I hate when I'm so damn overwhelmed and frustrated. When the water works start and can't stop, for a while.
I'm just so damn frustrated today. I'm coaching the young women from my family ward (congregation) for their Volleyball season. I started doing that about 12 years ago. Girls from my first few Vball teams are now married and working on/already have 2 children now. Even girls from my old "Achievement Days" (8-12 year olds) from before my mission, are now getting married. In fact, I just got an invite for one of them a couple days ago. I look around and it seems like all my friends are getting married, having children and working on their families.
I love a man that will ONLY ever think of me as a friend. That hurts. I almost rather not have him in my life at all then. Hell, I can't even get a boyfriend, let alone a husband. I'm so tired of my life feeling stagnant.
I went by my friend Reed's house today. I was outside playing with her lil girls. Her youngest wanted to sit in my lap to warm up. As she snuggled into me, I kept thinking, "I'll probably never have the blessing of my own children".
This very second, as I try to type this, I'm crying and tearing up so badly. Am I asking too much to get married in this lifetime? Apparently I am. I miss being in a relationship. I miss having someone to hold and say, "I love you" and NOT mean it in a friendly way. I want to have someone I can trust and be vulnerable with. I hate being alone.... and life is really looking like it's gonna be like that.
