Man, what a day.
I'm so exhausted. I feel like I've been punched in the gut, twice.
First, my Dad tells me that I'm basically worthless.
Then, my Mom lies to my face.
Who can you trust, when your own parents hurt and deceive you?
I don't know which is worse, because in my book they're pretty much even.
I'm so mentally and emotionally spent, that I can't put up a fight. I'm tired of living a facade that my parents are the greatest people ever. I have a Mom who always jokingly said to family friends, "I had my two boys, it was him (pointing to my Dad) that wanted a girl" [since there's a big age gap between my brothers and I, family friends were always surprised that my parents had another child after their first two.] My Mom always treated my brothers differently, she always seemed a little more patient and forgiving with them. She never let me forget that her pregnancy with me was the reason she was overweight. I know she held a grudge towards me, because my Dad made her dote on me. She, along with my brothers, never failed to remind me of how spoiled I was.
Over the last several years, my Dad has grown bitter. Maybe it's his culture and upbringing, or maybe it's his declining health, but I've felt like an emotional punchbag for him. As much as I try to do for him, his gratitude is overshadowed by his extremely harsh words to me. Just yesterday, I was undressing, dressing and feeding this man in the hospital, following his surgery. Today, it's as if none of that ever happened. It hurts so much when your own Dad tells you that "you have no future" or that "everything is wrong with you". I didn't know I was such a failure. No matter how much good I try to do, it doesn't matter because I'll never be what my parents envision.
Today's events make it hard to be the dutiful daughter that I'm trying to be. Why do I stick around to help them out? Why didn't I just jump ship like my brothers and move out of state? If "everything [I] do is wrong", why am I the most faithful member of my family? No wonder why I love Job, from the Bible, as much as I do. How did he do it? After he lost so much, he still continued on. I just wish I could find some emotional and spiritual solitude. I'm grateful for an ex-sister-in-law and her children that take me in as their own.... who let me know that good and love still exist in this family. I'm grateful for a niece's hug and her kind words of, "I'm sorry your Mom lies to you". I told her that she's so blessed to have a Mom that would NEVER lie to her....she already knew that.
I wish, someday, to create a home where love, goodness and honesty abide. To raise up a family, where each child feels loved and wanted. A home where they would feel safe, on all levels.
