Sunday, July 13, 2014

The Truth of the Matter.

{disclaimer: a little long...}

A couple months ago, Levi and I decided that we just wanted to get married already, especially since we were approaching our 1 year anniversary of our engagement.  We were planning on having a small wedding here in San Diego, where we live, but the costs were always a lot more than we wanted.  We priced around at different venues and even did a cake tasting. (Oh how I loved Kona Kakes!!)  We didn't want to go into debt for a one day celebration.  However, we had a small window of time to work with.  My new job (since Feb) didn't allow my PTO until August 16 and his Fall semester for school starts on August 18 through December 15.  We didn't want to hold off until the end of his Fall semester in December because it would be too close to the Christmas holidays, too close to his Dad's recent wedding anniversary and too close to his January birthday.  Besides, we just wanted to get married and for months he had been (semi-jokingly/semi-seriously) teasing me about just going to Vegas.  He had lived there before, so I trusted his judgment as he addressed my concerns.  There was something fun, thrilling and romantic about just going off to get married, in Vegas.   

In late Maywe dropped all other wedding planning and decided we would elope to Vegas.  Wow, this was trippy!  It would all be happening so quickly.  The first thing we did was order our wedding clothes since they were being shipped from Hawaii.  I talked to my manager at work and explained the situation and she was cool with me making up time before and after our "trip".   We looked at where we'd want to stay and where we'd want to get married.  Everything started to snowball so quickly and by the 2nd week of June we were locked into where we were staying and where we'd be married at.   

The weekend we picked was in August, before his school started back up and just a couple weeks early before my PTO started.  It's a weekend that worked out perfectly for us.    It just so happened to be the weekend of my mom's extended family reunion, all of her cousins from her dad's side.  A lot of people I don't personally know or basically know in general.  I was asked on several occasions if I was planning on attending, but I declined because at first I didn't think I'd be able to ask for PTO.   Totally fine with me since I didn't want to spend my hard earned vacation time with people I didn't really know.  Sure my first cousins from Utah & Vegas would be there, but I could wait to see them once I had my PTO.  Plus, Vegas in August isn't my ideal combination.   However, it was decided, we were eloping to Vegas.  We'd be able to keep the costs down low and have a mini honeymoon.  Totally fine with us since our main objective was to get married sooner, than later...and cheaper than high priced.  Done! 

As the days passed by, Levi asked if I might want to reconsider not inviting family.  He figured that since there was already an extended family reunion going on that we'd want to invite them.  I couldn't have a wedding with extended family without having my sister, nephews & niece there.  There was no way in hell I would do that.  Lemme explain something,  when I say "sister" I consider her my immediate family.  The law, and several others, would define her as "ex-sister-in-law".  We have been through thick & thin and she will always be my sister.  Enough said.  I thought a lot about what this change in our wedding would mean.  I thought about the possible drama that might occur because some people would feel offended for not being invited.  The thought alone took a while to change my mind, but in the end I could see where Levi's optimistic idea would be  nice consideration.  Plus it wasn't fair to him because he should be able to have his family there, to witness this special event in his life.  We called our families, announced our plans for a very small wedding and made changes to our wedding package.  I warmed up to the idea and felt like this is the way we should have went in the first place.   

We contacted our wedding planner, made the upgrade and paid the fees.  I quickly ordered a small amount of invites and sent them out to our immediate family...well, I tried to.  It's been pretty hellacious at work, so by the time I'd come home, I was completely worn out and didn't give a second thought to any wedding planning or to-do lists.  Thankfully Levi's been such a big help with getting everything planned and corresponding with our wedding planners.  The package we upgraded to gave us a maximum  of how many we could invite.   It was going to be a very small wedding.  We wanted to invite our immediate families, and those that mean something to us as a couple.   I've been pretty blessed to have many close friends that I would consider family.  it's been very difficult trying to decide who to invite.  Luckily, I have many close people in my life that have been understanding during this invite process.  They've been nothing but considerate and full of happiness for Levi & me. 

Last Monday, I was talking with Levi, telling him how excited I was and how I want to scream it from the roof tops.  However, I wanted to keep our wedding private because I didn't want the onslaught of well intended questions that would come flooding in.  Examples: "Why didn't you tell me about your wedding? Where are you getting married?  What are you going to wear?  Who's going to be your maid of honor?  What does your dress look like?  Where are you going on your honeymoon?"  Basically things I've been asked during the course of our engagement and even before we got engaged.  I don't like telling stories (or answers) twice. Not that I'm not excited, I just don't like repeating myself.  Most of the time, I know the questions being asked are out of good intentions.  I didn't want to go blabbering it all over the place because I felt like it would be rubbing peoples' noses in it, those that weren't invited.   

The next day I had two phone calls, from two family members.  During those phone calls, I was basically told I was being selfish, and not thinking of others since I wasn't "inviting all of our cousins".  I was also asked why I didn't invite certain individuals from my family--individuals that I don't have a relationship with, nor do they really like me.  I think that's self explanatory when the person asking the question already knows that their spouse doesn't like me, so why would I invite that spouse?  Unfortunately this sibling of mine was led to believe that I only invited him because our parents would need a ride there.  No dear sibling, the reason you were invited is because we've been reconciling our relationship, you expressed an interest in meeting Levi and you happen to live in Vegas.  With those three things, why wouldn't I have invited you?  I'm bummed you choose not to be a part of my special day, but you have your reasons.

From the get go, we've told our family that we were having a very small wedding ceremony due to costs of the wedding package and wanting to take them all out to eat, afterwards.   One thing we always wanted from the beginning, is that we wanted family to come and enjoy the day with us.  We didn't want them to feel like they needed to contribute or bring/make anything for the wedding.  Heaven knows how many weddings I've been to where I had to put tables, chairs & food away.  I didn't want our families to have that same burden.  We just wanted them to show up and sit down, that's all.  Everything was taken care of,  we planned the wedding exactly how Levi & I wanted.  That's all that mattered, right?  We paid for it ourselves and took care of all the details, just as it should be for our wedding.  We wanted family and very close friends to be there to witness our wedding; those who want us to be happy, and who want to bring joy to our special day.  However, Tuesday evening I was told that I wasn't thinking of what my parents wanted or how it was rude to not have my "wedding at the family reunion and just hire somebody to marry [us]."  I was besides myself... I was being called selfish because I didn't take into consideration everyone else's thoughts, feelings & concerns for my wedding.   If we had a lot more money, sure we would have had a bigger wedding back in San Diego where we could invite everyone that we wanted.  However, let's remember our original plans of wanting to elope so we could keep the costs down.   Then upgrading it to include immediate family, thus spending more money.     

A lot of mean spirited things were said Tuesday evening and I am posting this blog to explain my side and my choices regarding my wedding.  Some will believe it, others will disregard it and continue feeling slighted.  I don't have the time or energy to concern myself with those slighted feelings.  The only thing I will apologize for is not being able to invite everyone we want to our wedding.  No one ever wants to say, "Sorry, we're broke, we could only afford a small wedding" but that's the truth of the matter.  Those who love us will truly understand and only wish the very best for us.  I can't ask anything more.  


Stephanie Gomez said...

Ehu, I don't feel like you should even have to post about this, but I love that you did. You have such a big heart and I know you would invite the world if you could, so it makes me sad that others would "call you out" like that. Te amo, hermanita! Enjoy YOUR day the way you want and can. :) Haters gon' hate! Hahaha

Ana said...

I love your idea of eloping! I know how hard it is to invite everyone and keep it under budget. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with people who are not thinking about what is right for you and Levi. Weddings are always hard and we can never please everyone. I'll be saying a little prayer that your day be filled with love and happiness. Wish I could just come over and give you a big hug. Take care!

Brandy said...

Just remember it's not about them, it's about the two of you committing your lives to one another. Enjoy your day/weekend! The rest is all little stuff in the end. Congrats--so happy my brother has found someone who appreciates what a good man he is! ♡♥♡

dmckenzie said...

This is the first time I have blogged so I can't think of a better person or one I love more to blog for.(is that correct to say)? My Dear you do what you want to do and ALWAYS ALWAYS remember that it is your day (and Chris can participate also) but no one has a right to tell,plead or beg their wants for YOUR day. You are loved by so many that everyone wants to be apart. But they can be by good wishes,happy cards,loving thoughts, and "I love your new husband". If not it will be their loss not yours. It only becomes your loss if you let them run or spoil the only wedding day you will have in a lifetime. Love from that old woman in Idaho.

Rainy Daze said...

Ehulani recently posted on some social networks about hers and Chris' upcoming wedding and how they chose a small one and weren't able to invite everyone that they would like to. I was impressed by the outpouring of love and support showered on them. Some asked if they could send gifts, etc and I thought this might be a good venue. Maybe we can help send them on a nice Honeymoon when time permits. Please check this link to donate.

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