Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Atelophobia.

Today, I read a friend’s blog and learned about Atelophobia. 

Atelophobia: the fear of not being good enough or imperfection. 

At the end of her blog entry, she said, “But I can’t be the only one who feels this way about things?”  I thought about leaving a comment, but in actuality, this has been a thought of mine for the last few weeks.
I am/was a people pleaser…it comes and goes.  I grew up with my Mom always being comparing me to my brothers, friends, family, & neighbors.  Countless times I heard the line, “I already had my two boys, it was him (my Dad) that wanted a girl.”  So I already knew I wasn’t good enough.  It’s taken a HUGE toll on my self confidence.  I try to hide it and I try to do my very best to never believe the trash that’s kicked my way. I try to “fake it til I make it”, but that’s not always a solution.  These days, I consider the source and kick that trash to the curb. I am a VERY good daughter, and the best my parents will EVER have! {even though I‘m the only one}
I use to worry if I was a good enough Mormon. I’d compare my “have not’s” with others’ “have’s”, in the way of callings, talents, and accomplishments. I was hard on myself, I needed to give a 1000% in ALL things.  Dude, that was too much.  I laid on that “Mormon guilt” real thick, too thick, on myself.  I know how much service my family gave to the church, so I felt like I too had to go down that same path.   People can get burnt out real fast and that’s what it became for me.  At one point I had 5 callings.  Too much!!!  Church became more work, than worship.   I’ve come to terms with it.  All I have to do is be good enough for myself and my God.  I don’t have to go to ALL the ward activities.  I don’t pass out pass-along cards every day.  If I don’t want to go to church and spend it outside on a gorgeous day, or with loved ones…then I don’t go.  Do I feel guilty about it?  Nope, not in the least bit.  Do I care what others think about what I do or don’t do in the way of church?  Nah.  Do I like diet Coke? You bet your ass I do!  Do I support friends in callings and tasks at church? Absolutely.  
Speaking of friends…thankfully, I have never felt like a failure when it came to friendships.  I truly love my friends, and I’m pretty certain that they love me back.  I have always tried to be a true and loyal friend.   I will always try to be the best friend possible, to all my friends. 
Although, lately, I’ve worried if I’m good enough for my sweetheart Levi.  I can never adequately describe how much happiness he has brought to my life, heart and soul.  He spoils me to no end with his unconditional love,  undivided attention, endless patience, immeasurable wisdom and unceasing sense of humor.  I couldn’t have been luckier and more blessed to find this man.  I always hope that I reciprocate all the happiness he brings me.  {Thankfully, he reassures me that I do…and you know what, I believe him.  I know I make him happy!}  BUT, I can’t always worry about this concern and any other concerns, it takes away from my happiness and joy.  Every minute of worry is 60 seconds of happiness I throw away. 

As much as I want to worry about not being “good enough”, it’s JUST. NOT. WORTH. IT.!!! 
Whose standard of “good enough” or “perfection” am I comparing myself to anyways?   I am not going to sell myself short anymore, in assuming my good isn’t good enough! Damnit, my good is not only good enough, it‘s GREAT! 
In the end, I just need to be perfectly ME: Random, late, loyal, loving, sarcastic, happy, wise, impatient, talented, witty, kind ME!  


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