This has been on repeat the last couple of days....
I've had a lot on my mind lately. Sometimes, TOO much. Poor Hermanita's ending up with a 5 page letter because I've kinda unloaded it all on her. I mees her so much! I mees my bestest friend who lives out east. I'm so grateful for my dear friends. Seriously, I know I say that all the time, but I mean it every single time. I've got the greatest friends!
So I told him. It went ...ok. I mean, nothing GREAT came of it and we're still friends so I guess that's a good sign, right? We still act the same way as before and that's always a plus...I think?
Yesterday, I asked several friends why do we love deeply and allow ourselves to be vulnerable? I got the same 2 responses:
1. Because we hope to receive the same love in return.
2. Because Christ did it, so should we.
It's scary sharing your feelings sometimes. Usually it can go in two directions--either REALLY good or REALLY bad. The last couple times this has happened, I've landed right in the middle. At that point, I almost wish I never said anything because nothing good REALLY came of it.
So I Googled, "To love deeply" and this was one of the results:
One of my very favorite reflections from Henri Nouwen is “Love Deeply,” found in his book “The Inner Voice of Love.” This beautiful meditation reminds me to continue to love and to be vulnerable enough to receive love, even if it means rising rejection and hurt, even as I feel an emptiness in my soul, a void in my heart, which makes me want to build barriers to keep everyone out. Here it is:
Read more: http://blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue/2009/01/henri-nouwen-love-deeply.html#ixzz1W7jAbjLrDo not hesitate to love and to love deeply.
You might be afraid of the pain that deep love can cause. When those you love deeply reject you, leave you, or die, your heart will be broken. But that should not hold you back from loving deeply. The pain that comes from deep love makes your love ever more fruitful. It is like a plow that breaks the ground to allow the seed to take root and grow into a strong plant. Every time you experience the pain of rejection, absence, or death, you are faced with a choice. You can become bitter and decide not to love again, or you can stand straight in your pain and let the soil on which you stand become richer and more able to give life to new seeds.
The more you have loved and have allowed yourself to suffer because of your love, the more you will be able to let your heart grow wider and deeper. When your love is truly giving and receiving, those whom you love will not leave your heart even when they depart from you. They will become part of your self and thus gradually build a community within you.
Those you have deeply loved become part of you. The longer you live, there will always be more people to be loved by you and to become part of your inner community. The wider your inner community becomes, the more easily you will recognize your own brothers and sisters in the strangers around you. Those who are alive within you will recognize those who are alive around you. The wider the community of your heart, the wider the community around you. Thus the pain of rejection, absence, and death can become fruitful. Yes, as you love deeply the ground of your heart will be broken more and more, but you will rejoice in the abundance of the fruit it will bear.
I don't know want to do it. I don't think I can. Not anymore. I'm done putting my heart out there and getting nothing in return. It's scary and I don't like suffering that hurt and emptiness. I just can't do it anymore. I don't want to wear my heart on my sleeve anymore. My poor heart, it doesn't deserve this. I rather be guarded from now on. My true self and tender feelings saved for a very select few, or maybe just no one at all.
I wish I could take back this week. Actually, I wish I could take back the last couple weeks when I allowed myself to see otherwise and read too much into things. The stupid thing, is that I asked him out on a date for my birthday weekend, to one of my favorite dessert spots. Honestly, that's all I wanted to do for my birthday. Now, I'm not so sure. I think I'm just going to cancel with him. Why get my hopes up for something that'll end up just being a disappointment. Oh well, another birthday down the drain.... what else is new? I don't know why I continue celebrating my birthday, in one way or another they just suck. Especially this year, with the 10th anniversary of the September 11 attacks.
Hmph... oh well. I tried. I failed. I'm done.
