I’m really stoked about my new calling as a Gospel Essentials teacher!! I’m so excited!! It was exactly the type of calling I wanted. When my Bishop and I talked a couple weeks ago, the topic of callings came up. I told him that I didn’t mind having another one. He asked me if I had a preference. I told him that I trusted whatever he felt was right for me. So we both agreed to pray for the right calling. This is so truly awesome!!I have a lot on my mind, but yet, not really. Well, okay, I do. Tonight at the ward’s FHE, Aileen asked me, as part of her lesson, if there were any types of problems or dilemmas in my life. Of course the first one that came to mind was “When the heck am I going to get married?!” but I didn’t feel comfortable throwing that out there….so I responded with “What to declare as my major in order to finish college”. So that’s not my biggest concern, but a concern nonetheless. I would love to finish school. The dilemma I keep running into is “If I finish my BFA degree w/ photography, what am I REALLY going to do with it?”. I have such a hard time deciding what I want to do in life. I love to work with my hands and create, but they’re not necessarily passing out degrees for that. I love to sew, bake, cook, do floral arrangements, paint, create art, play music (violin/piano/ukelele), shoot/print photography, plant/garden, scrapbook…just anything involving color and creativity, I’m all over it!! I know how important a degree is, but I don’t want to waste time towards a degree that I won’t use. No, I don’t want to become an art teacher either. UGH! I just don’t know! I just feel like time’s slipping away and I need to produce something for society. Does that even make sense?? Probably not. I just feel inferior to the social norm of having a bachelors or masters degree. Plus, all of my life I’ve had 3 dreams--Attend BYU-Hawaii, serve an LDS mission and marry in an LDS temple. So far, at the ripe ol’ age of 27 I’m 1 for 3...not so good. I still want to go to BYU-H but am I too old to now? I feel like time’s marching on faster than I’d like. And with that said…back to my original dilemma...
I look around at my friends and most of them are married with kids AND they’re even younger than I am!! What the heck!? I feel like I’m getting old and I’ll never have my own kids. It’s almost depressing to think about this, no wonder I try not to. I don’t want to have kids after the age of 35. I want to be able to enjoy my kids, ya know? My parents had me when they were 41 and 44 years old. The huge age difference takes a toll a lot of the time. I’m so glad I have my brother and sister in law as “parents” that I can talk to at times. I want to be able to play and roll around on the grass with my kids. My parents weren’t really able to do that a lot. I just wonder what the heck did I sign up for in heaven, before this life. What did I agree to? I know I’ve helped raise my nephews and niece, but I hope that isn’t the extent of me being a ‘parent’. I think I would be majorly upset. I want to be an expectant mother and feel life grow within me. I think that’s a tremendous blessing as a woman. Maybe not in the moment when the baby’s kicking non-stop, but as a whole, it’s a beautiful miracle. Part of me wants to cry, the other part wants to just scream. I don’t know what to do. I miss my old job that I quit two years ago. That will always be my biggest regret. I had a fantastic job with the Church’s welfare system. I loved it. I loved always being able to be positive influence on all those who passed through...being a friend to the timid, downtrodden and hopeless. It had a GREAT pay and benefits with an awesome work schedule. Although it wasn’t what I went to school for, it was a terrific job that fell into my lap. I unfortunately kicked it to the curb because I couldn’t get along with someone who was dishonest and disrespectful. I wish I had been stronger to stand up to her…but that’s not who I am, I dislike shady characters. I wish I could just turn back the last 10 years and stuck to my goal of finishing up my AA, going on a mission, transferring to BYU-H and who knows maybe getting married in the Laie Temple. But reality’s knocking--I have to make the best with what’s been dealt to me. It’s scary sometimes, but ’ya gotta do whatcha gotta do’.
Dang, I hate this quarter life crisis.
