Today didn't start out as I would have liked it. That's the second week in a row now. But I'm really glad that there was a silver lining to my 'dark' cloud of a day.
I got to hang out with some of my dearest friends, play the piano that I've missed lately and I even got to talk with Mr. Red...
But I think I was a bit awkward & idiotic around him. He came over to talk to me because he was wondering where I was. We talked for a while and then it was just silent....as he continued to stand in front of me. It wasn't an awkward silence, but I just didn't feel comfortable not saying anything while he stood in front of me. I don't know why it was so weird for me tonight? We talk and text, so why was this so different to me. I guess it's because I haven't seen him for about 2 weeks...and I was just happy to see him again in real life. I don't want to like him. I mean, I do...but I can't. I like being his friend. I'm not ready for my heart to go thru hurt and sadness again. I hate that feeling, being vulnerable and hopeful all at once. I love talking with him and being able to always be open and brutally honest with him. Am I developing a 'crush' on him??? Ugh, I think I am. I feel myself getting shy and quiet around him. I can't like him...Besides, today I found something very fitting for my life:
"I can't love, shot full of holes
Don't feel nothing, I just feel cold
Don't feel nothing, just old scars
Toughening up around my heart." -Elton John
It's safer if I don't like him, or anyone else. I'm not ready to have my heart stomped on. I'm tired of my poor heart going through the ringer. Besides, Mr. Red and I are friends...we'll only ever be friends.
