Man... Sometimes, there are moments when you're completely overwhelmed and it comes up suddenly. I mean, one minute you're having a GREAT day and then it hits you like a ton of bricks. Maybe not a ton of bricks, but it just keeps hitting you. Like an ache in the side. With no downtime or time to decompress.
This morning I had a job interview, which just fell into my lap, and it went GREAT!! Probably the best job interview I ever had. I mean, I prayed hard and beloved friends prayed as well & sent good vibes by my way. I was ecstatic! Afterwards I went to lunch with my sister and we even had pizza....so my day just got better.
I came home and thought I'd work on my 'to do' list of emails, missing assignments & RS calling stuff. Then I got text messages from a couple of my classmates. One wanting me to post stuff on our Facebook page to notify the class members of what he wanted the class to bring tonight (he was leading the discussion). Then another (called twice [sent to voicemail twice], then text) wanting to know what to bring to class. And another (text, called & also sent to voicemail) probably wanting to get a ride to class or wanting to know what we were to do for class. Yesterday, another classmate emailed me wanting to know what she should teach for her class (we have 2 classes on Thursday nights, in regards to BYU-I's Pathway). Amidst the texts today, I was also getting texted from a mentor who was also reminding me of my grades & assignments. I know it was being done out of love, but I just felt like I was getting hit from all directions.
I can only carry so much. I'm getting tired. I just need room to breathe.
So I decided not to go to class tonight. I just couldn't handle it all anymore. I'm tired of the millions of questions from my classmates.
"What's due tonight?" "Where can I find this assignment online?" "Do you know what the instructor wants us to do?" "When is it due?" "What's the font size & word count for the essay?" "What should I teach?" "Can I get a ride?" "Is there anything due tomorrow?" "How was the test?" "Which folder can I find it in?" "Do you know the answers to questions [so and so]?" "Did you read the email from the instructor?" "Did you do the readings?" "What's the case study about?" "Do you know if we have to post our threads tonight?"
I get tired of it. I just wanna say, "LOOK FOR YOURSELF!!!!!". Of course I know the answers to the questions above, but that was because I looked for myself! I spent two more minutes on it before I gave up like most others did. I just didn't want to be bothered anymore. I couldn't handle it anymore. I just wanted to turn my phone off and that's what I did.
However, I ended up at Wal Mart with my sister because I wanted chocolate to somehow cheer up my spirit. Can I just say, NEVER GO TO WAL MART if you're having a bad moment. It can just get worse!! UGH PEOPLE!!
So I had dinner. Ate my chocolate. And fell asleep. It was nice. VERY nice. I'm still not in the best of moods. I woke up and thought I'd pop my battery back in my phone. Turned it on. 4 new emails and an inbox FULL of texts.......................*heavy sigh*. "Where are you?" "Are you coming tonight?" "Why aren't you here in class?" "Are you coming to volleyball?". Only one was really welcomed, "How was your interview this morning?" Thank you Nash.
I took the battery back out. Finished my chocolate. And here I now sit. I checked my Facebook for a few seconds--4 new emails & 13 notifications. *deeeeeeeeeeeeep sigh* I didn't check what the emails or notifications had to say.
I've just been feeling so overwhelmed. I had a bout with my Meniere's today. I've been feeling it a lot more lately. The stress level has been up lately. With my Meniere's, I get fatigued more easily than others. Whether stress is good or bad, it affects my Meniere's tremendously. (My doctor explained "good stress" as anticipation for a vacation--or in my case, the arrival home of dear ones). I'm thankful Nash had me over last night to visit teach me. It was a lovely dinner with her, her husband and their baby daughter that I adore. It was nice to just breath and get away and not always be, "Ehu the student" or "Ehu the Relief Society president". I could just be, "Tia Ehu" and I was completely happy.
I don't know what to do. Yes I pray, of course. But man, I need some sort of relief. I feel worn out. But I can't because I've got a Relief Society activity on Saturday, then the stake YSA conference next weekend. I just wish I had someone. Someone to care for me. Someone to lighten my load. I mean, I am so truly grateful for my sister. She has been the biggest blessing in my life. She's been my best friend, my confidante and sometimes my only family member. I feel like I've been going at 100%, but it doesn't feel like enough. I feel like I need to do more and be more. I just don't know what to do. I guess I wish I had a significant other because sometimes I just want to have someone to confide in. Someone to hug me at the end of the day and say, "Thank you for all you do. I love you". My shoulders are only so big. I'm trying to be a pillar of strength to all those around me, but I can only handle so much. I feel like I have to up & running when I'm awake. I have to be, "Ehu the only child who still gives a damn about church", "Ehu the good for nothing daughter that doesn't compare to her 2 cherished apostate brothers", "Ehu the cool & chill friend", "Ehu the fun Relief Society president", "Ehu the classmate that knows when everything is due", "Ehu who can listen to all problems under the sun", "Ehu the comedian", etc.
I just wanna be Ehulani.
