Thursday, August 10, 2017

The ride home tonight.

On the way home tonight, from visiting with my sister and niece, I broke down crying. I didn't cry much today and thought it was successful that I only cried once until the ride home.
It's still hard for me to drive through IB without thinking of where I used to live with them about 4 years ago and where they lived up until last year. It made me miss them as we passed that neighborhood and it made me think of my Dad. Slowly the water works started to happen. A few freeway exits later, I was full on sobbing. I told Levi that I don't think my heart will ever fully heal from this. I think my heart will forever feel like a chunk is missing. Some say that time heals wounds but I just don't feel like all the time in the world will heal this. It's only been about 1.5 days and it already feels like a very long time. I'm only 36 years old and I've got a very long time before I'll see him again. I can't wrap my head around it and my heart can't handle this separation. I want to talk to him. I want to hear his voice in return. I hate this. I hate this so much. I try to think of how I dealt with this when my Kuku & Tutu passed away 15 & 14 years ago. I miss hearing their voices. I miss conversing with them.  
I'm selfish because I just want my Dad here. I look at old photos and I wish I could have my Dad stand next to me again. I just want to hear his voice say my name again. 
As we were sharing stories at my sister's tonight, I just couldn't believe I forgot about my time spent with him on Friday (August 4). When I went into his room, after our road trip out to Vegas, he reached for my hand and slowly brought it up to his mouth. He kissed the back of my hand. I honestly don't remember much of my brief moment with him because I was sleep deprived and longing for a nap. 
Part of me wants to kick myself for not spending more time with him that day.  The more I think about it, I get angry at myself for all those missed opportunities. Then it makes me sad. It's such a vicious cycle when you're grieving. 
I feel like I've rubbed my face raw from the continuous crying. I just can't imagine this world without my Dad in it. I'm grateful I have an eternity with him. I'm going to need it. 

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