Being open & vulnerable.

Why do we allow ourselves to feel vulnerable with certain people? Why do we let them see our inner heart, expose ourselves to the very depth of possibly being hurt? I guess I do it because I like to freely speak my mind and hope that I can trust that person with my thoughts and feelings.  I don't want to be "guarded", I don't want to have to restrain myself.  I like it when I can trust someone enough to share myself with them. 
I sent Houston an email.
I apologized and shared my feelings, for him.
Do you know how gut wrenching it is, waiting and hoping for a response...a good response?
"Hope for the best, prepare for the worst", right?
To tell you the truth, I'm scared. I'm afraid of what the email might say. 
It might not be what I want, but at least I can walk away saying, "I tried" than to forever think, "Coulda, shoulda, woulda". 

Now, the wait.....

Regret.

It's not often that I feel regret. However, I've been feeling it a lot in the last few days.

I wish I could take back something I said. Something that was told to me in confidence, I ended up sharing with my own confidante. But it wasn't mine to share and I shouldn't have. I KNOW I shouldn't have. When my friend asked me about it this past weekend, I tried to lie and say that I didn't tell anyone. But I did. And immediately I confessed that I betrayed his trust and had lied about it just seconds before. I broke two of my own cardinal rules--I betrayed trust and was dishonest. Hypocrisy, dishonesty and regret are amongst the worst feelings in the world.

I felt lower than dirt. I still feel lower than dirt.

Although I apologized profusely to this friend, I still don't believe that he forgives me. I feel like things are different in our friendship. I'm pretty sure they are. Trust is not something given, it's something earned. I hope one day this friend forgives me and allows me to earn his trust back. Until then, my heart hurts...

"That's what friends are for...."

Friend –noun :
1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter:
3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile:

In the last couple of months, I have come to appreciate my very closest friends, especially my best friend. How many times have I called her up, without saying a word and she knew exactly what I needed: a drive down to the beach so I could just talk. I am thankful to those friends of my family who have stayed true to the very definition of 'friend'. It truly is one of life's blessings to have friends in whom we can trust, wholeheartedly. I have often thought about Job, from the Bible. When he lost just about EVERYTHING, the Book of Job says this about his three friends: "So they sat down with him upon the ground seven days and seven nights, and none spake a word unto him: for they saw that his grief was very great". That's one of my favorite passages from the scriptures. All his friends did was be there for him, they didn't say anything at all. They just sat with him. It makes me immensely grateful for those friends who have ever done that very act for me as well. I hope that I am and can be that very type of friend whenever I am called upon. Thank you friends.

Trust

I have a difficulty with trust. I don't usually like going out on a ledge and putting my trust in people. I always have a fear that I'll be hurt in the end, which usually ends up happening anways. I hate that. I know it's not good to 'hate', but I do truly hate getting hurt. I don't like sharing my innermost feelings a lot. And since I don't--I'm often perceived as being 'secretive'. I've trusted several people that were close to me but in the end I was burned. Sometimes I wonder if I should even trust people anymore. I'm glad for the small few that I've been truly able to open up to and trust wholeheartedly.