WEAKend Wedding.

I went to Montana's sister's wedding on Saturday. I wore my pretty pretty birthday dress, from last year and looked pretty spectacular! (You know how you look so pretty that you can feel it? That's how I felt.)  I showed up right when she was walking down the aisle, so I waited til the ceremony was over, to walk "in" (it was outside, overlooking the ocean--GORGEOUS!!) When I did walk in, they were in the middle of family photos, so I took a seat off to the side and struck up a conversation with the groom's best man's mom, Yolanda.  She was so kind and nice to me, a total stranger.  I told her that I was there with Montana and knew NO ONE.  She pointed out some key people that I would need to know, and we talked about other little things.  Seriously, I thought she was truly heaven sent!  

When Montana was finished with photos, he came over and he took me around to meet some of his family members--mostly extended family. I wanted to meet his immediate family first, which was his dad & his wife, his mom and sister (but she was obviously very preoccupied-so that was okay).  I basically had to ask him to introduce me to them, and even after we walked up to them, I still had to introduce myself to them.  SO LAME, right?!?!  I mean, this is the guy that was so excited for me to meet them, just weeks and days before....and now he was acting SOOOOOOOOOO WEIRD.  Days before the wedding, I told him that if he didn't feel comfortable with me meeting them so soon, then I didn't have to attend the wedding.  He insisted that it'd all be fine, but I'd be spending a majority of the time by myself until he could break away from wedding party. I completely understood that. 

We got some appetizers and walked around talking to his family & friends.  Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but he'd always stand a lil bit away from me and he hardly touched me.  He was called back to family photos and I rejoined my ol' friend Yolanda.  After his photos, he came over and we were all talking.  Then he told me that he was going off to go talk to some of his uncles & cousins.  

Me:"Um, ok, I guess I'll just sit and talk with Yolanda." 

Montana:"Are you sure?" 

Me:"Yeah, I'll be fine."

And off he went....... 

About ten minutes later, when I looked back to where he was at, he was talking to his dad & step-mom.  I didn't know if I should walk over and join them, but in the back of my mind I wondered why he didn't include me.  Oh well, Yolanda and her friends were pretty entertaining (the only upside to alcohol).  Montana came over just as we were to walk into the reception and said we'd be sitting with his dad & step-mom.  However, once we entered, his uncle pointed out which tables every one was to sit at. "FAMILY TABLE OVER HERE!  WEDDING PARTY HERE!! AND EVERYONE ELSE, HAVE A SEAT WHERE YOU WANT".  With that said, Montana took off to his 'wedding party' table and his dad & step-mom left to their table.....and I looked around and quickly found out that there weren't any open seats. I even asked Yolanda if she the chair next to her was available, it wasn't.  I felt a lil embarrassed, so I pretended to have a phone call, and immediately called my best friend, Bugs. 

Fifteen minutes into the phone call, I noticed the whole wedding party was outside taking more photos and were about to be introduced into the hall.  I was sitting outside, off to the side....I could see the wedding party, so I figured some of them could see me too.   I was pouring my heart out to my best friend, I felt so stupid being there.  I didn't feel like Montana really wanted me there after all.  At least he wasn't acting like it.  He was distant--physically, emotionally and mentally.  He had a cup of wine and as bad as this may be, I was trying to push another cup on him--he needed to relax or something?!  I wanted to just leave, but I felt that would be rude because I just met about all of his family members.  Bugs supported whatever I chose to do, but she knew that I would feel better about sucking it up, walking back inside and saying goodbye.  About 30 minutes into the phone call, I texted Montana, "I think I'm gonna take off."  No response (I texted him 10 minutes before the wedding started and he replied, so I knew that he had his phone on him.)  I continued talking to Bugs because I didn't know what to do.  At one point, I even walked to my car because I was SO tempted to leave, but I knew that was poor form.  I ended up talking to Bugs for more than an hour.  He never responded, he never came out to look for me--NOTHING.  

I felt terrible just leaving, so I walked back in, found him eating his dinner sitting with his uncle and a flower girl, rubbed his shoulder and said I had to take off.  He got up, gave me a weird hug and then offered to walk me to my car. I declined it because I just wanted to get away from him. I could feel the water works starting and didn't want him to see me crying.  I just couldn't stand to look at him.  I felt crushed and so insignificant.  He said, "Good-bye" to me and then patted both of my arms...and that was it.  It took EVERYTHING in me to smile, hold my head up high and walk out with the very little bit of dignity I had left. I felt terribly small and so unimportant.  I have never felt that before.  I wanted the earth to just open up and swallow me whole, because I just wanted to disappear.  I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and my heart crumble inside of my chest.  I had never felt that before.  I never want to feel that again.  Ever.  
I didn't hear from him til yesterday; 
6/5/11 @ 3:01pm: "I hope u had fun last night I am glad u came sweetie"
6/6/11 @ 12:38pm: "Did I do something wrong?"

Then we started texting tonight.......
Me: I think you and I need to talk. 
Him: Why what's up? Why are u no longer talking to me?
Me: Since Saturday, I've been trying to figure out why I came to the wedding.  
Him: Really? Are u serious?
Me: I'm not blowing up-I needed a couple days to think it over. I left feeling small & insignificant.  Did you not enjoy me being there?
Him: I luved u being there....I wanted to show u off... and I was crfuising too I wanted to show u off to everyone... [I have no idea what "crfuising" is suppose to be?!]
Me: You didn't seem comfortable with me there.
Him: Why?... I kept looking for u and could not find u... I figured u ditched me...
Me: I was on the phone for an hour crying to my best friend during the reception, got in my car to leave but sucked it up to come back and say goodbye.
Me: I sent you a text a half hour after sitting outside.  There was no where to sit in the reception.  You seemed distant and stiff. 
Him: That day was not about u... I think that is what u had an issue with... I need to think.... my phone was silent and I never got that text...
Me: Wow.  I completely understood that that day wasn't about me.  Wow, way to kick me down again. 
Him: Well get the picture! I wanted to show u off and u ditched me! People were asking about u and u did not want to be with me and as much as I tried u did not want to be with me...so yea... now I find out u think it was my fault. 
Me: I spent more time with Yolanda than I spent with you.  Way to make me feel like you really wanted to be with me. 
Him: I tried! U wanted to be with her!
Me: Well it's my fault, like usual.   
Him: Yea it is ur fault! Good job!


After his last text, I just felt small all over again.  Tears flooded my eyes and I started to cry.  I felt like that same woman on Saturday, feeling rejected and unimportant.  No one deserves to feel like this.  It's probably the worst way to allow someone to make you feel.  I'm speechless. I don't deserve to feel like this.  I would never have treated someone I invited to a party, like the way he treated me.  I wasn't expecting a royal treatment, but I would have made sure that the person I invited was comfortable and had someone they could at least talk to.  
I hate this feeling.  I never want to feel small and insignificant again.  

Thor/Montana/Cloning...in that order.

THOR: OH I LOVED IT!!!! We saw it in 3-D, wasn't quite necessary, but it was the only showing at that hour.  Man, Thor is HOT HOT HOT!!!! Those muscles, that voice...HOOOOOOOOT, SO HOT!!!  I can't wait til Captain America comes out!! OH MAN!! It just gets better!

MONTANA:  I loved spending time with him. I forget how much I like him when we haven't seen each other for a while.  It was so nice, I had a WONDERFUL time at the movies!

CLONING:  I've chosen to write my controversial paper on Cloning...as in FOR Cloning.  Oh yeah, that's gonna go over real well with my Mormon BYU-I instructor.  This topic came from a debate thread I had in a previous assignment. I had to choose to play 'devil's advocate' for a topic, and Cloning seemed like the least controversial, at the time.  With all the research I had to do for it, it became a topic that really sparked my interest!  Cloning isn't such a crazy idea, as most people would believe. There are SOME benefits to it.  I don't necessarily have to believe in the topic 100%, I just have to prove my point on paper (at least 2-3 pages), with good grammar and within MLA format....all by 10:55p PST. :]

TODAY: Homework, homework & more homework.

TOMORROW: Good things, several good things ♥

Friday Nite means.....

I'll be seeing Montana tonight. 
We're going to see:

in 3-D...I'm pretty stoked!!

Ok, now back to homework....lots and lots and lots of homework! 

Other than that....

Mr. Red: I've tried not to think about him.  I've tried to keep him at the furthest part of my mind.  That's the only way I wouldn't let the thought of him consume my every thought & worry for the next several months.  This week, that wasn't so easy.  On Sunday, as I was sitting next to Em, we were talking about Lincoln.  Then she brought up how "Oh, "Mr.Red" is WAAAAAAY better than him!! At least "Mr.Red" looks good when he's concentrating! "Lincoln" just looks mean! Besides, where is he??".  UGH!! I didn't need that.  SUUUUUUCK!! Then that's all I could think about during the rest of church.  I thought about his red tie.  I thought about the way he would comment in class and how smart he is. I thought about him.  Great... I was doing so well for the last month and now this?!? 

I went to the beach the other day.  As I was walking over to my favorite spot, I passed by his place.  Thoughts of him flooded my mind again.  I remembered the last time we watched a movie at his place.... The Saturday night conversation when I told him EVERYTHING....or the Tuesday night walk about when he shared more about himself.  GAAAAH!!! I didn't want to think about him at all, and now here he was in my thoughts this week.  I miss my friend.  

Montana: Super nice guy, who's such a man & does manly things! I don't know where we stand right now.  I don't want to crush his heart.  I'm just not feeling it.  He's already called me his 'girlfriend' to his family and they're looking forward to meeting me at his sister's wedding in about a month.  I don't want to go anymore.  I don't want to be fake and pretend or force feelings for someone I have no interest in, anymore.  He says he likes me A LOT and has feelings towards the L word. I once had feelings like that for him, but he lagged and I just grew away from him.  To be honest, I just see him as a repeat of my ex-fiance.   I don't know exactly what I want to do.  I just can't be the one to dump someone again.   Mama McK asked me if I told him of my goal of BYU-H.  I haven't.  I need to.  

Parents:  I had lunch with them today.  We talked about school. I haven't really  talked to them much in the last couple months.  They know the superficial stuff, but I keep them at a distance with the in-depth stuff.  I have my personal reasons.  Anyways, I was telling them about school and BYU-H.  My Dad didn't react the way I was expecting him to.  He was really supportive, as well as my Mom.  I thought they would have been antagonistic/pessimistic about the whole idea. They gave me some things to think about, but they were very open to the idea.  I told my Dad that I figured I'd focus on graduating from college since I'm not getting married anytime soon.....

Marriage: ...and that's when it became a reality.  I might not be getting married within my parents' lifetime.  Or even at all.  I think I've come to terms with it.  Of course I want to, but I'm not holding my breath on the idea anymore.  I need to and get to focus more on making the most out of MY LIFE.  I won't be sad anymore or think of it as something 'lost'.  I won't think of my life as not being full or happy because I don't have what my most of my friends have (ie: marriage, children).  My life will just be full and happy in a different way, and I'm okay with that.  All will be well.  

Me: June 4th.

I'm excited to be Montana's wedding date!

Not really excited to meet his family.

But I get to dress up, so that's fun enough!

I [heart] San Diego!!...and Montana dates!

Went out with Montana today....had so much fun!!

We went to eat at The Original Pancake House--where I was an IDIOT and ordered waffles.

(Don't EVER do that!! Their waffles were as good as Eggo waffles!! Me=IDIOT!!)

Then we went to hang out at the Old Point Loma Lighthouse & Cabrillo National Monument!

He's never been there before, so it was fun to share that with him. I had so much fun with him. We talked for a couple hours as we looked out over San Diego. I loved being there with him. He even climbed down a hill to get me the flower above. It was different than the rest of the flowers and I really wanted it. He's so kind like that! :)

All in all....such a WONDERFUL day!!

♥

Recap &....being the "Friends Zone" girl.

-Went out to brunch with Montana and then hung at the beach for a couple hours. It was very relaxing. Great way to spend a Saturday!! We didn't get to spend as much time together as we wanted to, because we both got little sleep the night before. Oh well.... it was still fun.

-I watched 2 talks from General Conference. I'm glad I listened to those two talks. I love Elder Holland & Pres. Monson. I'm listening to some talks as I type this. I can't wait for Conference issue of the Ensign to come out. Although I'm bummed I didn't get to listen to the choir. I do love the music of General Conference. I [heart] LDS.org.

-I can't believe finals are this week. I'm glad....and a lil nervous.

-Went to lunch with my ol' friend Giovanni. Good guy. I'm glad I have such great guy friends. I'm not excited over the fact that I have SO MANY guy friends. Somehow I ALWAYS get thrown into the "Friends Zone" with guys. :( It's a good and bad thing. Sometimes I wonder how that happens. Is it because I have 2 older brothers and 3 nephews that are more like younger brothers to me? Is it because I try not to be so emo and dramatic as some women tend to be? Is it because I try to be laid back, relaxed and use the word "Dude" a lot? Or because I don't look like the typical girly girl my guy friends would want to go out with? Sometimes I wonder that. I mean it's just my daily style. I like to wear slippers, board shorts and hoodies. I don't wear make up every day. I'm more of the relaxed style. No I don't look sloppy and I'm not a "beach bum". Yes I like dressing up from time to time, getting pedicures, wearing make up and all those girly girl things.....but to do it every day, I don't know about that.

Last week, while we were in class, I was sitting with all the guys. I had made a comment and then they realized that I was the only girl in their section. One of my friends said, "Well, I don't think you'd really get along with those girls over there. You're not really like them." What did that mean?? I'm friends with a couple of the girls, but then as I thought about it, I wouldn't really want to hang out with those girls anyways. I don't like talking TOO much about all the girly things. I rather just hang back and joke with the guys instead. Ugh.... this is like a never ending battle. Whatevers....I guess I'll always be "Ehu, the 'Friends Zone' girl". Oh well....

On the BRIGHT side....

I don't like being negative or pessimistic. I try to be optimistic and hopeful. I know I fail at that sometimes.

As I was going thru my FML day today, I couldn't help but notice the lil glimmers of blessings around me:

• I'm grateful for parents who are willing and ready to help me and do whatever they can to help me. I don't notice how giving they are, a lot of the time, and I know that is my downfall. All I have to do is ask and they are ready to jump in and help. They're my parents for this life and the next... Thank God.
• My Sister is also very willing to help and let me know that "WE will get through it"--not "YOU can", but "WE will". That means a lot to me. I couldn't have been more blessed with a sister like her.
• While spending a good portion of the day on the phone, in the sun, I got a tan on my legs and feet. When I got home and took off my slippers, I noticed my new slipper tan. Those are always my favorite! Makes me think of Summer!
• As I was Downtown at the San Diego Police Department, I was fortunate to come across a particular officer who was at the service desk. He was a lil over 6' feet tall, probably half Mexican/Caucasian, buzzed hair, warm honey toned skin, his face was soft without any traces of a blemish, nice strong jaw, lovely pointed nose, a sweet endearing smile and a body that even a swimmer would envy. He was a [very much needed] tall drink of water!! GORGEOUS!! A definite sight for sore eyes. He was handsome and made me smile.
• I thought I was going to have to cancel my weekend plans with Montana, so I called him up. I wasn't too forthcoming with ALL of the details of my FML day, at first, because of the circumstances. I didn't need him worrying and stressing over it as well. He wasn't pleased that I was keeping a secret from him, but to be honest, it was a lil embarrassing to have to tell him what was going on. I could tell that he was genuinely concerned and wanted to help in anyway possible. Once I told him, he reassured me with a similar experience that he's had. He has a very wonderful way of reassuring me and making me feel better. I'm so grateful that I'll still be able to see him tomorrow. I can't wait!
• Got to spend the evening with my sister, nephew and niece. Had a wonderful evening at the park, eating pizza and then taking in a movie ["Limitless"--AWESOME!!]

I know that when life gets dark and dreary, there is still good in the world...

...that there aren't bad days, just bad moments...

...and that God is still mindful of us.

Short Messy Hair: LOVE IT!!

(I HAD a blog post....went to post it and it disappeared. damnit.)

THURSDAY: I LOVE YOU!!

-Tonight I get to see some of my closest friends!! I LOVE Thursday night Volleyball!! So much fun!! Hopefully, Lincoln's there tonight. I'm stoked!!

-One more week of school....WOW!! Finals are next week. SCARY!! It's been a while since I've had to take Finals. I'm kinda nervous, not gonna lie!

-I started a new blog. I'm pretty excited about it! I love it!!

-I CAN'T wait to see Montana this weekend!! Oh I've missed him!! I talk to him every day, but that's not the same!! I just cant wait to spend the day with him. We're going out to breakfast to a place that I've been wanting to go to for a while--I LOVE LOVE LOVE Breakfast!! And then we'll spend the day at one of his favorite San Diego spots. I can't wait!!

-Today's San Diego forecast: 72 degrees!!! No clouds in the sky and just PERFECT for the beach!!

-I LOVE LOVE LOVE my short, straight hair!! I love that I can now spike it into a faux hawk. I love the confidence that it's brought. Such a blessing!! Yesterday, I was asked if I missed my long curly hair--NOT. AT. ALL.!!! I think I want to keep it this length for a while. Clearly, it hasn't messed up my social life. So to all those who say that men don't like women with short hair--HUGE MISCONCEPTION!!!

-Today, I LOVE life. I love my family. I love my friends. I love Pandora.com.

-I can't wait to go to the movies with my sister tomorrow. Last week we saw "Just Go With It". Tomorrow I think we're gonna see "Limitless". I'm pretty stoked! I forgot how much I enjoy watching movies. I think I've become addicted to movie popcorn and diet Coke. Jinkies!!

The official March 30, 2011 post.

I've had a lot on my mind lately. But for sake of time and doing my homework SOON.... We're gonna go a lil randi....

-I'm looking forward to this weekend. I know it's General Conference, but I've got something else going on. I guess I'm finally one of those Mormons who thinks it's a "vacation" from church. I'll read it all in the Ensign next month.

-I seriously LOVE Mama McK!! I love our Tuesday Afternoon Chats..... They make my whole week. I can feel her love for me. I couldn't have been more grateful for a mission call!! I'm so grateful to have her in my life.

-I CAN'T wait to see Montana this weekend. He's seriously such a caring guy. He's kind and patient and heaven knows that any man who deals with me NEEDS to have that.

-I've been listening to a lot of different music lately. I've fallen in love with The Script & Tenth Avenue North. Although I can't stop listening to Babyface's "Tonight It's Goin Down" & Lisa Stansfield "Never Gonna Give You Up".

-Basically my new favorite songs are:

Joy Williams - What Can I Do (But Love You)

Tenth Avenue North - By Your Side & Love is Here

One Republic - Secrets

The Script - I'm Yours & Talk You Down

Jaymay - Gray or Blue

Never Shout Never - I Love You 5

Snow Police - Every Car You Chase [mash up]

-I can't stop thinking about "Cubby".....or in other words, Mr. Monday Night. SUCH A DANG CUTIE!!! And I LOVE LOVE LOVE the fact that he looks Caucasian but he's TOTALLY Mexican!! When he speaks Spanish, it just sounds soooooooooo beautiful rolling off of his tongue. My goodness, he's just HOT!! But I love our conversations. We talk about traveling the world, history, food, culture, religions...it's quite intriguing. He's quite intriguing ;)

-I n e e d t o t a k e a s h o w e r.

-I need some change in my life. Like GOOD change, not the same crummy change that's gone on in my life for the last year or so. I want something GOOD & DIFFERENT.

-My friend Ash just told me that Blue Bunny Ice Cream now makes a "RED VELVET ICE CREAM". I NEED TO FIND THIS HEAVENLY GOODNESS!! ASAP!!

-I need to start on my homework. One more week of school...wow.

The typical "I should be doing my homework" posts....

-I love listenin to Israel "Iz" Kamakawiwo'ole...especially while I do homework. So relaxing!

-I can't wait to get married so I can take pictures like this:

(just look at their faces!! It's all too hilarious and ridiculously funny!! I LOVE IT!!)

-I guess I'm going to my friend's bday bbq tomorrow.....ugh. I'll be going with my 18 yr old nephew who also happens to be his friend. Well, at least I'm not going stag, right?

-I want to travel the world. I'm tired of saying "...from what I've heard". I want to say, "Yeah, I know, I've been there!". Santorini... Tahiti... Auckland... Dubai...Vienna... Giza... oh the world!

-I'm excited to see Montana next weekend! :) He certainly makes me smile.

-I love reading about Amulek and Alma in the Book of Mormon. I forget how much I love reading the Book of Mormon until I'm actually doing it.

-I don't miss Mr. Red as much anymore. I'm glad.

-I should really get started on my homework....

The "Chips Ahoy cannot be breakfast" post.

Soooooo......

1. Montana...oh Montana. Such a sweet guy!! I'm amazed when someone actually likes me. I mean, beyond the point of "You're such a cool friend". I just wish he didn't live so far. I know 45 minutes is not far, but it is when you want to see that person, A LOT.

2. I think I'm coming down with a cold.....from Montana. He woke up sick yesterday and I woke up sick today. No bueno. I've got lunch with an old friend today, so I'm TRYING to get feeling better by 1pm.

3. Today is Buddy's first Volleyball game. I'm so excited for him!!! I can't wait to watch it!! He's such a cool kid!! I can't help but love him just as much as he frustrates me.

4. Not too sure why I'm numbering all of these randimonium lines.

5. Hung out with Beemer last night. Really nice guy. Fun times. So we'll see what happens with him. Yes I still like Montana, but Beemer lives so much closer. Hey, I haven't committed myself to either, so I'm just having fun for now.....

6. I saw Hermanita's Mama last night. Oh I miss Hermanita so much, but I love her family!

7. Happy Monday!!

The "I did my homework and went on a date" blog post.

I had a wonderful time tonight....ok, ok, a really REALLY great time.

Montana was just as great and wonderful as he has been the last several times we've talked. It was so nice spending time with him in person.

We went to La Bella's and I had the Manicotti and he ordered the Chicken Fettucini Alfredo (I really wanted that but I thought it'd be odd to get the same thing.). He ate fast and was finished before I was even half way finished. He ended up watching me eat. I wasn't necessarily nervous or self conscious...I just kept wondering what was going thru his mind. He was so cute when the check came, I asked him how much it was while I pulled my wallet out. While still holding the bill he said, "I don't remember" and handed it over with his credit card to our server.

I excused myself to the restroom to wash my hands and freshen up my lip gloss. As we were walking out of the restaurant, he stopped me to kick a paper towel from my shoe :-/ The funny thing is that I wasn't embarrassed at all, nor did he make a big deal out of it.

We left and drove over the Coronado Bridge to the Ferry Landing. We talked for a while and it was great getting to know him. He's such a sweet guy. The whole time he kept worrying if I liked him--TOO. CUTE.!!! Usually, I'm the worry wart, so it was nice to see a man doing the worrying this time around.

Montana's such a wonderful man, totally sweet and generous! We talked about going out again, but since he lives about 45 minutes from me, it's a little difficult...especially with his work hours. We talked about going out next weekend, but we'll see since I've got several plans already. I can't wait to see him again, seriously SOOOOOOOOOOOOO SWEET!!!