WEAKend Wedding.

I went to Montana's sister's wedding on Saturday. I wore my pretty pretty birthday dress, from last year and looked pretty spectacular! (You know how you look so pretty that you can feel it? That's how I felt.)  I showed up right when she was walking down the aisle, so I waited til the ceremony was over, to walk "in" (it was outside, overlooking the ocean--GORGEOUS!!) When I did walk in, they were in the middle of family photos, so I took a seat off to the side and struck up a conversation with the groom's best man's mom, Yolanda.  She was so kind and nice to me, a total stranger.  I told her that I was there with Montana and knew NO ONE.  She pointed out some key people that I would need to know, and we talked about other little things.  Seriously, I thought she was truly heaven sent!  

When Montana was finished with photos, he came over and he took me around to meet some of his family members--mostly extended family. I wanted to meet his immediate family first, which was his dad & his wife, his mom and sister (but she was obviously very preoccupied-so that was okay).  I basically had to ask him to introduce me to them, and even after we walked up to them, I still had to introduce myself to them.  SO LAME, right?!?!  I mean, this is the guy that was so excited for me to meet them, just weeks and days before....and now he was acting SOOOOOOOOOO WEIRD.  Days before the wedding, I told him that if he didn't feel comfortable with me meeting them so soon, then I didn't have to attend the wedding.  He insisted that it'd all be fine, but I'd be spending a majority of the time by myself until he could break away from wedding party. I completely understood that. 

We got some appetizers and walked around talking to his family & friends.  Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but he'd always stand a lil bit away from me and he hardly touched me.  He was called back to family photos and I rejoined my ol' friend Yolanda.  After his photos, he came over and we were all talking.  Then he told me that he was going off to go talk to some of his uncles & cousins.  

Me:"Um, ok, I guess I'll just sit and talk with Yolanda." 

Montana:"Are you sure?" 

Me:"Yeah, I'll be fine."

And off he went....... 

About ten minutes later, when I looked back to where he was at, he was talking to his dad & step-mom.  I didn't know if I should walk over and join them, but in the back of my mind I wondered why he didn't include me.  Oh well, Yolanda and her friends were pretty entertaining (the only upside to alcohol).  Montana came over just as we were to walk into the reception and said we'd be sitting with his dad & step-mom.  However, once we entered, his uncle pointed out which tables every one was to sit at. "FAMILY TABLE OVER HERE!  WEDDING PARTY HERE!! AND EVERYONE ELSE, HAVE A SEAT WHERE YOU WANT".  With that said, Montana took off to his 'wedding party' table and his dad & step-mom left to their table.....and I looked around and quickly found out that there weren't any open seats. I even asked Yolanda if she the chair next to her was available, it wasn't.  I felt a lil embarrassed, so I pretended to have a phone call, and immediately called my best friend, Bugs. 

Fifteen minutes into the phone call, I noticed the whole wedding party was outside taking more photos and were about to be introduced into the hall.  I was sitting outside, off to the side....I could see the wedding party, so I figured some of them could see me too.   I was pouring my heart out to my best friend, I felt so stupid being there.  I didn't feel like Montana really wanted me there after all.  At least he wasn't acting like it.  He was distant--physically, emotionally and mentally.  He had a cup of wine and as bad as this may be, I was trying to push another cup on him--he needed to relax or something?!  I wanted to just leave, but I felt that would be rude because I just met about all of his family members.  Bugs supported whatever I chose to do, but she knew that I would feel better about sucking it up, walking back inside and saying goodbye.  About 30 minutes into the phone call, I texted Montana, "I think I'm gonna take off."  No response (I texted him 10 minutes before the wedding started and he replied, so I knew that he had his phone on him.)  I continued talking to Bugs because I didn't know what to do.  At one point, I even walked to my car because I was SO tempted to leave, but I knew that was poor form.  I ended up talking to Bugs for more than an hour.  He never responded, he never came out to look for me--NOTHING.  

I felt terrible just leaving, so I walked back in, found him eating his dinner sitting with his uncle and a flower girl, rubbed his shoulder and said I had to take off.  He got up, gave me a weird hug and then offered to walk me to my car. I declined it because I just wanted to get away from him. I could feel the water works starting and didn't want him to see me crying.  I just couldn't stand to look at him.  I felt crushed and so insignificant.  He said, "Good-bye" to me and then patted both of my arms...and that was it.  It took EVERYTHING in me to smile, hold my head up high and walk out with the very little bit of dignity I had left. I felt terribly small and so unimportant.  I have never felt that before.  I wanted the earth to just open up and swallow me whole, because I just wanted to disappear.  I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and my heart crumble inside of my chest.  I had never felt that before.  I never want to feel that again.  Ever.  
I didn't hear from him til yesterday; 
6/5/11 @ 3:01pm: "I hope u had fun last night I am glad u came sweetie"
6/6/11 @ 12:38pm: "Did I do something wrong?"

Then we started texting tonight.......
Me: I think you and I need to talk. 
Him: Why what's up? Why are u no longer talking to me?
Me: Since Saturday, I've been trying to figure out why I came to the wedding.  
Him: Really? Are u serious?
Me: I'm not blowing up-I needed a couple days to think it over. I left feeling small & insignificant.  Did you not enjoy me being there?
Him: I luved u being there....I wanted to show u off... and I was crfuising too I wanted to show u off to everyone... [I have no idea what "crfuising" is suppose to be?!]
Me: You didn't seem comfortable with me there.
Him: Why?... I kept looking for u and could not find u... I figured u ditched me...
Me: I was on the phone for an hour crying to my best friend during the reception, got in my car to leave but sucked it up to come back and say goodbye.
Me: I sent you a text a half hour after sitting outside.  There was no where to sit in the reception.  You seemed distant and stiff. 
Him: That day was not about u... I think that is what u had an issue with... I need to think.... my phone was silent and I never got that text...
Me: Wow.  I completely understood that that day wasn't about me.  Wow, way to kick me down again. 
Him: Well get the picture! I wanted to show u off and u ditched me! People were asking about u and u did not want to be with me and as much as I tried u did not want to be with me...so yea... now I find out u think it was my fault. 
Me: I spent more time with Yolanda than I spent with you.  Way to make me feel like you really wanted to be with me. 
Him: I tried! U wanted to be with her!
Me: Well it's my fault, like usual.   
Him: Yea it is ur fault! Good job!


After his last text, I just felt small all over again.  Tears flooded my eyes and I started to cry.  I felt like that same woman on Saturday, feeling rejected and unimportant.  No one deserves to feel like this.  It's probably the worst way to allow someone to make you feel.  I'm speechless. I don't deserve to feel like this.  I would never have treated someone I invited to a party, like the way he treated me.  I wasn't expecting a royal treatment, but I would have made sure that the person I invited was comfortable and had someone they could at least talk to.  
I hate this feeling.  I never want to feel small and insignificant again.