As I was sitting in the 3rd hour class, the topic of the hour (as well as Sacrament meeting) was "Families & Family Home Evening". Since I was amongst the few, probably the only single adult there, my mind wandered. I looked around at all the married members of the ward, at all the married couples....especially those that were my age and younger.
"Should I have married Jake?"
"Could it have worked out?"
"I'm sure I would have been able to make things work"
"I wasn't really that bored with him, was I??"
"I could be a Mom by now, pregnant with our second child by now"
"Marriage is work, so it would have been hard anyways."
"Why didn't I just marry him??"
These questions were swirling inside of my head during that last hour. I couldn't help it. Everything was focused on family and I sometimes wonder about my own future family.
I wonder what pregnancy will feel like. Will I rub my stomach a lot, as I try to connect as much as I can with the wonder that it growing inside of me? Will I sing and talk to my unborn baby? I'm pretty sure I will. I imagine myself rocking my baby to sleep, in the middle of the night, and taking sweetness of my baby wonder. What will my babies look like? Will they have my nose or my husband's smile? I love to wonder what my babies will look like.
Across the aisle, there was a Dad sitting with his baby boy and I just wanted to hold that baby. I miss holding babies, so much. I miss kissing their hand as it grabs on to my finger. I see baby feet and I just wanna kiss them. Oh and I love their sweet aroma of baby deliciousness!!
I sincerely hope and pray that someday, maybe someday in this lifetime, I get to experience the joy and wonder of motherhood. Oh how I would love that so much. I hope I would never take that for granted or later complain about how tiring it is... I mean, I probably will, but I HOPE that I will always see the glass as being half full and always give thanks for the opportunity to witness the miracle of life.
