8 is GREAT!

Happy 8 months of wonderful, blissful, hilarious dating, my sweetheart!!!  

I love you more and more with each passing day!!

Five ♥

Happy 5 Levi!

{Five reasons why I love this man!}

1. He listens to all the crazy/random/sappy/clever things I say, and remembers ALL of it.

2. Whenever I get emotional {happy & sad tears}, he doesn't freak out, but is incredibly tender and sensitive.

3. He's physically stronger than me.  

4. He makes me feel extraordinarily special!!  

5. Because he loves me & shows it.  

4 days of "excitedness"

*Yesterday was a very, VERY physically and emotionally exhausting day.  After an emotionally draining morning dealing with family, my niece and I watched the (4) Buzz kids. Oh I LOVE those kids so much!! It's been so wonderful watching them grow up and they've just got such wonderful parents.  It was a nice afternoon with them, and then I came home to get ready to go out with Levi.  
I was so excited to see Levi! He's just so wonderful!  He has this way of putting me at ease, and after the morning I had, I was ready to be relaxed.  We went shopping for his outfit, for PajamaPants wedding.  I can't wait to see him in his new clothes! It was so much fun shopping with him and even though I was so exhausted, just being with him was perking me up.  
After we went shopping,we had dinner at T.G.I.Fridays.  A couple days ago, Levi told me that he had a surprise for me. Oh it was killing me inside because I REALLY, REALLY wanted to know what it was. While we were shopping, I totally forgot about it.  As we were waiting for our appetizer, he started to slip something out of his front pocket.  He pulled out a beautiful crimson & silver necklace and earrings! Seriously, it's so beautiful and I LOVE it!! It's just perfect, for me!! It's my favorite colors and TOTALLY my style!! I was so touched by his thoughtfulness!!! It was such a fantastic night!!
**Tonight, we're going to PajamaPants wedding.  I'm so excited to spend more time with Levi!
***Then tomorrow evening, we're going out for Pho (since he's never had it) and then he totally offered to come with me to my stake choir practice.  Seriously, how can I not like this guy?! He's willing to sit through my choir practice, just because he wants to be with me.  WOW, WOW!!!! I REALLY like this guy! I just love the way we communicate and connect on so many levels! 
****Since I'm in charge of FHE, I explained what that was and how it's planned to watch an outdoor movie on Monday.  He wants to come, with me, to FHE!!! I can't wait!!

Levi's just so wonderful to me! I have no idea how I got so lucky to have this man in my life....and I'm so dang happy!!

FRIGGIN' HAPPY!!!

I can't stop thinking about how incredibly lucky I am!! Seriously, did I just find someone who's so wonderful, kind, considerate, FUNNY, calm, patient, SWEET, smart, quick and just all around NICE!!!  Just someone who thinks about me and my well-being! I just can't believe it! Someone who wants to make ME happy and see that I'm content.  Levi's unlike ALL the men I've ever dated or gone out with.  He's so good to me and I hope, HOPE that I am making him happy in the process.  :)

The OCTOBER 3rd BLOG: Good, Bad, Ugly....

October 3, 2012.... a pretty GREAT day, I think. (for the most part....read below)

The Good: Levi likes me....like A WHOLE LOT!!! ♥ And I feel the same way :)

The Bad: I have to buy a new tire, possible "tireS" tomorrow. Ugh!  I was gettin' ready to go out to dinner with a friend, til I heard my front tire making a funny flapping noise.  Have I ever mentioned how much I TOTALLY LOATHE dealing with car stuff!?

The Ugly: All I've had to eat today was a cup of Cranberry Sierra Mist.  That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it isn't good when the only other thing in my stomach is the piece of gum I swallowed.

________________________________________________________________

**update: I had my cousin check out my tire and it's kinda ok.  I still need to get a tire sometime soon, because the treads are low.  Treads? Threads? Whatevers, it's getting bald.  

So now I can be pretty ecstatic about Levi!  Which I am, I have been all afternoon. I just can't wrap my head around the fact that someone likes me as much as he does...and he shows it through all the big things and all the small things.  He shows it and I just want to reciprocate it.  As I was telling my sister, it's like when you've wanted something for so long, that when you finally get it, it's like you have to step back out of astonishment, and wrap you head around it because it's finally yours.  You no longer have to wish and hope for it, because you've got what you've wanted.  He's so kind and tender to me.  It melts my heart. He's unlike ANY guy I've ever dated.  I'm able to be 'the girl' in the relationship....  I don't have to plan every aspect of a date. I don't have to drive. I don't have to scrutinize over all the details because he takes all the worry out of it.  It's so much fun being 'the girl' in all of this.  I've never quite experienced this before and I love it. ♥  

Wow, it's been a while since I've been in a relationship and had a boyfriend......but I am surely enjoying it already. :) I can't wait for this weekend! I get to see him ALL weekend! Wow, I'm someone's girlfriend....WOW. I like it. :)

Levi.

Our first date was on Sunday night, at Buca di Beppo.  There's a complementary photographer that comes around to take photos, but I couldn't see ourselves shelling out $10 for a 5x7 that I could have just taken with my camera.  Luckily, they give you a tiny postcard of your photo:

(Sorry for the graininess of this picture of a picture)

We had the Veal Parmigiana and meatball.  SO sooo goooooood!!!  We also had a cannoli and it reminded me of New Jersey. Afterwards, we had an extra veal parm and cannoli that he was going to send home with me.  A few months ago, I made it a point to never take home a 'doggie-bag', I would rather find a homeless person who could benefit from it.  I tried to get him to take it home because, after all, he did pay for the meal.  He insisted that he would rather I take it.... so I had to tell him about my true desire for our leftovers.  He was totally kosher with it and we were able to find a gracious man to give it to.  Levi was so sweet, hugged me and kissed my forehead because he had never thought about ever doing that with his leftovers.  Giving a lil service, while on a date, made the date so much sweeter!

Originally, our first date was going to be on Monday (yesterday) but we both couldn't wait that long.  He wanted to take me to Hodad's in Ocean Beach, since I had never been there before.  A couple years ago, I tried, but the line was too long. Luckily, last night, we only had to wait for about 5 minutes til the hostess asked us if we wanted to sit in "The Bus"---HECK YES!!!

I thought it was even sweeter when Levi said, "You should start bringing a camera so we can have pictures of all our dates".  Seriously, that melted my heart!  Isnt he the cutest?!  I loved it!! (If you've ever seen, "I Hate Valentine's Day", it's like when the scrapbooking girl meets the guy who LOVES that she scrapbooks, and doesn't see it as a form of stalking.) 

The food at Hodad's was delicious and I LOVED the onion rings! DELISH!! 

I seriously loved eating in this VW bus!! It was so wicked cool! Well, actually not "cool" temp wise because it was almost like an oven, but it was such a cool experience! 

Since you couldn't really see us in The Bus, we had to take some ourselves.  Levi doesn't really like his 'photo smile' since he thinks its fake. So I had to get him to laugh, and then his cute lil smile finally came out.

While I wrapped up eating my burger, he asked if I wanted anymore of our onion rings and fries. I declined and then he asked the server for a 'doggie bag'.  Then he said, "We'll finish up here, stop by the car to grab a bottle of water and then we'll find someone to give the water and food to." He remembered!! (yes, given, it was just the night before) How could I not fall more into "like" with this man after that?!  It seriously meant a lot to me and touched my heart that he made it a priority to have charity for another.  We walked around OB for a bit because it's a lil difficult to tell who's homeless and who's just kickin' it at the beach.  This time, he was the one to extend the offer to a gentleman and he did it with such kindness and tenderness.  MELT. MY. HEART. FOR. SURE.!!! 

We walked the pier in OB, since that was another place I had never been to. It was a lovely walk, although I felt about 10 months prego cause I was SO full!  We later hung out in Harbor Island, sat on a bench and talked, in depth.  It was so enjoyable!

I love getting to know him.  Seriously, he's so accommodating and goes the extra mile in doing all the lil things.  It's easy being totally open and honest with him.  We've been pretty open about certain aspects in our lives, and I'm glad.  He's not LDS, but surprisingly he's familiar with some of the chapels and the temple in Las Vegas.  With PajamaPants' wedding (commitment ceremony) coming up this Saturday, I have NO idea what the heck is up with Mr. Red.  He's been incognito for a couple weeks now, so I can't gamble going to this wedding by myself.  Levi totally offered to go with me and I couldn't be more grateful. I mean, who just does that--what man volunteers to go to a wedding, not to mention, a gay wedding?!?  See! He's just that nice!

Well, I'm going to enjoy this man, because who can't help but like a man who thinks I'm beautiful, kind and gracious? Yep, I'm going to soak it all in.... ♥

OCTOBER!!!

Dude, I'm pretty stoked for October! Seriously, I've never been so happy to see October before! 

I LOOOOOVE the cooler weather!! Sweater weather, baby!

I'm stoked for all the fall flavors that come out around this time! 

I miss seeing red & gold trees, on the east coast.
I love Dia de los Muertos and going to Old Town to celebrate it!

There's just something wonderful about this time of year! 

I'm pretty dang excited!

But maybe most of that excitement comes from the fact that I'm going on a date tonight.  I met someone last week, and last night was our first date.  We went to Buca di Beppo for dinner and it was scrumptious!  Levi is so dang cute! Seriously, it was what a date should be like: "planned for, paid for and paired off" (Elder Oaks' talk).  It's something my friends have been trying to engrain in me for the last several weeks.  And with Levi, it totally was!  I like this guy... yes, even more so than Ely.  Levi has all his ducks in a row; he has a job, he understands and makes the time for a relationship (and actually WANTS one!), he's very family oriented, he's physically affectionate and reciprocates my physical gestures, and wants to communicate on all levels! I love it!  He's unlike TheBaker and Ely and I'm hap-hap-happy!! 

*Just to clarify about the "physical affectionate" part....  I'm a touchy feely person; I love to give and receive hugs, I like to rub someone's back (no, not in church, that's just weird), or I hold someone's hand when they're emotional.... I can connect better with someone when I'm touching them. So in case anyone things that it's all rated-R type of touching...you've got A LOT to learn about the power of touch!  

Band aid.

I feel like I just ripped off a band aid, which took off a couple layers of skin.
Ugh, I feel terrible.
I told Logan that I just didn't think that things would work out between he and I.  I feel awful because he was really hoping that we'd be spending more time together, and I just stomped out all those hopes.  I just couldn't do it, I was too bored with him.  As nice as he was, I just couldn't see myself spending more time with him.
There were too many things about him that resembled my ex.  Even as I was telling Logan that we were too different, it felt like I was dumping my ex, all over again.  When I did that to Jake, it felt like I had crushed all his hopes and ran his heart through a meat grinder.  However, after things ended with Jake, I felt like I had wasted time with him, at least 3 years of my life.  It felt like a waste because when I looked back, I saw how bored I was and should never have let it go on as long as it did.  So when I started getting bored with Logan, it felt like the red flags were popping up, hitting me in the face.

So in answer to my previous post's question... "Which is easier, to dump or be dumped?"

I'd go with, "be dumped".  

Hurting someone's heart (or hopes) is never easy.  

:(

Which is easier?

To dump or be dumped?

Uuuuuugggghhhhhh. I texted Logan to tell him that tomorrow wouldn't work out and left it at that.  3 hours later (as in 5 minutes ago) he texted back...

"Ehu, what is going on? What is happening? Did I do something wrong?"

 ...and he just called, but I let it go to voicemail.  

Even though he was on vacation up north, a phone call would have been nice.....especially if he really wanted to keep things going between us.  I had to initiate the text messages.  I lost interest during the week he was gone.  Was I asking too much? Maybe I was, but in the end, he's too old for me.  Age is a number, but I mean he just felt too old.  For crying out loud, he doesn't even know who Jack Johnson or Dave Matthews Band is.  I can't date someone that I can't relate to or get bored with.  It wouldn't be fair to either of us.

Now, if only I knew how to tell him, nicely, that I'm not interested. Of course I'm gonna stick with the truth, but I just don't want to hurt him.  Ugh......  

Sensitive Sunday.

Yesterday, I took my friend Darci to church.  As always, it's nice to have a friend to sit with at church.  Since we both play on the same Softball team with Sonny, she wanted to go over and talk to him (to give him a hard time for a bruise that happened at our last practice.)  I wasn't really in the mood to talk to him because I was still embarrassed from our game, the day before.  However,  I did need to talk to him in regards to next week's Family Home Evening, since we'll be playing Softball.  {I just can't escape this game! I'm gonna improve one way or another!}  He started to stand up as I was trying to tap on his back....which ended up inches above his butt.  He turned around and looked extremely pissed.  I started to regret tapping him...or even being near him, for that matter. I tried to keep it short and asked if I could talk to him after church.  He mumbled something in agreement and walked away.  I felt stupid for even bothering him, but yet I couldn't help but wonder why he looked so annoyed.  Darci said that others around him also looked annoyed.  Really?? Annoyed at church...what's up?!
I couldn't shake the thought during Sunday School, so I turned to Facebook and changed my status to: 

"I wonder why some people look and act annoyed, at church :(" 

Maybe I've become extra sensitive now, since I like Sonny.  After church, as I was walking out of the women's restroom, (Darci was in front of me, and Ame was still at the mirror)  I turned and saw Sonny at the end of the hallway. I tried to sneak back into the restroom.  I didn't want to talk to him anymore, not at all!  I couldn't sneak back fast enough and he called out for me.  I was timid and could barely even hear my voice.  I just wanted to be anywhere but in that hallway.  I tried to make it quick, but it wasn't working.  However, he maintained eye contact a lil more than usual.  I was practically eye to eye with him, since I was wearing wedges. It ended up being a decent conversation and he was nice again.  At one point, when I changed the topic from FHE to our Softball team, I grabbed his arm {bicep}.  Oh I LOVE LOVE LOVE it when you touch a guy's arm, and then they flex a split second later!  I can't help but chuckle because I always feel the difference between a flexed and unflexed arm.  So obvious!! Well, Sonny happened to do that and MAN OH MAN, his arm was so big!!!  I mean, it was big already, but once he flexed it, it was HUGE!!! And SO defined!!!  My face was so warm, and I'm sure I turned red!!  Oh my gosh, he suddenly got a million times hotter!!  I have no idea how I finished that conversation because my mind was racing and thinking how hot this man is!!  

On the drive home, Darci told me that she commented on my FB status as well as someone else....

"Sorry Ehu, it was probably me. I always look intense when I'm at church. But I normally have good intentions. :)"  

It was from Sonny.  I kinda felt bad that he caught that, because I didn't think he read things on my FB.  Yikes.  But I'm glad he felt the need to apologize.  We'll see if I talk to him again at church.  I really don't want a repeat of his "intense" look again.  I just wish I knew him better.  With that said, I'll be seeing him tomorrow at Softball.  Wish me luck.  

((Ok.....now for my friend Ame....))

I went on a date last night (Sunday night).  It was with this guy I've been talking to.  We'll call him Pokemon.  Well he told me he was a nerd, but I didn't realize how literal he meant it.  Just because he's into comics, Sci-Fi movies, Comic-Con, & Halo, didn't exactly mean that he was a nerd, right?  Wrong.  That's basically his whole life.  In fact, he's already planning his Pokemon Trainer/Ash Ketchum costume!! He was so proud of the Pokemon catcher he made, that he brought it to our date, last night.  Oh, have I mentioned that he's 26 years old and never been kissed!!   He wasn't exactly my type...no I take that back, he wasn't my type at all.  I couldn't turn down his request of a date, I would have felt terrible.  Well, I had to push the date back by a half hour and figured I'd go ahead and eat dinner (thinking he'd do the same, since it was past the dinner hour).  Well, he didn't eat, so while we were at the Coronado Ferry Landing, he went ahead and bought himself some food.  I thought it was a lil rude that he didn't offer to at least buy me a drink, when I insisted that he eat, even though I wasn't going to.  Was I wrong to think that?  Nor did he offer to let me taste it.  Maybe it's just me, but I would have offered it to him, if the roles were reversed.  His jokes were LAME!!!  I couldn't pity laugh anymore, I was socially exhausted.  He told me he was nervous, but I tried to put him at  ease.  While he was ordering his food, I looked around and saw a movie poster for, Goodfellas.  I asked if he'd ever seen it and he quickly said, no.  Then with a self righteous tone, he asked me if I'd ever seen, Deep Space Nine.  I said, "no", and he snapped back saying, "See, same difference!!"  I was beyond myself....who the hell acts like that?!  I was just trying to make conversation.  It was obvious that he was socially awkward and it was going to be an odd night.  The only thing that kept me sane on this date, was thinking of Sonny's arm, from earlier in the day.  It was like pulling teeth trying to talk to him. On the phone, it was great, but in person, it SUCKED!!!  No personality at all.  I feel sorry for the guy.  I think he needs a Hitch in his life, someone to coach him a lil about the ins and outs of dating & women. He was kinda nice, but just very inexperienced, he was like a boy in a man's body.  I hope he gets kissed soon....26 and a VL....poor guy.  

The "No More Wasted Weekends!" post.

*I love listening to this "I am a Mormon" video: 

I love this version of "Teach Me to Walk in the Light" on the Ukulele! It's so sweet!

*My sister, niece and I went to watch The Avengers today.  Oh man, LOOOOOOOVED IT!!!!!!!!! Captain America is SOOO HOT!!!! As well as Thor and I just love Iron Man! My sister and I started to feel really sick after the movie.  I don't know if it was because we OD'd on movie popcorn and Coke Zero or what! But seriously, I wanted to throw up. I'm thinking it could have been all of that, plus the fact that we were sitting in the 3rd row of the theatre.  I felt dizzy at times during the movie because we were so close and due to so many of the fast moving scenes.  Never again! 

*I'm currently spending the night at Reed's house, watching her four kids.  I love these kids so much.  I was suppose to go to her birthday party before heading over to her house to babysit, but since I was sick, I skipped it.  When I showed up to take over for the teenage girl who was watching the kids earlier, I bid her goodbye and to have a great evening, she said, "Oh yeah! Time for my social life!"  It made met think, "Whoa, wait a second! You're a teenager with a "social life" and I'm spending my night in babysitting?? What?!?"  She was practically skipping towards the door and right out into the night.  Seriously, this needs to change.  This is my 3rd weekend that I haven't done anything. I mean, I know tonight I was suppose to go out, but got sick.  The last 2 weekends I was moving and unpacking.  Next weekend is Memorial Day weekend, I need to make something MEMORABLE about it!  If a teenager can have a social life, so can I! C'mon Ehu, what happened to your spunk?!?!?  Get with it!

*I talked with Vans today.  I'm glad we're friends.  He's seeing someone now.  I'm starting to wonder if I'm the only one single amongst my non-married friends?!  Geez, seriously, I need to start doing something and doing something FAST!  I think I'm gonna hit up the SD Single Adult Memorial Day Conference next weekend.  I NEED to do something and meet people, this is gettin' kinda pathetic!  

*Ok, I need to go make a ti-leaf lei before it gets way too late. Hermana R is leaving the mission field with her husband, their time is up and they're headed home.  Tomorrow's their last Sunday as well as Stake Conference.  I will always be so grateful I was blessed to meet and learn from the great Hermana R! I will think of her every time I see and hear the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing.  Heavenly Father surely knows where to send His missionaries.  

About moving.

No one tells you....


1. Not to randomly pack your phone's charge cord and forget which bag/suitcase/box it's in.
2. Again, see above, but replace "phone charge cord" with "toothbrush". 
3. That it's physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, etc, draining. 


Ok that's about it.  But man, #2 was brutal yesterday.  I didn't have enough time to go to the store and buy one before church.  I tried not to talk to many people or smile because I just felt gross.   

On a lighter note....
So this whole idea of "No Guys May" is gettin a lil old.  There's this guy in my ward (congregation) that is SO. DANG. ADORABLE.!!! Seriously, I see him and I just want to hug him!! And I LOVE LOVE LOVE the way he sounds when he talks.  There's just something so adorably charming about the way he sounds and how his mouth moves.  *SWOON* Last Monday, he walked in a lil late to FHE and oh man, my heart skipped a beat!!  Before, I could easily talk to "Iam", now it's a lil more difficult.  I got to see him at church, yesterday. Oh man, SO cute. He passed Sacrament to me, and then lined up, right in front of me.  I was about 4 feet from his Piriformis and couldn't help but look at it, especially since his wallet was bulging from his back pocket. (FYI: from a Massage Therapist point of view, it's bad for you. I'll explain later.)  I wish I had more to talk to him about...  The first time I ever talked to him, it was out of thin air about sports.  I can't wait til church on Sunday. Since it's Mother's Day, I'll probably see him since my sister's giving a talk in her ward, which happens to be his family (aka: his Mother's) ward.  Oh yes!

Ok, I've gotta go finish unpacking.  

HEY MAY!

*Here's a lil video of my bike ride with Liz.  It was a great ride to Coronado, but on the way back, we were biking into the wind--which makes it very tiring and difficult.  So yes, we're out of breath, but trying to laugh and have a good time!  Can I just say how HARD it is to bike with one hand, let alone trying to take pictures and record a video!  And in case you never knew, biking and laughing is VERY hard to do as well! Makes for a very wobbly ride.

My sister made the BOMB biscuits on Sunday. Yep, just like the ones they make at Red Lobster. Oh man, they were DELICIOUS!!  I think I ate a dozen......or very close to it.  I'm starting to love Sunday/family dinners again.  For a very long time they were hard, but now, due to the SCRUMPTIOUS food we've been having, it makes it so enjoyable. 

*I met up with Freshman15, the other night.  Well, it was fun, but I think it just reaffirms my desire to take a break from guys & dating.  He was way cute, but, we want two very different things right now.  Besides, I'm going to be VERY busy because...

*I'll be moving this week.  It won't be far, at all. {plus side, I'll only be 2.2 miles from the beach! AWESOME!!}  But I'm just tired of moving.  I never had to do it before my mission, then in the first month of my mission, I did it 4 times.  After my mission, I did it about 4 times within the first 18 months of being back {college}.  Then in Dec. 2010....and now, this week.  I hate packing, as is...so moving, to me, is "PACKING x DEATH".  Ok, maybe not that extreme, but I just can't stand it! Which is difficult because....

*My Meniere's has been pretty bad lately.  Not only has the "whooshing" in my left ear increased, I'm dizzy a lot more.  I just hope it doesn't get worse, to the point of falling because of extreme light headedness.  Just the thought of moving is already mentally tiring and I haven't even started packing. 

*Be positive Ehu.... Change can be good, remember?  

The Friday Catch Up Game.

(This is what you photograph while waiting for your brakes to be fixed.)

*So my date from Tuesday... Uh, it wasn't anything great or grand. If it was, then I would have blogged about it sooner. Dating him would be a waste of time.  I'm not physically attracted to him, the connection I had with him on the phone could not make up the difference.  Ok, even if I TRIED to be attracted to him, the BIGGEST turn off was when he did not walk me to my car.  I went to his place, so he could make some pancakes that I found online.  WORST. THING. I. EVER. PUT. IN. MY. MOUTH.  They were extremely bland and very mushy--it was a very nice gesture and effort.  Since that was all he made, I didn't have anything to mask it.  Afterwards, we talked in his living room listening to 80's music, which I can't stand, and watched a lil of Tosh.0.  [Little sidenote,  he's 51 years old.  Yes, 20 years older than me.  He seemed young, til we actually met....then I realized that he really IS that old.] He tried to lead into kissing but I couldn't.  Poor guy had no game.  I'd blog about how I really felt about him, but I'm trying not to be that heartless.  Anyways, the guy didn't walk me to my car and he lives in a shady part of town, it was dark and my car was about 1/2 block away.  I was pretty pissed.  I mean, seriously, if he was smart or had an ounce of game in him, he would have walked me for one last ditch effort of a kiss.  I mean, that's what other guys have done.   It just made me think of Houston, who always walked me to my car.    All I can say is no wonder why this guy is single.  He needs a wingman or a Hitch. 

*There were 3 birthdays this week. My Mom's and my two very good friends, PajamaPants (Peej) & Eidde!

*Peej (L) is one of my dearest friends. We met on the Mish....in Philadelphia.  I once had a crush on him, we talked about it (& there wasn't any type of weird awkwardness! Thank goodness!) and now we're the best of friends. I love him dearly and cherish every moment I get to spend with him. He's extremely funny & very kind!  I ALWAYS have the best of times with him!!  He has the most beautiful singing voice I've ever heard {check it out here!}.  I'm so eternally grateful that Heavenly Father brought our paths together.  Who knew that when we met in October 2002, that we would end up as friends, after the mish. Lucky for us, we both happened to be from the San Diego area.  I'm so glad that we can continue to love and support each other in our lives.  I hope that we're friends for the rest of our lives.  I know my life wouldn't be complete without him.

*Eidde (R) is one of my oldest friends.  He moved into the house next to Liz when he was 5 and we were 9....we've been friends ever since!  He's been like the annoying lil brother I never had, but he's also been a true confidant.  Honestly, I have no idea how we're still friends?! I've played some of the worst pranks on him, growing up.  Poor guy would ALWAYS fall asleep whenever we hung out at Liz's house.  I would always paint his finger &/or toe nails....or put make-up on him.....or slip flowers in his hands that were clutched on his chest to make it look like he was dead, then take photos of it..........or hide his shoes, after falling asleep at the movies, then leave him as the last person in the theatre til the security guard woke him up........or.... well, I better not name the rest or else he might never return my phone calls.  I love Eidde, I truly do. I miss the fact that we hardly see each other these days, but that'll never change the way I feel about him.  He continues to help me be more open minded and I'm grateful we have such love & respect for each other. Eidde, I love you.

*I'll blog more about my Mom's birthday later....gotta upload some pics.

*Dating & guys......  I think I'm gonna lay low for a while.  It's just a frustrating game. Yes, game.  There's stupid rules to it and ALL of it is just confusing.   I think for the month of May, I'm just not even going to focus on guys.  I don't care if the hottest, funniest, wealthiest, smartest, most spiritual & religious single & available man sits down next to me at church or at the movies or at a park..... I'm not biting. I'm just frustratingly done right now. 

*And with that said, it's beautiful out....I think I wanna go ride Big Blu (that's the official name of my bike now.)  Happy Friday!

For the record: Friendship.

I think I need to explain something quick!

This is Mr. Red:



We are ONLY and ever will be only friends.
Yes, I did like him (VERY past tense). 
But that's not the reason we're still friends.  In my last post, I mentioned that I "crave spending time with him."  I do, that's true. 
The reason why I "crave" that time hanging with him is because I can talk to him about EVERYTHING and ANYTHING, and NEVER feel judged.....and I have discussed EVERYTHING under the sun with him.  I don't have many friends that I can be so open with, like I am with him and my very best friend, Bugs.  A few friends come close and I'm grateful for them and their friendship.  Them too, do I desire spending time with.

I'm the kind of person that genuinely loves her friends. I miss them when I don't see them or talk with them for long periods of time.  I grew up with 2 best friends living right across the street from me.  I never had to experience losing a friendship due to moving.  To this day, I still live within a one mile radius of Liz & Eidde and talk to them to this day. I love my friends, I tell them that whenever we talk.  If I died tomorrow, I hope my friends know of the love I have for them, the blessing it's been for them to call me a friend and that my life has been enriched because of them. I never like saying goodbye to a friend or a friendship, and avoid it at all costs. 

So about my friendship with Mr. Red.....  I've trusted him with my deepest secrets, my craziest thoughts and my most sensitive feelings.  He knows me as well as my best friend, Bugs and my sister, Bec.  When we're hanging out, we're usually just talking. He is an intelligent individual and I'm always left with the appetite and aspiration to learn.  The fact that his gender happens to be male, sometimes strikes a nerve with the guys I date.  I've learned to not mention Mr.Red to them, anymore than I do about my female friends. 

I can only hope that the guys I date understand that when I say, "We're only friends" that they trust me completely on that fact.  Because if roles were reversed, I would understand and never ask them to stop befriending someone that makes them want to be a better person. 

Wrong....but not entirely.

There is a wonderful feeling that can come with an apology, as both the receiver and the giver. 

I felt like I owed Houston an apology.  I apologized and was quickly forgiven for something that I didn't even need to apologize about.  I love it when men are so understanding when you're a lil crazy/emotional when Aunt Flo is here.  More so, I'm grateful that Houston is just willing to overlook my imperfections and still have such lovely feelings for me. 

Life is good.

And just when I thought I was off the hook.... I've still gotta think of something impressive to cook him on Wednesday.

Wish me luck!!

And leave me some ideas!!

Stood Up.

So I THOUGHT today was gonna be a good day....

...and then I got stood up for my date with Berkeley, tonight.

Yeah, didn't think that was going to happen since he was the one complaining last Friday night about being stood up for his date that night.  

WOW. 

I'd be more mad or pissed, but honestly, I stopped getting my hopes up about dates and whatnot.  

Besides, I've been trying to be 'less invested' with certain friendships and relationships.

Tonight's events don't really make me want to try to ask Oeste out again.  

Really, do I want to be shot down again? 

A heart can only handle so much.  

This

is

why

I

cannot

stand

dating

!!!

All the B.S. games and drama.  

Why can't it just be easy, like;

I like you.

Do you like me?

Ok, let's do something about it.

Done!

Dear God, 

I hope I don't die 

single...

or alone,

or a virgin. 

Amen.

ok, I take that back.... I am pissed. Who can't pick up a damn phone and call....or hell, at least drop a text. 

Dating, Marriage and Hope.

I really feel like writing in my journal tonight. However, I'm staying at a friend's during this Thanksgiving weekend and I left it at home.  I'm a lil bummed about it, because I like to take my journal with me wherever I'm staying.  I like to write in it, at the end of my day, right before I go to bed.  It's how I unwind, at night.  Since I don't have my journal...this is the next best thing.  I hope I don't get too TMI, but I have stuff on my mind. Stuff that I've been thinking of for the last couple days...several weeks... for a while.
Well, as previously mentioned, I'm in a Singles adult ward (no longer in a young single adult ward).  From talking with friends, I hope I don't "retire" from another ward.  I've been thinking a lot about dating & marriage.
I'm tired of being single. I envy my friends who are married with kids... oh how I wish I could be living that life and feeling like I'm actually accomplishing the purpose of this life.  Sometimes I wonder, "Do my married friends feel sorry/pity on me because I'm not married with children, like they are?" A couple of my married friends say they wish they could trade places with me; single, free to come & go with ease, do whatever I want, etc.  I guess the 'grass seems greener on the other side.'
I'd really like to experience marriage, in this lifetime.  I'd like to experience motherhood and the blessing of pregnancy, feeling life growing within me.  I'm tired of being alone.  I miss being in a relationship, having someone by your side is an amazing feeling.  What do I miss the most about being in a relationship?  Geez, where do I begin? I miss those 'inside' jokes.  I miss someone who just 'gets me', because that means a lot to me... where I don't have to explain why I do/say stuff because they just know me so well.  I miss physical affection, people need to be touched. I learned a lot about that while in massage college.  It's true.  People need hugs and just good physical touch (I don't necessarily mean sex, I'm sure that's good too... I wouldn't know, yet).  I miss holding hands, having a warm arm around me, a safe & secure arm to hold while walking, the closeness of two faces, allowing/desiring someone to be in your 'personal space', a good guy hug, cuddling... I crave [good] physical touch.  I miss the closeness, security and intimacy a relationship provides.  I miss sharing my most tender feelings and deepest thoughts, allowing myself to trust someone enough to be vulnerable.  Most of all, I miss saying, "I love you" and knowing you mean it more than when you say it to all others in your life.
I really miss being in a serious relationship.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm ready to be in one, again.  Part of me says 'no' because I want to offer him my very best self.  I want to give him the best me; physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, intellectually and all other "-ly's".  There are some areas that I know I can and should improve on.  Of course I'd want to give my best self because I'm hoping that there's a man out there that has those same intentions, as well.  I hope I get to be married in the temple, someday.   Honestly, I'm getting a little sick and tired of being the lone single at so many church activities and friends' events.  As much as I LOVE going to the temple, it seems like everyone there has on a wedding ring. :( I just wonder, "When is it going to be my turn?"  I hate thinking that question because it brings tears to my eyes, every time.  I also wonder, "Did I somehow raise my hand in the pre-mortal existence agreeing to live a life without marriage and children???"  I get tired praying about it, because I feel like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall. I know that all things are done in the Lord's time and will, but I have a hard time convincing my poor heart.  I wish I could just know with a surety if I'm to be married in this lifetime or not. I can't help but sigh and try to put it in the furthest part of my mind and heart, put a smile on my face and try to be okay with it all....because quite honestly, I'm not.  I can't convince my heart any more because it hurts trying to hope for something that doesn't seem like it's ever going to happen.  Will I forever be 'aunt Ehu who never got married'?  I think I just might be.  Oh well.

Other than that....

Mr. Red: I've tried not to think about him.  I've tried to keep him at the furthest part of my mind.  That's the only way I wouldn't let the thought of him consume my every thought & worry for the next several months.  This week, that wasn't so easy.  On Sunday, as I was sitting next to Em, we were talking about Lincoln.  Then she brought up how "Oh, "Mr.Red" is WAAAAAAY better than him!! At least "Mr.Red" looks good when he's concentrating! "Lincoln" just looks mean! Besides, where is he??".  UGH!! I didn't need that.  SUUUUUUCK!! Then that's all I could think about during the rest of church.  I thought about his red tie.  I thought about the way he would comment in class and how smart he is. I thought about him.  Great... I was doing so well for the last month and now this?!? 

I went to the beach the other day.  As I was walking over to my favorite spot, I passed by his place.  Thoughts of him flooded my mind again.  I remembered the last time we watched a movie at his place.... The Saturday night conversation when I told him EVERYTHING....or the Tuesday night walk about when he shared more about himself.  GAAAAH!!! I didn't want to think about him at all, and now here he was in my thoughts this week.  I miss my friend.  

Montana: Super nice guy, who's such a man & does manly things! I don't know where we stand right now.  I don't want to crush his heart.  I'm just not feeling it.  He's already called me his 'girlfriend' to his family and they're looking forward to meeting me at his sister's wedding in about a month.  I don't want to go anymore.  I don't want to be fake and pretend or force feelings for someone I have no interest in, anymore.  He says he likes me A LOT and has feelings towards the L word. I once had feelings like that for him, but he lagged and I just grew away from him.  To be honest, I just see him as a repeat of my ex-fiance.   I don't know exactly what I want to do.  I just can't be the one to dump someone again.   Mama McK asked me if I told him of my goal of BYU-H.  I haven't.  I need to.  

Parents:  I had lunch with them today.  We talked about school. I haven't really  talked to them much in the last couple months.  They know the superficial stuff, but I keep them at a distance with the in-depth stuff.  I have my personal reasons.  Anyways, I was telling them about school and BYU-H.  My Dad didn't react the way I was expecting him to.  He was really supportive, as well as my Mom.  I thought they would have been antagonistic/pessimistic about the whole idea. They gave me some things to think about, but they were very open to the idea.  I told my Dad that I figured I'd focus on graduating from college since I'm not getting married anytime soon.....

Marriage: ...and that's when it became a reality.  I might not be getting married within my parents' lifetime.  Or even at all.  I think I've come to terms with it.  Of course I want to, but I'm not holding my breath on the idea anymore.  I need to and get to focus more on making the most out of MY LIFE.  I won't be sad anymore or think of it as something 'lost'.  I won't think of my life as not being full or happy because I don't have what my most of my friends have (ie: marriage, children).  My life will just be full and happy in a different way, and I'm okay with that.  All will be well.  

The F Bomb.

About a month ago, I said:

"There's more fish in the sea, but I think I'm done fishing for now. The good ol' fishing pole is going away for a season."

But then an acquaintance turned into a friend, as I was trying to put away the 'fishing pole'. I started to like him. He's totally cute, exactly my type. It was rather easy & comfortable being open and honest with him, it was nice. It is nice. We went on a date and hung out and that was all really fun....

Til the "F" bomb is dropped on you---"I'd like to just be FRIENDS".

Then it makes you want to drop another type of "F" bomb.

UGH...why didn't I just stick to the original plan from a month ago. Ok, seriously I'm just going to break the stupid proverbial fishing pole over my knee and throw it away. I'm done. I'M SO FREAKIN DONE!!

As a close guy friend told me yesterday, "Dating is a big psychological game".

Yes, yes it @#+?*%& is!!