Mr. Red: I've tried not to think about him. I've tried to keep him at the furthest part of my mind. That's the only way I wouldn't let the thought of him consume my every thought & worry for the next several months. This week, that wasn't so easy. On Sunday, as I was sitting next to Em, we were talking about Lincoln. Then she brought up how "Oh, "Mr.Red" is WAAAAAAY better than him!! At least "Mr.Red" looks good when he's concentrating! "Lincoln" just looks mean! Besides, where is he??". UGH!! I didn't need that. SUUUUUUCK!! Then that's all I could think about during the rest of church. I thought about his red tie. I thought about the way he would comment in class and how smart he is. I thought about him. Great... I was doing so well for the last month and now this?!?
I went to the beach the other day. As I was walking over to my favorite spot, I passed by his place. Thoughts of him flooded my mind again. I remembered the last time we watched a movie at his place.... The Saturday night conversation when I told him EVERYTHING....or the Tuesday night walk about when he shared more about himself. GAAAAH!!! I didn't want to think about him at all, and now here he was in my thoughts this week. I miss my friend.
Montana: Super nice guy, who's such a man & does manly things! I don't know where we stand right now. I don't want to crush his heart. I'm just not feeling it. He's already called me his 'girlfriend' to his family and they're looking forward to meeting me at his sister's wedding in about a month. I don't want to go anymore. I don't want to be fake and pretend or force feelings for someone I have no interest in, anymore. He says he likes me A LOT and has feelings towards the L word. I once had feelings like that for him, but he lagged and I just grew away from him. To be honest, I just see him as a repeat of my ex-fiance. I don't know exactly what I want to do. I just can't be the one to dump someone again. Mama McK asked me if I told him of my goal of BYU-H. I haven't. I need to.
Parents: I had lunch with them today. We talked about school. I haven't really talked to them much in the last couple months. They know the superficial stuff, but I keep them at a distance with the in-depth stuff. I have my personal reasons. Anyways, I was telling them about school and BYU-H. My Dad didn't react the way I was expecting him to. He was really supportive, as well as my Mom. I thought they would have been antagonistic/pessimistic about the whole idea. They gave me some things to think about, but they were very open to the idea. I told my Dad that I figured I'd focus on graduating from college since I'm not getting married anytime soon.....
Marriage: ...and that's when it became a reality. I might not be getting married within my parents' lifetime. Or even at all. I think I've come to terms with it. Of course I want to, but I'm not holding my breath on the idea anymore. I need to and get to focus more on making the most out of MY LIFE. I won't be sad anymore or think of it as something 'lost'. I won't think of my life as not being full or happy because I don't have what my most of my friends have (ie: marriage, children). My life will just be full and happy in a different way, and I'm okay with that. All will be well.
