I really feel like writing in my journal tonight. However, I'm staying at a friend's during this Thanksgiving weekend and I left it at home. I'm a lil bummed about it, because I like to take my journal with me wherever I'm staying. I like to write in it, at the end of my day, right before I go to bed. It's how I unwind, at night. Since I don't have my journal...this is the next best thing. I hope I don't get too TMI, but I have stuff on my mind. Stuff that I've been thinking of for the last couple days...several weeks... for a while.
Well, as previously mentioned, I'm in a Singles adult ward (no longer in a young single adult ward). From talking with friends, I hope I don't "retire" from another ward. I've been thinking a lot about dating & marriage.
I'm tired of being single. I envy my friends who are married with kids... oh how I wish I could be living that life and feeling like I'm actually accomplishing the purpose of this life. Sometimes I wonder, "Do my married friends feel sorry/pity on me because I'm not married with children, like they are?" A couple of my married friends say they wish they could trade places with me; single, free to come & go with ease, do whatever I want, etc. I guess the 'grass seems greener on the other side.'
I'd really like to experience marriage, in this lifetime. I'd like to experience motherhood and the blessing of pregnancy, feeling life growing within me. I'm tired of being alone. I miss being in a relationship, having someone by your side is an amazing feeling. What do I miss the most about being in a relationship? Geez, where do I begin? I miss those 'inside' jokes. I miss someone who just 'gets me', because that means a lot to me... where I don't have to explain why I do/say stuff because they just know me so well. I miss physical affection, people need to be touched. I learned a lot about that while in massage college. It's true. People need hugs and just good physical touch (I don't necessarily mean sex, I'm sure that's good too... I wouldn't know, yet). I miss holding hands, having a warm arm around me, a safe & secure arm to hold while walking, the closeness of two faces, allowing/desiring someone to be in your 'personal space', a good guy hug, cuddling... I crave [good] physical touch. I miss the closeness, security and intimacy a relationship provides. I miss sharing my most tender feelings and deepest thoughts, allowing myself to trust someone enough to be vulnerable. Most of all, I miss saying, "I love you" and knowing you mean it more than when you say it to all others in your life.
I really miss being in a serious relationship. Sometimes I wonder if I'm ready to be in one, again. Part of me says 'no' because I want to offer him my very best self. I want to give him the best me; physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, intellectually and all other "-ly's". There are some areas that I know I can and should improve on. Of course I'd want to give my best self because I'm hoping that there's a man out there that has those same intentions, as well. I hope I get to be married in the temple, someday. Honestly, I'm getting a little sick and tired of being the lone single at so many church activities and friends' events. As much as I LOVE going to the temple, it seems like everyone there has on a wedding ring. :( I just wonder, "When is it going to be my turn?" I hate thinking that question because it brings tears to my eyes, every time. I also wonder, "Did I somehow raise my hand in the pre-mortal existence agreeing to live a life without marriage and children???" I get tired praying about it, because I feel like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall. I know that all things are done in the Lord's time and will, but I have a hard time convincing my poor heart. I wish I could just know with a surety if I'm to be married in this lifetime or not. I can't help but sigh and try to put it in the furthest part of my mind and heart, put a smile on my face and try to be okay with it all....because quite honestly, I'm not. I can't convince my heart any more because it hurts trying to hope for something that doesn't seem like it's ever going to happen. Will I forever be 'aunt Ehu who never got married'? I think I just might be. Oh well.
