Monday: On My Mind.

Work has been pretty busy...VERY busy.  Unfortunately, my team at work has shrunk. A week ago, there were 7 of us.  Today, there were only 5...but there's work enough for 20.  To say we're 'swamped' would be an understatement!  I feel like all I do, Monday - Friday is wake up, WOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRK, drive in traffic & veg until bedtime.  I'm just drained and the fun has evaporated since the workload has been enormous lately.  I'm grateful for Tina & Chuy because man, we've been slammed the last few days and sometimes I just wanna scratch my eyes out...........but then we joke around and shoot rubber bands and then all is well (until the phone rings)

Other things on my mind....
Sometimes I wonder why certain siblings read my blog.  Honestly, I'd rather they didn't.  I don't want to be a part of their lives, and I sure as hell don't want them to be a part of mine... so there's really no need to read about my life.  We're just way too different and have nothing remotely in common with each others' lives.  The last time I had a conversation with one of my brothers, all he did was rain on my parade for my upcoming wedding.  It's like that was his whole agenda that day; to make me feel guilty for not inviting everyone that HE thought should be invited.  I'm just done.  I don't need that negative, egocentric attitude in my life anymore, ever again.  Goodbye Wayne. 

Other than that....  I am loving life!  Yeah work gets rough and challenging sometimes, but I couldn't be more grateful to have this great job and work with such great friends.  I love my husband with all of my heart.  He makes everyday a million times better!  I love the peace and calm that my home offers me.  It's quiet and relaxing.  He makes our home a safe haven from the crazy, tumultuous world.  I love it.  I can't wait til we get all of our wedding photos back so we can start hanging them on the walls.  I love them!  I'm stoked for my upcoming birthday.  I think I'm even more stoked for Labor Day and the 3 day weekend I get to sleep in.  Oh blessed be, I cannot wait!!!

These boots were made for.....me!

Dear Santa,

I want these.

It's not a need, but they sure do look pretty.

Love, 

Ehu

I ducked into Payless on Saturday, and came across these lil beauties.  I jokingly told Levi that I wanted to wear cowboy boots to an upcoming wedding we're to attend, since it sounded like there's a theme.  I didn't think I'd actually come across a pair of boots in my size!!! Seriously, I think they're cute! and oh so random for a Poly girl to wear! 

They remind me a lot of the boots I had as a lil girl.  I remember how much I loved those boots, I wore them all the time.  They were such a hassle to put on and most especially to take off!  I remember when I was in first grade, I'd come home and my Mom would have my brother Wayne pull them off my feet.  I'd have to lay down on the floor, and he'd have to tug at them for a while til they finally came off my feet.  I don't think I enjoyed that part so much, but I do recall wearing those boots ALL the time.  

It's funny the lil memories that come flooding back, just by a pair of shoes......or cowboy boots

Randomosity...

-Dude, today is a very rough morning. Dangit, I meant rough Monday!  I wanted to stay in bed for another 3 hours.  I went to bed early and everything, but man, I was NOT ready for today!

-The first email I read this morning, was a blog comment, from my brother.  It was straight outta left field.  I thought one of my cousins was tryin to play a trick on me or something.  It's really unexpected.  It's nice, just quite a surprise.

-I finally got around to deactivating my Facebook today.  I just got to the point that I was tired of all the same ol' posts from friends.  I'm tired of certain people on my friend's list.  It was more of a nuisance....so for the time being, it's deactivated.  Whether it's for 1 week, 1 month or 1 year, we'll see.  Besides, I have a phone, people can call or text if they REALLY want something.  

-I had a salad with my lunch today and man, it was oh so delicious!!  It was just a simple iceberg, cucumber & tomato salad, but it was just so GOOD!! Man, I need to start eating more salads if I'm this happy about fresh veggies.

-Dude, it's 4pm......this day is just flying by, considering I started this blog at 9:30ish AM!  Wowzers!

-And now it's 4:39pm........ok, I think that's all I have to blog about today.  Man, I'm so ready for bed. 

Brothers.

For the last week, the thought of my brothers have weighed heavy on my mind. I have two older brothers; Dave is 17 years my senior, and then there's Wayne, who is 11 years older.  Growing up, I was closer to Wayne because he was a lil closer in age, and our birthdays are a day apart.  He always made me laugh and was just fun to be around.  Eventually, my relationship with Dave grew and he became like second Dad to me.  I was very grateful for the overprotective natures of my older brothers.
When I was 16, Wayne moved out and then got married.  It wasn't the most agreeable situation of which the marriage took place, but I tried to support my brother. Eventually, our relationship changed and we grew very distant. About 3.5 years ago, my relationship with my oldest brother changed extremely. Because of that, it also affected my relationship with Wayne.  Now, my brothers and I are estranged from each other. We don't necessarily agree with each others' lives and choices.
This past week, I dreamt that my sister was getting remarried and my brothers were there at her reception.  I saw my brother Wayne and wanted to talk with him. I approached him and tried to talk to him, but he kept backing away. He pulled out nunchucks and wanted to use them on me. I just wanted to talk to him, and try to reconnect. Unfortunately, we didn't get to talk and I woke up. Two nights ago, I had a dream that my brother Dave and I were in a kitchen, sitting down at the table. I tried to reach out to him, so we could talk, but he pulled away. I wanted to talk because I wasn't happy with what our relationship had turned into. He didn't want to talk, and he wasn't the same brother I had known--which felt very similar to real life.  Again, I tried to talk with him but he didn't budge.
I miss my brothers. I miss who they were. They're foreign to me now.  Our lives are unknown to each other.  I don't know if and when I'll talk to them again. I think there's too much hurt and pride in the way for us to communicate with each other.  It's unfortunate.  Perhaps Dave is hurt that I decided to stick by my sister [ex sister-in-law] after he made certain choices.  I've told my Mom that I miss my brothers, because I know she still has a relationship with them.  However, I don't know if that'll really make a difference between my brothers us I.  I'm thankful for the good memories I had of my brothers.  Those are the stories I'll share with my children, someday.

Punched in the gut, twice.

Man, what a day.
I'm so exhausted.  I feel like I've been punched in the gut, twice.
First, my Dad tells me that I'm basically worthless.
Then, my Mom lies to my face.
Who can you trust, when your own parents hurt and deceive you?
I don't know which is worse, because in my book they're pretty much even.
I'm so mentally and emotionally spent, that I can't put up a fight.  I'm tired of living a facade that my parents are the greatest people ever.  I have a Mom who always jokingly said to family friends, "I had my two boys, it was him (pointing to my Dad) that wanted a girl" [since there's a big age gap between my brothers and I, family friends were always surprised that my parents had another child after their first two.] My Mom always treated my brothers differently, she always seemed a little more patient and forgiving with them.  She never let me forget that her pregnancy with me was the reason she was overweight.  I know she held a grudge towards me, because my Dad made her dote on me.  She, along with my brothers, never failed to remind me of how spoiled I was.
Over the last several years, my Dad has grown bitter.   Maybe it's his culture and upbringing, or maybe it's his declining health, but I've felt like an emotional punchbag for him.  As much as I try to do for him, his gratitude is overshadowed by his extremely harsh words to me.  Just yesterday, I was undressing, dressing and feeding this man in the hospital, following his surgery.  Today, it's as if none of that ever happened.  It hurts so much when your own Dad tells you that "you have no future" or that "everything is wrong with you". I didn't know I was such a failure.  No matter how much good I try to do, it doesn't matter because I'll never be what my parents envision.
Today's events make it hard to be the dutiful daughter that I'm trying to be.  Why do I stick around to help them out?  Why didn't I just jump ship like my brothers and move out of state?  If "everything [I] do is wrong", why am I the most faithful member of my family?  No wonder why I love Job, from the Bible, as much as I do.  How did he do it?  After he lost so much, he still continued on.  I just wish I could find some emotional and spiritual solitude.  I'm grateful for an ex-sister-in-law and her children that take me in as their own.... who let me know that good and love still exist in this family.  I'm grateful for a niece's hug and her kind words of, "I'm sorry your Mom lies to you".  I told her that she's so blessed to have a Mom that would NEVER lie to her....she already knew that.
I wish, someday, to create a home where love, goodness and honesty abide.  To raise up a family, where each child feels loved and wanted.  A home where they would feel safe, on all levels.

Thursday dinner & this and that.

Tonight, I'll be having dinner with Mr. Red, his gf and her kids.  Awkward, right? Well, only if I want it to be.  But seriously,  I mean, I'm glad that he's so excited to have me meet her, but in the same breath I'm nervous.  I don't have the best poker face, so its very apparent what I'm thinking and feeling.  Plus, Mr. Red knows me better than all of my friends, so he knows if I'm holding back or not being myself.  Besides, it's hard enough meeting someone, but to meet their kids also?! Oh geez, can this get any harder?!  We haven't talked or hung out since January, so when we talked on the phone yesterday, I'm glad he was still the same Mr. Red.  He says that she's the female version of himself.   Man.....  wish me luck tonight.

I hung out with Tat, late last night.  He's one of my childhood [church] friends.  I'm glad that we're still friends.  I like the perspective he gives me when I'm trying to understand what the heck goes through mens minds, sometimes.  But I'm grateful for Tat because he's so open minded, doesn't judge and there's never been any awkward sexual tension between us.  He's pretty awesome. 

To my brother Dave....

Today is my brother, Dave’s birthday!! I thought I’d do a birthday dedication to him. I know that I’ve been blessed with such a terrific brother. I didn’t fully grasp this growing up, but I’ve truly come to realize that since.
I think my brother Dave is awesome!! The thing I love the most about him is that he’s incredibly charismatic. People always take an instant liking to him. He makes a friend and a lasting impression everywhere he goes--even in other countries. I’ve come to witness this EVERY SINGLE TIME we go out in public together. Without fail, we ALWAYS come across some ol’ friend of his. I’m not kidding!! EVERYTIME!! It use to bug me before since I’d stand around for about 10 minutes as they chatted, and then they’d say good bye to me as “Dave’s Sister”. It doesn’t bug me anymore, but it stands as a testament of his fun and friendly personality.
I think my brother is an ‘all around great guy’. Many should be jealous to not have him as an older brother (several friends have even mentioned that they wish they had him as their older brother). Sometimes I wish I could be more like him . I often wonder if we're really related. We're so polar opposite at times--nothing seems to ever bother him, whereas I fret over every little thing. Dave's 'quality' and I'm 'quantity'--actually, he's both-Mr. Perfectionist! He's the life of the party and I'm shy and sarcastic. I grit my teeth with new experiences and he welcomes them with a big hearty smile. He’s so fearless. He’ll try or do anything and always be stoked about it the whole time!
He knows his role as a man, husband, father, son, brother, cousin and friend. He’s the one I always go to whenever I have some sort of car problem. Whenever I turn to him with a problem, he does everything he can to find a solution. I know I can count on him in the bleakest of moments. Since our father lost his eyesight about 10 years ago, Dave’s stepped in every time our father couldn’t. I always feel safe with him, I know my safety is never at risk.
When the time comes for me to pick a potential spouse, I know that I’ll want him to be just like my brother….someone who knows how to laugh and enjoy life, book & street smart, physically & spiritually strong, supports his family everyway possible, lives and testifies of the Gospel by his actions, loves and values his wife, makes time for his children, respects his parents, majorly chivalrous, gets along with EVERYONE and surfs (might not seem like a big deal, but trust me it means a lot in many ways).
So to my brother I say this; Thanks for everything you’ve done and continue to do for me. I couldn’t have asked for a better oldest brother than you. Happy Birthday Dave.