Song of the Heart

Yesterday, in Fast & Testimony Meeting, a brother bore his testimony of the hymn, "I Am a Child of God", that was sung in the General Women's Meeting the evening before.  It was neat learning that Naomi W. Randall, who penned the words to this beautiful hymn, had a daughter in our ward. In Relief Society, we were given the challenge to think of a hymn through out the week, during times of happiness or sadness and anytime in between.  I love the hymns.  I love the hymns, "I Stand All Amazed" and "Have I Done Any Good?", but the one that touched my heart so much last night was, "I Am a Child of God".  

I love this hymn, I always have.  I remember when I was a young girl in Primary, I would cry every time we sang this song. It just made me so sentimental to think that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me. It also made me think of my parents that I loved so much and our home, all of which came from God.  I was probably about 4 or 5, but whenever we would sing it, I would walk over to my Mom (who was a Sr. Primary teacher) sobbing and wanting to be held. Instead, she would turn me right back around and send me back to my class row.  :(  {I think it was just her way of teaching me to grow up and be reverent...at least that's what I'm hoping}  I've always loved this song because I think it's such a simple way to know why we're here on this Earth and where we go after this life.   It's one of the first songs that are taught to Primary children.  How reassuring to know, at such an early age, that you have a Heavenly Father who loves you so much, that he would give you earthly parents to teach you everything you need to know in order to return back to Him.
I'm not gonna lie, I still tear up a bit whenever I sing this hymn.  These days, I like to think that this is the song I'll rock my sweet little babies to, as I put them to sleep.  I want my babies to know that they have a loving Heavenly Father who wants them to be good and learn & do all that they can, so they can return back to Him someday.  What a sweet message of hope and love!

I Am a Child of God

1. I am a child of God,

And he has sent me here,

Has given me an earthly home

With parents kind and dear.

Chorus

Lead me, guide me, walk beside me,

Help me find the way.

Teach me all that I must do

To live with him someday.

2. I am a child of God,

And so my needs are great;

Help me to understand his words

Before it grows too late.

3. I am a child of God.

Rich blessings are in store;

If I but learn to do his will,

I'll live with him once more.

4. I am a child of God.

His promises are sure;

Celestial glory shall be mine

If I can but endure.

Atelophobia.

Today, I read a friend’s blog and learned about Atelophobia. 

Atelophobia: the fear of not being good enough or imperfection. 

At the end of her blog entry, she said, “But I can’t be the only one who feels this way about things?”  I thought about leaving a comment, but in actuality, this has been a thought of mine for the last few weeks.
I am/was a people pleaser…it comes and goes.  I grew up with my Mom always being comparing me to my brothers, friends, family, & neighbors.  Countless times I heard the line, “I already had my two boys, it was him (my Dad) that wanted a girl.”  So I already knew I wasn’t good enough.  It’s taken a HUGE toll on my self confidence.  I try to hide it and I try to do my very best to never believe the trash that’s kicked my way. I try to “fake it til I make it”, but that’s not always a solution.  These days, I consider the source and kick that trash to the curb. I am a VERY good daughter, and the best my parents will EVER have! {even though I‘m the only one}
I use to worry if I was a good enough Mormon. I’d compare my “have not’s” with others’ “have’s”, in the way of callings, talents, and accomplishments. I was hard on myself, I needed to give a 1000% in ALL things.  Dude, that was too much.  I laid on that “Mormon guilt” real thick, too thick, on myself.  I know how much service my family gave to the church, so I felt like I too had to go down that same path.   People can get burnt out real fast and that’s what it became for me.  At one point I had 5 callings.  Too much!!!  Church became more work, than worship.   I’ve come to terms with it.  All I have to do is be good enough for myself and my God.  I don’t have to go to ALL the ward activities.  I don’t pass out pass-along cards every day.  If I don’t want to go to church and spend it outside on a gorgeous day, or with loved ones…then I don’t go.  Do I feel guilty about it?  Nope, not in the least bit.  Do I care what others think about what I do or don’t do in the way of church?  Nah.  Do I like diet Coke? You bet your ass I do!  Do I support friends in callings and tasks at church? Absolutely.  
Speaking of friends…thankfully, I have never felt like a failure when it came to friendships.  I truly love my friends, and I’m pretty certain that they love me back.  I have always tried to be a true and loyal friend.   I will always try to be the best friend possible, to all my friends. 
Although, lately, I’ve worried if I’m good enough for my sweetheart Levi.  I can never adequately describe how much happiness he has brought to my life, heart and soul.  He spoils me to no end with his unconditional love,  undivided attention, endless patience, immeasurable wisdom and unceasing sense of humor.  I couldn’t have been luckier and more blessed to find this man.  I always hope that I reciprocate all the happiness he brings me.  {Thankfully, he reassures me that I do…and you know what, I believe him.  I know I make him happy!}  BUT, I can’t always worry about this concern and any other concerns, it takes away from my happiness and joy.  Every minute of worry is 60 seconds of happiness I throw away. 

As much as I want to worry about not being “good enough”, it’s JUST. NOT. WORTH. IT.!!! 
Whose standard of “good enough” or “perfection” am I comparing myself to anyways?   I am not going to sell myself short anymore, in assuming my good isn’t good enough! Damnit, my good is not only good enough, it‘s GREAT! 
In the end, I just need to be perfectly ME: Random, late, loyal, loving, sarcastic, happy, wise, impatient, talented, witty, kind ME!  

Becoming.

*Sometimes, life gets hard: I forget that.

*Heavenly Father knows me & loves me: I forget that, too. 

*Do angels exist: Yes, they are in the form of my family & friends.

*Being humbled: is something that came soon after my last post.

*When the going gets tough, the tough gets going: This needs to be me.

*Will life get easier: No, but I'll become stronger.

.

On the BRIGHT side....

I don't like being negative or pessimistic. I try to be optimistic and hopeful. I know I fail at that sometimes.

As I was going thru my FML day today, I couldn't help but notice the lil glimmers of blessings around me:

• I'm grateful for parents who are willing and ready to help me and do whatever they can to help me. I don't notice how giving they are, a lot of the time, and I know that is my downfall. All I have to do is ask and they are ready to jump in and help. They're my parents for this life and the next... Thank God.
• My Sister is also very willing to help and let me know that "WE will get through it"--not "YOU can", but "WE will". That means a lot to me. I couldn't have been more blessed with a sister like her.
• While spending a good portion of the day on the phone, in the sun, I got a tan on my legs and feet. When I got home and took off my slippers, I noticed my new slipper tan. Those are always my favorite! Makes me think of Summer!
• As I was Downtown at the San Diego Police Department, I was fortunate to come across a particular officer who was at the service desk. He was a lil over 6' feet tall, probably half Mexican/Caucasian, buzzed hair, warm honey toned skin, his face was soft without any traces of a blemish, nice strong jaw, lovely pointed nose, a sweet endearing smile and a body that even a swimmer would envy. He was a [very much needed] tall drink of water!! GORGEOUS!! A definite sight for sore eyes. He was handsome and made me smile.
• I thought I was going to have to cancel my weekend plans with Montana, so I called him up. I wasn't too forthcoming with ALL of the details of my FML day, at first, because of the circumstances. I didn't need him worrying and stressing over it as well. He wasn't pleased that I was keeping a secret from him, but to be honest, it was a lil embarrassing to have to tell him what was going on. I could tell that he was genuinely concerned and wanted to help in anyway possible. Once I told him, he reassured me with a similar experience that he's had. He has a very wonderful way of reassuring me and making me feel better. I'm so grateful that I'll still be able to see him tomorrow. I can't wait!
• Got to spend the evening with my sister, nephew and niece. Had a wonderful evening at the park, eating pizza and then taking in a movie ["Limitless"--AWESOME!!]

I know that when life gets dark and dreary, there is still good in the world...

...that there aren't bad days, just bad moments...

...and that God is still mindful of us.