thing called, "dating" and I'm learning what that's all about....learning about him....learning about myself..... man, it's different.  I'm glad he's so patient because I tend to fail at that, he's willing to talk through a problem and find a solution and how he can be part of the solution.  I really like that.  Well, we'll see where this all goes..... so yep, I'm dating someone.  Wow, that thought still seems a lil foreign to me.  I guess it's because Baker & I have been friends since last year, but I never thought it'd really get to this point of "dating".  Oh well, I'll get use to it...  

G'nite.  Tomorrow my "plan" starts....wish me luck! 

The good with the bad....

After last night's 'blog vomit', I almost thought about deleting the post. But then I thought about it more and decided against it.  I don't sugarcoat stuff or try to make my life seem like it's 100% happy-go-lucky.  That's not honest and that's not life.  Life is a rollercoaster.  Sometimes there's up and other times there's lows, dips and occasional upside downs.  It's life.

In the midst of my 'blog vomit', a couple things were holding me together:

-My long, slate blue Eddie Bauer sweater:  It's like a warm hug.  It's wonderful like a robe, but in sweater form.

 "Days Go By [acoustic]" by Dirty Vegas. It was the perfect blend of a chill beach vibe.  LOVE IT!!

-And this picture of Christ...

I'm working on a project with a friend and she sent me back a version of this picture.  (I don't wanna share what we've got brewing, yet).  It humbled me.  I do love my calling and this awesome opportunity to serve.  It humbled me because I doubt that Christ ever lost His cool.  He gave it all, including His life.  I need to follow His example more fully.  It's hard, but I still have room to grow and He gives me hope.  In the midst last night's blog, a thought came to mind..."I need the Atonement right now.  I need that emotional relief that comes through the Atonement." I'm grateful for the dips, the lows and the upside downs, it brings me to my knees in humility asking for help from my Heavenly Father.  Relief will come.... sometimes in the form of a loved one but always in the form Christ and His Atonement.  

Overwhelmed.

Today's Thursday was not what I had imagined....

Man... Sometimes, there are moments when you're completely overwhelmed and it comes up suddenly.  I mean, one minute you're having a GREAT day and then it hits you like a ton of bricks.  Maybe not a ton of bricks, but it just keeps hitting you.  Like an ache in the side.  With no downtime or time to decompress.  

This morning I had a job interview, which just fell into my lap, and it went GREAT!! Probably the best job interview I ever had. I mean, I prayed hard and beloved friends prayed as well & sent good vibes by my way.  I was ecstatic! Afterwards I went to lunch with my sister and we even had pizza....so my day just got better.  

I came home and thought I'd work on my 'to do' list of emails, missing assignments & RS calling stuff.  Then I got text messages from a couple of my classmates.  One wanting me to post stuff on our Facebook page to notify the class members of what he wanted the class to bring tonight (he was leading the discussion).  Then another (called twice [sent to voicemail twice], then text) wanting to know what to bring to class.  And another (text, called & also sent to voicemail) probably wanting to get a ride to class or wanting to know what we were to do for class.   Yesterday, another classmate emailed me wanting to know what she should teach for her class (we have 2 classes on Thursday nights, in regards to BYU-I's Pathway).  Amidst the texts today, I was also getting texted from a mentor who was also reminding me of my grades & assignments.  I know it was being done out of love, but I just felt like I was getting hit from all directions.  

I can only carry so much.  I'm getting tired.  I just need room to breathe.  

So I decided not to go to class tonight.  I just couldn't handle it all anymore.  I'm tired of the millions of questions from my classmates.  

"What's due tonight?"  "Where can I find this assignment online?" "Do you know what the instructor wants us to do?"  "When is it due?"  "What's the font size & word count for the essay?"  "What should I teach?"  "Can I get a ride?"  "Is there anything due tomorrow?"  "How was the test?"   "Which folder can I find it in?"   "Do you know the answers to questions [so and so]?"  "Did you read the email from the instructor?"  "Did you do the readings?"  "What's the case study about?"  "Do you know if we have to post our threads tonight?"

I get tired of it.  I just wanna say, "LOOK FOR YOURSELF!!!!!".   Of course I know the answers to the questions above, but that was because I looked for myself! I spent two more minutes on it before I gave up like most others did.  I just didn't want to be bothered anymore. I couldn't handle it anymore.  I just wanted to turn my phone off and that's what I did.  

However, I ended up at Wal Mart with my sister because I wanted chocolate to somehow cheer up my spirit. Can I just say, NEVER GO TO WAL MART if you're having a bad moment.  It can just get worse!! UGH PEOPLE!!

So I had dinner.  Ate my chocolate.  And fell asleep.  It was nice.  VERY nice.  I'm still not in the best of moods.  I woke up and thought I'd pop my battery back in my phone.  Turned it on.  4 new emails and an inbox FULL of texts.......................*heavy sigh*.  "Where are you?" "Are you coming tonight?" "Why aren't you here in class?"  "Are you coming to volleyball?".  Only one was really welcomed, "How was your interview this morning?"  Thank you Nash. 

I took the battery back out.  Finished my chocolate.  And here I now sit.  I checked my Facebook for a few seconds--4 new emails & 13 notifications.  *deeeeeeeeeeeeep sigh*  I didn't check what the emails or notifications had to say. 

I've just been feeling so overwhelmed.  I had a bout with my Meniere's today.  I've been feeling it a lot more lately.  The stress level has been up lately.  With my Meniere's, I get fatigued more easily than others.  Whether stress is good or bad, it affects my Meniere's tremendously. (My doctor explained "good stress" as anticipation for a vacation--or in my case, the arrival home of dear ones). I'm thankful Nash had me over last night to visit teach me. It was a lovely dinner with her, her husband and their baby daughter that I adore.  It was nice to just breath and get away and not always be, "Ehu the student" or "Ehu the Relief Society president". I could just be, "Tia Ehu" and I was completely happy.

I don't know what to do.  Yes I pray, of course.  But man, I need some sort of relief.  I feel worn out.  But I can't because I've got a Relief Society activity on Saturday, then the stake YSA conference next weekend.  I just wish I had someone.  Someone to care for me.  Someone to lighten my load. I mean, I am so truly grateful for my sister.  She has been the biggest blessing in my life.  She's been my best friend, my confidante and sometimes my only family member.  I feel like I've been going at 100%, but it doesn't feel like enough.  I feel like I need to do more and be more.   I just don't know what to do.  I guess I wish I had a significant other because sometimes I just want to have someone to confide in.  Someone to hug me at the end of the day and say, "Thank you for all you do. I love you". My shoulders are only so big.  I'm trying to be a pillar of strength to all those around me, but I can only handle so much.   I feel like I have to up & running when I'm awake.   I have to be, "Ehu the only child who still gives a damn about church", "Ehu the good for nothing daughter that doesn't compare to her 2 cherished apostate brothers", "Ehu the cool & chill friend", "Ehu the fun Relief Society president", "Ehu the classmate that knows when everything is due", "Ehu who can listen to all problems under the sun", "Ehu the comedian", etc. 

I just wanna be Ehulani. 

  

Just walk it off.....

I never like getting overwhelmed and that's what happened last night. I forgot to NOT let it get to that point. It was just a lot to take in, in one day....a massive amount of homework on top of it too! I needed a way to handle it. Part of me wanted to punch a wall--not wise since I don't want a broken hand or a hole in a wall. So I went for a looooooooong walk. It was cold out, but it was refreshing. I walked up and down the hill near our house. It was just a GREAT way to clear my head, plus the exercise wasn't half bad. By the time I returned back to the house, I felt SO. MUCH. BETTER. !!! I think I've just found a new way to relieve stress. :)

Breathe Ehu, just breathe....